@pudnanewell1986 I am sorry for your loss. My son(Twin b) will be 12 in October, and he had a twin(twin a) who passed away shortly after birth. We knew at the first ultrasound that it was going to happen, as he had a condition. It was a complicated, stressful pregnancy, and we did all we could to save him. But ultimately we knew he was not going to make it. Our focus was to save twin b. They were not in the same sac, but they shared a placenta,so it was imperative that both babies make it to a point where they were viable, because if I lost one, I would lose both. They were born premature but viable and twin b was taken to Nicu immediately. I steeled myself throughout my pregnancy, but I bonded with twin a more than I wanted to. I thought i was prepared for his death, but nothing prepared me for the feelings I felt as I held him while he took his last breaths. His tiny fingers holding mine. His tiny pale lips moving almost imperceptibly, his breaths coming further and further apart until I couldn't tell if I was imagining them. I still sometimes feel a flutter or a pain in my side where he was and I still grieve sometimes, when I imagine what could have been. My son is almost 12,and we told him at 5 years old. I thought he would be old enough to understand, but young enough to process quickly. I didn't want him to find out from some family member when he was older. He would randomly get sad over the years, and would ask me uncomfortable questions, and he would have his own what-ifs. He does feel like a part of him is missing. We had another baby almost 4 years later, but her being a girl, and the age gap, means they don't have much in common. But they do love each other. He is at a point now where he is able to talk about his twin without getting sad. This is all to say that ultimately, I consider us lucky to have had him at all. That pregnancy with all its complications, could have gone either way, and we would not have even had one baby. Two would have been a wonderful bonus, but we were never expecting to have 2 babies and we were so so lucky to have gotten away with one. So many don't get that even.
I miss my son’s twin
- Thread starter pudnanewell1986
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pudnanewell1986
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Yeah, my wife picks up on my emotional cues and I do try to tell her about my feelings. That part is a work in progress, but we have talked at length about this particular subject.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing.
@pudnanewell1986 I'm sure she is really relieved that she isn't the only one suffering from your loss. Honestly, the worst thing I've heard from so many of my friends is how after a miscarriage or loss- they were devistated that thier own husbands often seemed to have no sadness for what could have been.
@pudnanewell1986 Currently having a bad day, postpartum emotions and a one week old......thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine what that pain is like to go through. However thank you for the reminder to hold my little boy closer and reminder that life is precious and so are they at this age. Hugs sent from an internet stranger 
ugadawgfan1968
New member
@pudnanewell1986 I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and are still going through it. I had the same thing happen to me, both as a child and mother. I found out around age 14 when I was watching a home video of my mom saying “It’s twins!!!!” that I had a twin that disappeared. My mom didn’t think it was a big deal, but it made me really sad. I thought having a twin would have been SO cool. My mom couldn’t carry any of her kids to term...I was born at 29 weeks. I thought that had something to do with it.
Before my husband and I conceived our baby, a psychic lady actually told us “I get the feeling you’ll have twins in 2020.” Not super into that sort of thing, but it has always interested my husband. I was so excited when I thought of having twins. And she was actually right about a lot of other stuff she guessed, weirdly enough. It kind of got my hopes up a bit.
At our first ultrasound the doctor said there had been another baby there, but it had already disappeared. I immediately felt really sad and like it was my fault. Maybe I hadn’t eaten enough or slept well enough. My husband was actually relieved and said he had never wanted twins.
I’m still happy for our little guy on the way. He’s due in the next few weeks now and I just so hope it all works out. Every time my pregnancy app mentions something about twins, it still feels painful, and I know I will never forget about that twin.
Before my husband and I conceived our baby, a psychic lady actually told us “I get the feeling you’ll have twins in 2020.” Not super into that sort of thing, but it has always interested my husband. I was so excited when I thought of having twins. And she was actually right about a lot of other stuff she guessed, weirdly enough. It kind of got my hopes up a bit.
At our first ultrasound the doctor said there had been another baby there, but it had already disappeared. I immediately felt really sad and like it was my fault. Maybe I hadn’t eaten enough or slept well enough. My husband was actually relieved and said he had never wanted twins.
I’m still happy for our little guy on the way. He’s due in the next few weeks now and I just so hope it all works out. Every time my pregnancy app mentions something about twins, it still feels painful, and I know I will never forget about that twin.
docskeptic
New member
@pudnanewell1986 I found out that my first baby was "incompatible with life" at 5 months pregnant. That was 15 years ago and I think about her all the time, despite subsequently having 3 healthy kids. Its ok to grieve this loss you've experienced - there's no time limit.
@pudnanewell1986 We had a vanishing twin and I feel very similar to you. We had an early ultrasound that showed two sacs, but they weren’t sure both were viable. One turned into my now happy and amazing almost 4 month old and the other disappeared gradually as the weeks and ultrasounds went on. The newborn stage was hard enough with one, but I still can’t help but think about what life would be like if we had two babies right now. She’s starting to become so playful and interactive, would she have loved a twin to play with? As it is we may be one and done.
All that to say your feelings are perfectly valid. I think it’s good to talk about it, although sometimes I wonder why I can’t just be happy with what I have. And I am, she’s the most amazing kid ever, but it’s hard not to think about what could’ve been.
All that to say your feelings are perfectly valid. I think it’s good to talk about it, although sometimes I wonder why I can’t just be happy with what I have. And I am, she’s the most amazing kid ever, but it’s hard not to think about what could’ve been.
landlordrescue
New member
@pudnanewell1986 Cherish your little boy.
