@skupi You can’t blame your child having problems on the relationship. If it was an absolute mess you shouldn’t of let your children anywhere near their father or his new girlfriend. Benefit of the doubt that you didn’t know how bad it was or would get but you can’t seriously just blame it all on the ex girlfriend. She was probably upset that you and your ex was soooo close to begin with and you don’t seem to be wanting any advice really but here it is. Give your ex more space and if you see (red flags) from new girlfriends of his then take the initiative and remove the children from that situation until your ex can finally find someone suitable. Stop with the I love yous maybe try “The kids and I care about you” don’t make it too personal imo
@lilypeace12 It actually did get to the point where I told him if things persisted the way they did I was going to have to take it to court. I told him if he wasn’t going to protect our children then I would have to. They didn’t argue for a couple months but the last time they did with the kids there he and the kids walked out the door and literally never went back. She kept all his stuff and won’t give it back. He had to literally start is entire life over.
@skupi You should’ve removed your kids the first time it happened after you telling him if things persisted the way that it was going. That way your kids would’ve been protected and he sounds like he needed to grow up himself without you telling him to protect his own children…
@lilypeace12 It’s an unfortunate fact that I can’t control what happens in his home and I’m not the type to keep my kids from their dad. I got my son a cellphone so he could call me if they argued and the time I told him it had to stop my son did call me and I went and picked the kids up. The whole situation sucked and I didn’t want to have to give him an ultimatum. I’m just glad he finally left and hasn’t gone back to her. She was abusive (not physically) and I’ve been in his shoes before so I had empathy for what he was going through.
@lilypeace12 You must of also missed the part where I said he already dirt biked on the weekends while I was home with the kids, he didn’t need to lie.
@lilypeace12 Bc he wanted to dirt bike even more than he already did and didn’t want to come home to wife and children after work. He wasn’t being a good husband or father and I was unhappy being alone with the kids all the time. I cried a lot and was pretty depressed. Everyone who knows me has testament to how much I have flourished after our divorce and how much happier and more myself I have been.
@skupi My ex and I were like this too until his new girlfriend entered the picture. We went through a lot post divorce and maintained a pretty solid family unit despite it all. I was always his biggest supporter, he has not had an easy life. We have one child together and the 3 of us still did holidays and (some, not all) vacations together, celebrated birthdays, etc. It was purely platonic on both ends. Now that she is in the picture we do nothing. It’s a shame really. She knew that was our dynamic when she came in and said she accepted it but she shut that shit down real fast.
@nobbie If you don’t mind me asking how does your child feel about the lack of shared holidays/vacations? Did they notice a difference? I’m asking out of curiosity - not judgment.
My child is only 3 but my current girlfriend is like your ex’s girlfriend in the sense she wants to shut it down completely. I understand my gf’s feelings and want to respect that she’s uncomfortable, I just was curious the long term affects, if any, on the child in that situation. I’m not sure your exes situation but it’s a hard spot to be in, trying to keep the feeling’s secure of the people in your life involved in the situation (gf, mom, child) and my utmost priority is not letting my child down.
@anonymsoua_chicka12 I know he definitely misses it. He does like my ex’s new partner and enjoys spending time with them but he asks me from time to time when we can do something the 3 of us like we used to. For the record he was so young when we got divorced he barely remembers us being together in the same house. So it’s not like he is holding on to some kind of idealized fantasy of us getting back together. It was just fun family stuff. but it kind of came to a screeching halt. I understand that the dynamics have to change when a new partner enters, but I did not expect it to go this way, where we can’t do anything together at all anymore.
@nobbie You know what he probably also misses? His parents not being divorced in the first place.
But you guys did what was best for you two as adults relating to each other which is no different from what your coparents and his partner are doing. What works best for them as adults relating to each other.
But around here one makes you a courageous solo parent doing whats best for their kid and the other makes you an insecure shrew who dared to destroy your child’s family…
There’s a lack of accountability for the position you put your child in in the first place really
@skupi In some ways, I get it. It’s ideal to be friends as coparents. The only things that make me think this is too much are:
1. The comment about “beautiful” is no longer appropriate.
2. Your statement: “ She’s gone now and he and I get to be close again. ” seems to foreshadow that you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed when he gets into another relationship. He may be using you as a filler.
I say pulling back on some of this but keeping the positivity might be more sustainable.
My two cents worth, as someone who wishes I could have been friends instead of unexpected adversaries with my coparent.
@skupi I can see how these feelings might still live, but boundaries are important when involving new relationships. It almost feels like you both are having your cake and eating it to at the expense of disrespect to your partners. I mean this in the most non judgmental way. I think you can have love for someone and not express it in a way that makes (in this case his ex gf) feel insecure or undervalued. In that case, I think if you love him- the greatest act of love would be allowing him freedom to be fully engaged in his new relationships. This frees him from explaining/defending or hiding things from his relationships to make his partner comfortable. Keeping those feelings to yourself, and vice versa sounds healthier in coparenting than putting weight on the partners for struggling to accept it. Being the other partner in yalls dynamic would feel painful and as if you’re the third wheel. The statement “now we are close again” after they broke up tells me that he probably struggled a lot and she just couldn’t find the security she deserves from her man. Maybe he likes your dynamic too, and in that case- serious relationships may just continue to fall apart or maybe more casual ones are what should be pursued. I personally, would not like being the partner in a dynamic such as this. Some lines drawn are probably healthier unless you guys want to reconcile.
. Some lines drawn are probably healthier unless you guys want to reconcile.