I miss my son’s twin

@froopaloo Thank you for sharing. I feel the same, even though most don’t understand how that double-edged sword can cut deep some days. Like, yes, I’m ecstatic about my boy, but it doesn’t mean I’m not sad about what could have been.
 
@pudnanewell1986 Grief is a real and valid feeling that you can't just switch off, and it's okay to feel joy and to need to be the parent your son needs too. It's no easy act to juggle both of them together and there's no instruction manual for it either. Find the joy your son brings you, but it's okay for the memory of his twin to be remembered, loved and missed too. Give yourself permission to set time aside for both.

Don't feel guilty for being human.
 
@pudnanewell1986 I had 2 miscarriages and I benefited a lot from counseling from a person who specialized in fertility issues and pregnancy loss.

You can't really confide something like this in people unless they have been through something similar, so try to find a support group. My friend goes to PAIL events
 
@pudnanewell1986 I had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks, then conceived my son 4 months later, and the entire pregnancy I had the same thing. I'd be excited for each scan, but then think about where I would be at with the baby I lost. Even now with my son about to turn 2 I think about how that baby would be, would it have been a girl, would she be talking more than my son is etc. I think it's normal after losing a pregnancy to wonder all those what ifs, and mourn that loss while still feeling grateful for the child you have.
 
@mynanu I think what kills me is that sometimes when he plays, like the mirror where visibly there are two of him, but also when he’s playing alone, he sometimes acts like he’s not playing alone. My wife notices the same thing.

I’ll have to remember to ask him when he’s older if he feels a part of him is missing. Maybe our minds are just tricking us.
 
@pudnanewell1986 I’m so sorry for your loss.
I think perhaps it would be beneficial to seek some professional counseling for you and your wife?

Also, I don’t know if this can be of any reconciliation... My son sometimes also play by the mirror, now (he’s three) and when he was younger. We’re pretty sure he’s been a single child, so no twin there.
He’s also really good at playing by himself and that’s usually something other parents envy - and the kindergarten claims it’s a healthy thing although his extrovert mother sometimes wonder :)

It’s quite possible your son has some sort of soul mate / invisible friend / guardian angel - but it may not be a negative thing, like something he is missing. It could be a thing that gives him joy? He’ll never be alone.
 
@jalop Yeah- I have to concur. My son talked and played by and to himself for a long time as as toddler - he was all entertained he never begged for our attention ever, it was wonderful.
 
@mynanu Yes, but then you wouldn't have your son. I lost a baby before each of my children. Right before. So if I had had those children, I never would have the ones I do have. And I love those teenagers with everything I have.I believe my three losses were girls... And God said... Nope! Wait, gimme that....here's a boy for you. He knew what I needed. 😆
 
@mynanu I had an ectopic pregnancy, I was 10 weeks when I found out.. then one month later fell pregnant with my third (second living).
I still feel a tremendous loss with baby #2 and so many people tell me that im lucky to have my third.. I know I am, and I wouldn’t change a thing but it doesn’t make the loss any easier!!! I love my boys so much but the loss and wondering what could have been always stays with you! I love all my babies
 
@pudnanewell1986 When my mom was pregnant with me she was originally pregnant with twins, she had unfortunately lost 2 babies previous to this pregnancy so they were overjoyed when they found out they were having twins. Unfortunately, they lost my twin about halfway through the pregnancy. My parents are so thankful for me every day and I am spoiled to no end, but I wish they would’ve talked to me about the other baby because I always felt the same way. I wonder what it would be like to have another sibling (especially a twin) and what kind of friendship I’m missing out on. So please as a child of a lost twin, don’t be afraid to talk to your son about it when he gets older. When I found out i was very confused with many questions but I was too afraid to upset my mother to ask any of them, so let it be an open topic.
 
@eliotfield We haven’t approached the topic yet due to age but there are professional photos from a newborn photo shoot and a few others that pay homage to the twin that isn’t with us. We’ve also given a name (play off the word “twin”) as it’s name since we didn’t get to find out if it was a boy or girl. Found it helped heal more than other alternatives.
 
@pudnanewell1986 Kind of totally different but my mother committed suicide seven months into our pregnancy, it was out the blue, nobody saw it coming and she was honestly my best friend and the best mother I could ask for.

I was still grieving when our daughter was born and I honestly don't know if I would of ever come out of the hole I was in if it weren't for her. We even named our daughter after her in my mother's honor. I often think about how much they would of loved eachother. My mother was so enthusiastic and energetic, like a kid herself sometimes. I just know the two of them would of clicked. Especially now, she's two, and is just such a sweetheart, so positive, so considerate for a two year old.

It really is a mixed bag of joy and sorrow, I feel you.
 
@pudnanewell1986 I've never heard that name before, but that's how I was born. For my mom, she didn't know she had conceived twins. She had an ectopic pregnancy and as far as she knew, when she had that removed she was no longer pregnant. That turned out not to be the case, because here I am!

I am sorry you had to go through that. But I hope you know you are allowed to feel all those things. It really sucks to lose a baby. It's really hard to talk about, possibly more so in your situation because I imagine people expect you to "forget about it" because you have a living child. But you don't. And you shouldn't have to feel like you should.

Good luck with whatever you do in future.
 
@pudnanewell1986 My son turns one month today. We lost his twin really early on in the pregnancy, so by the time we had our first ultrasound he was gone. They said he had stopped developing somewhere along 7 weeks, and even though I hadn't known of his existence, when the doctor told us that I was broken. It was just raw pain, and nothing anyone said could calm me.

I felt like others didn't understand. I still do. It didn't matter that there was another little boy, I still mourned the son I lost. I was happy for my child that survived, and tormented by the one who did not, and still to this day I catch myself thinking those what ifs. As hard as struggling with one newborn is, I would have gladly sacrificed more sleep, to have them both with me.

I know he'll always be in the back of my mind as I watch my little one grow, but I try to console myself with the thought that his brother is watching over him like a guardian angel. Sometime it helps, sometimes it doesn't.
 
@rebelbowtie 100% believe we go on and those two will "know" each other. When my daughter was 3 we had an early miscarriage. If it was a boy we would have named him lucas. When we told her that the baby died and wouldn't be born, she asked HIS name. We said Lucas and she simply said, "lucas! I know him." She didn't know anyone by that name on this Earth.
 
@pudnanewell1986 I miss my baby that was ectopic every day. I can't help but imagine the kind of person they'd be and how my 4 year old would be a great big brother.

Coming up to a year since I had my fallopian tube removed....
 
@pudnanewell1986 I had a very early miscarriage but was lucky to get pregnant two weeks later. My sons bday is so close to our first pregnancies due date that i do think about that from time to time, it was also my father in laws bday aswell which is crazy but we now have a beautiful crazy toddler. I think these feelings are normal to miss what might have been but its definitely normal. I always try to think everything happens for a reason and that helps. Even if we don't know the reason.
 
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