Is it weird that my ex and I say “love you” to each other?

[richherleikson]

@skupi I think this is actually refreshing in the sense that you guys are really cool. Good for you both for being good people. Hey, maybe it’s weird to say I love you but that’s only because so many exes have strained relationships. There’s not enough love in this world, and being able to love and appreciate your coparent despite being apart shows a lot of grace and maturity on both your parts. Stories like yours restore my faith. Keep being excellent

 

[mosultima]

@skupi I was gonna say it’s not weird bc my ex and I do it too. But, these comments snapped me right TF out of that response!

We, as a society, have been so conditioned to put ourselves and current partner (if applicable) so far above everything and everyone else that to have this type of regard for a coparent is confusing, considered wrong, and can apparently put at least one woman in therapy for a long time. It’s disheartening to think we’d have to essentially be between strangers and enemies just because we couldn’t make it as a couple.

I love sharing my son with his dad. It’s what we decided to do regardless of our romantic relationship, and we’ve kept that commitment for our son. After seeing the crap people put each other (and their kids) through on here, I love him and appreciate him even more.

My ex is very sick now. He’ll get better, but it’ll likely get worse before that happens. I don’t mind being a single mom, but I don’t want to be the only parent. Especially not after we finally got to this level of coparenting. It’s awful that most won’t ever experience it.

I’m so happy for you OP. Thank you for sharing. It’s step one to normalizing this.

Edit: corrected double word

 

[skupi]

@mosultima I’m sorry your ex is sick. My ex had a rare cancer/tumor a few years back and needed surgery. Now he gets regular scans to make sure it doesn’t come back. It is terrifying to think about honestly. I’m thankful he keeps me updated on his scans bc it’s definitely always in the back of my mind that he could get sick again at any time.

 

[mosultima]

@skupi He has two types. Doesn’t want kiddo to know. I haven’t been so scared since I lost my dad to it. He tells me about one, but can’t bring himself to say anything about the other. So it’s the one my dad had and he’s trying to protect me from that knowledge, and I just want to smack his bald head!!

Your post and reply give me hope. You are appreciated.

 

[skupi]

@mosultima That’s so tough, I’m sending a lot of healing vibes his way!

 

[nobbie]

@mosultima My ex was sick too, which is why I left to begin with. By the grace of God he made it out of that darkness and he is a wonderful, present father. There were many years I thought I was going to do this alone too. Maybe that adds a different layer to this experience. It was life or death for him there for a long while.

 

[mosultima]

@nobbie I admit I’m not coping well. Too much candy and fast food. Wishing there was a way I could talk to my late grandmother. And I cannot get a grip on these misty eyes and this freakin constant wobbly chin .

How did you do it??

It’s only been a couple months, and if I see another new gray hair (or, dear god, another white eyebrow hair), I’m going to scream and am not sure I’ll be able to stop.

 

[nobbie]

@mosultima The white eyebrow hairs are the worst! I don’t know how I did it. Pure survival mode, I guess. When I look back, though - I am proud of how strong I was. Even though I didn’t feel like I was then. It will be like that for you, too. Moms can do anything.

 

[dio]

@skupi I used to do this too. But my ex was starting to get the wrong idea and I didn't want my new relationship tarnished by me saying it.

As long as it doesn't affect your current relationship then I'd say continue to do what you feel is right.

 

[kingse]

@skupi It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, (even that I think this is tearfully wholesome), because as long as y'all are clear about your boundaries and your significant other understands that there are different kinds of love and doesn't feel like there's anything inappropriate going on, it's really none of anyone else's business.

I think this is absolutely ideal for your children, and I am blown away -- and envious -- that y'all are able to have this kind of relationship.

My marriage with my kids dad was a disaster, as were the divorce and the ensuing years of coparenting. He actually got extremely flustered one time when I said that I still loved him as our kids' dad, and sputtered that he was remarried so it was inappropriate for us to use the L word with each other. (I'm literally laughing while I'm dictating this.)

Edited: inserted a paragraph break

 

[secondstoryempires]

@kingse He sounds like a good and considerate husband to his wife while also trying to spare his ex embarrassment I’m not sure what’s so funny about that?

 

[kingse]

@secondstoryempires I was laughing about what my ex said. I created a paragraph before that section to make that clearer.

 

[kingse]

@secondstoryempires Respectfully, I don't see any conflict here at all, but what I do see is that some people severely limit the definition and usage of the word love, thereby setting up a false sense of threat to their primary relationship.

In other words, an ex spouse feeling platonic love for their former partner poses zero inherent risk to that marriage, and I think in at least some cases it's really just an indication of insecurity in the person who finds it threatening.

 

[secondstoryempires]

@kingse So why the laughing at him over it?

He respected his wife and his marriage and I think that actually stung for you quite a bit.

 

[kingse]

@secondstoryempires Because in my value system my feelings weren't disrespectful at all, and IMO it only ever comes across that way when people are insecure, closed off and too scared to be open to various kinds of nonthreatening, platonic love.

I was laughing about how flustered he got, but I guess it's not funny after all, it's just incredibly sad.

 

[secondstoryempires]

@kingse We have many people in our lives we love platonically. There’re not our exes and we’re not telling them they’re beautiful.

Call me old school, but it’s cool when people give a shit about their marriage and the emotional security of their spouse.

 

[kingse]

@secondstoryempires So it's OK to love people platonically as long as they're not our ex. Got it.

 

[kaym1]

@skupi I tell my ex I love him too. It's unfortunate that he's THE WORST partner because I do love him

 

[mikaedi881]

@skupi One of my best friends and her ex have been like this for most of the last 20 years as they coparented and it only changed when he married a horrible woman. They divorced and he was back to normal. Her now husband is also friends with him. It’s what’s it should be in my opinion.

I however have an immature ex who found an even worse partner so I deal with calls to CPS, the police, etc. what you have is beautiful but make sure you are respectful to your new partner as well

 

[revdrfidelis]

@skupi This was really beautiful to read. I love parents that challenge the norm and I can tell just by reading this you and your ex have a ridiculous amount of emotional intelligence and aren’t ego-driven. Y’all are creating good humans. Sadly, majority of us won’t get this so a lot of people will misunderstand this relationship. Parents who are simply cordial to one another are a step-up from me and my ex. I like reading these kind of stories though so thank you for giving me something to go with my morning coffee.