I miss my son’s twin

@pudnanewell1986 I’m so sorry you have to deal with these strange, confusing emotions. When I was pregnant with my daughter, now 3, she had a twin. They were MoMo twins, meaning they shared a sac as well as the placenta. These twins are rare and very risky, as one baby will often get more nutrients than the other. I would have been hospitalized by 20 weeks. By the end of the first trimester, we learned that we’d lost one. It was a bittersweet feeling: the agony of having lost a twin, with the relief of having a normal, healthy singleton pregnancy. MoMo twins are always the same sex, so we would have had two girls, named Elliotte and Emerson.

We are so thankful to have a healthy, amazing Elliotte now. I still think about Emerson and always will. Giving her a name and acknowledging her as a baby rather than just a loss has helped me a lot. As time has passed I’ve found a lot more peace with what happened...had both twins continued in the pregnancy, I could have lost one at/after birth, lost both of them, or lost my uterus - and then I also wouldn’t have my 1 year old son. I know “everything happens for a reason” is a cliche, but I like to think that Emerson let Elliotte live on and they are always together.

As an aside, we haven’t told Elliotte about her twin yet, but will when she’s older. Somehow she kind of seems to know, though. She’s talked about her “sister” before, but says she’s gone and it’s okay.
 
@pudnanewell1986 What is love without loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think allow yourself to feel what you feel, that is perfectly understandable. Grieve and mourn the life and expectations you thought you would have with twins. It doesn't in any way undermine the joy you feel for your son.
 
@pudnanewell1986 I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks when I was 18. It was gruesome so I’ll spare the details of it but it caused me to be terrified of pregnancy, which sucked because I’d always wanted children and used to fantasize about my future family. For a few years it tortured me, thinking of how old my child would have been, thinking of everything I was “missing”. I became jealous through the years of my friends and family that were having children and frustrated that mine hadn’t had the chance. It got better with time. My partner and I are considering having a child in a year or so. While I’m still terrified, I’m excited again. Sometimes it takes awhile for the pain to settle. A lot of people will tell you the whole “it wasn’t the right time” or “be thankful for your baby that you have”. Which is fine but it doesn’t replace the loss of the other. It’s okay to be sad and feel hurt. It’s okay to mourn.
 
@pudnanewell1986 Many thanks. I’d be lying if I said I’m not consumed with fear and so unsure of myself. I have nightmares at least once a week relating to it. But my partner is incredibly supportive and kind so I lean on him when I’m afraid. I hope you are able to mourn your loss well. Something that helped for me is I wrote my baby letters and then burned them hoping the smoke would carry my words to my unborn child. Sounds silly to write but it did help me express my feelings properly and cope with the loss.
 
@pudnanewell1986 hang in there man! its ok to feel grieve and its ok to be sad. embrace those feelings because that just makes life sooooooo much better.

our first pregnancy was also a two egg ordeal, we eventually lost the smaller egg by the 2nd month. we now have a healthy girl.

our next pregnancy was a twin pregnancy. by 9 months, one was a stillborn and the younger boy survived but stayed in the incubator for 3 weeks.

life goes on.

life always find a way.
 
@pudnanewell1986 Thanks for sharing, we parents understand your feelings.
Have you read any books to help you to cope with grieving? The issue that I see here it’s those thoughts to grow and become so often leading to a depression, negative thoughts coming on your mind several times per day. The process of grieving and healing for you hasn’t been concluded yet.
 
@tantrex To be honest, I feel good day in and day out. I was in a depression last year, a pretty bad one but took steps and am ok now. Yes, there is grief but it’s sporadic by now, so I’m not as concerned. I appreciate your concern though internet friend and thank you for it 👍
 
@pudnanewell1986 Out of seven pregnancies only two a gave birth to. My first daughter 5 (she was pregnancy 3) and my 7th pregnancy my 6 month old daughter she was suppose to be a twin as well. I find myself wondering from time to time how life wouldve been if one of my unviable pregnancies were viable or all were viable or even if the other twin had made it. But the thing is I try my best not to dwell because I have two amazing girls
 
@pudnanewell1986 We lost my sons twin at 10 weeks gestationI’ve always wanted twins. My whole life. Im not 7 months pregnant and was wondering if the feeling of loss and ‘what if’s’ will go away. I want to remember his twin. We did IVF so I have a photo of his twin but we’ll never know gender or anything else. Just for that a fleeting moment he had a friend in there with him.
 
@ciaratw When our first two pgs tested boys were transferred, and the transfer didn't take- that was the worst, knowing.. Imagining, thinking about the boys that we were supposed to have.

I'm seven weeks with our last male embryo now.
 
@kavin Congrats! We have one on ice but didn’t do any testing and I’m 39 so who knows if it’s viable. Fingers crossed. It’s hard waiting until your 12 weeks to breathe and even then to tell people is hard when you’ve been disappointed by Loss and infertility.
 
@pudnanewell1986 Out of curiosity, did you and your wife choose a name for the baby you lost? I have a family friend that had a second trimester miscarriage and named her son she lost. Their family talks about him and mourns him as if he had been able to meet all of them. It may help.
 
@doantrang No, we didn’t. Mainly because we only found out about the twin due to the pain and ER visit. Had it been further along, we likely would have.

That being said, we did (late stages of pregnancy or first month our son was born- can’t remember. That time was chaotic) we came up with a nickname for the twin, it’s a play off of the word “twin”. It allows for better conversation/reference to said baby.
 
@pudnanewell1986 Hugs ❣️ you will see him again one day a s thanks to your miracle you can see what he could have been. It won't ever stop hurting. My friend birthed 2 twins. One died and the other is bed bound with cerebral palsy and has never said a word. Their entire life is a nightmare. She's 22 now. Remember your blessings and remember you will see your baby again one day.
 
@pudnanewell1986 I'm in a similar situation.

I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant with what began as a twin pregnancy. I don't want to go into detail about what happened, but we lost our daughter at 13 weeks. We more than likely would have lost both had the twin pregnancy continued.

Our son though is very healthy, thriving, and kicking the snot out of me! We have an older son who is so excited to be a big brother and that helps a lot. I'm so excited for this boy, but I grieved the daughter that could have been. I can't wait to meet this little boy, and I'm so sad that I won't get to meet our little girl, and somehow I'm both happy and sad at the same time.

I'm glad your little dude is doing so well! Grief sucks and I don't think the pain ever goes away, but you learn how to carry it with you and it becomes less intense. I imagine the milestones will always be bittersweet, and I think that's okay, as long as I can balance being happy for him with moments of sadness for her.

Sending you lots of internet hugs. ❤️
 
@pudnanewell1986 I lost one of my twins at 8 weeks. I feel like I shouldn’t be sad because I have a healthy 5 yr old boy now but sometimes I look at him I think there should be another. My son says he wants a sibling so that stings a bit. Good luck. I am happy for your healthy child but I get it.
 
@pudnanewell1986 I’ve had 2 miscarriages and I often wonder what my lost babies would be like. They would be 11 and 4 months. But I wouldn’t be pregnant right now with our newest addition nor would I have met my partner and had our daughter who is 2.
 
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