The spirit of your other child is always around him too.
The spirit of your other child is always around him too.
@pudnanewell1986 Also 34M. I have two littles. This brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry for your hardship. Thank you for the critical reminder that all parents need once in a while.
@pudnanewell1986 Well, don't know if this helps, but I believe that he's still somewhere out there looking at you and his brother.
Did you try to say goodbye to him with a funeral? Even a symbolic one.
Few days ago u heard in a radio interview with an African with more than 10 siblings most of which had died very early and he said that we ask die and there is nothing we can do but accept it. Some die old and some young so we need to make the best out of it.
Did you try to say goodbye to him with a funeral? Even a symbolic one.
Few days ago u heard in a radio interview with an African with more than 10 siblings most of which had died very early and he said that we ask die and there is nothing we can do but accept it. Some die old and some young so we need to make the best out of it.
@pudnanewell1986 My mom had two ectopic pregnancies (they bookended me and my siblings). I've had recurring dreams about my siblings that I never got to meet. I can only imagine how hard it was for her, and my heart goes out to you.
@pudnanewell1986 I’ve had a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy, since we got married, my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant, and the 2 times we did it didn’t end well.. 2 years after our 2nd loss I finally had my rainbow baby.. he’s currently 15 months and every time he does something I can’t help but wonder if my other kids would have done it too, and now that we’re still on lock down here I watch my baby play and I can’t help but miss my other 2. I think about how we’d be a family of 5 and not just of 3. It’s hard, specially since talking about it seems to still be taboo. Your feelings are valid, your twins were loved since the minute you found out about them so it’s okay to miss your sons twin. I’m glad you were able to mention it somewhere. Have you talked to your wife about it? I never knew how bad it affected my husband bc he never told me or expressed it to me and I was so resentful for a while bc I thought he didn’t care. He said he didn’t want to tell me bc I was already so sad. But all I needed was for him to tell me he cared. I’d love to say it gets easier but idk if it does... you seem to get used to the pain better but in my experience you always remember your unborn children.
@pudnanewell1986 I completely get where you’re coming from. My twins were still born, we then fell pregnant 2 months later with our daughter. Sometimes I feel sad when I think there should have been twins here driving us crazy too but then I feel guilty for feeling sad because if we hadn’t lost our babies we wouldn’t have our daughter and I couldn’t imagine life without her. I still get that twinge of sadness whenever I see twins 5 years down the line, I always think ‘that should have been me’ then I look at my daughter and think ‘but if we had them we wouldn’t have you’
It’s a double edged sword sometimes but I choose now to think in a positive way. It’s still very hard and I don’t think the lump in my throat will ever go away when I see baby twins.
It’s a double edged sword sometimes but I choose now to think in a positive way. It’s still very hard and I don’t think the lump in my throat will ever go away when I see baby twins.
@pudnanewell1986 I’m so sorry for your loss. There is a UK charity called Tommy’s and they have a whole section on their site about grieving the loss of your baby. (And babies that should have been are included.) Some of the resources and stories from other people who have been through the same thing as you might be helpful.
I’m sorry you went through this. Huge internet hugs to you.
I’m sorry you went through this. Huge internet hugs to you.
pudnanewell1986
New member
jesusandliberty
New member
@pudnanewell1986 You’re not alone, a girl I dated many years ago had two miscarriages with me. She and I would never have worked in the long haul but I look down at my son and wonder what could have been. That was almost ten years ago and it still hurts. You just get better about dealing with it. Stay strong and know you have lots of support.
@pudnanewell1986 I’m sorry for your loss. It’s hard making plans for two and ended up with only one child. We lost one of our twins after birth and I still call the room we set up for them “The Girls Room”. I still cry thinking about my daughter not having her sister to play with.
bradford007
New member
@pudnanewell1986 Just a few weekends ago I was visiting with family. I found out for the 1st time ever that my mother was almost a twin. TW The doctor she saw force aborted my grandmother and made her lose her son, but my mom was born 5 months later. We were shocked to hear this.
Later my sister and I asked my grandmother about it, and the hurt in her story was still evident, 60 years later. She went on to have 5 more children, but yeah..
I'm sorry for your loss
Later my sister and I asked my grandmother about it, and the hurt in her story was still evident, 60 years later. She went on to have 5 more children, but yeah..
I'm sorry for your loss
@pudnanewell1986 I was 15 weeks along when I miscarried my daughter in dec 2014. I never dealt with it and pushed it deep down inside. I got pregnant again quickly and had my now 4 year old daughter in dec 2015, 1 day before the date my first daughter was born. It was bittersweet to me and as happy as I was, i felt an incredible sense of guilt that i never truly acknowledged my first daughters existence. I still think about her now, and why she isnt here with us. I acted quickly to 'replace' her not realising she cannot be replaced. I love my little girl more than life itself, but I miss the daughter I never got to know.
@pudnanewell1986 I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose one twin. I lost 2 back in December, and although I’m excited to be pregnant again, I feel sad “leaving them behind” in a sense. However, I find that even thinking of them when I feel sad is a way in and of itself to honor their presence by acknowledging them, if that makes sense. I also made a small keep sake box with things like my hospital wrist band, ultrasound photos and some pictures of me while I was pregnant. I’m looking forward to showing our kids these one day when they’re old enough, so they can know about the siblings they had for just a short time.