godsvoicetoday
New member
@pudnanewell1986 Youre human, and a loving one at that. Maybe there are some ways you can honor the little one youve lost. Teach your son about them.
I miss my son’s twin
- Thread starter pudnanewell1986
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katrina2017
New member
@pudnanewell1986 This is such a helpful tip. My brother passed away unexpectedly a couple months before my son was born, it’s been such a complicated time. The joy doesn’t “fix” the grief and the grief doesn’t take away from the joy of being with my son.
livegodloud
New member
@pudnanewell1986 My friend lost his oldest son in a tragic car accident at the age of five. Several months later, I was walking to my priest's house for a Thanksgiving meal. I passed by my friend's house on the way (we were all neighbors) and spotted him frying a turkey while watching his younger kids playing in the yard. I chatted him up on the way and it seemed so...normal. Not like he had been shouldering his wife and comforting her at the funeral home a few months before. Grief and joy do coexist. I'm sure that the grief of losing their son was also accompanied by the joy of watching their other kids play. It's only natural. Another friend lost their child as a young adult. He was in his late 20s, and it was also a car accident. I'm pretty sure it feels the same around Christmas (his favorite Holiday) and Easter (since he died the day before). They are a family of strong faith, but this shook them to their core. Be kind to yourself and don't put any timeline or restrictions to your own grief. Everyone's grief and mental state are different.
katrina2017
New member
@pudnanewell1986 It’s completely understandable. Don’t feel bad for what you are feeling.
@pudnanewell1986 Thank you for sharing!
@pudnanewell1986 We lost a pregnancy in 2019, a baby boy. It was our first, and it was a terrifying ride until the moment it ended in an office of people who actually and fortunately seemed to care. (Not all do such a good job.) We planted a tree in his honor, though he never had a name outside of our pet name for him. No one talks about loss in pregnancy, no one tells you how common it is and how thoroughly it will decimate you. We now have a beautiful baby girl named after my mother who was never able to meet her, she decimates me in new ways every day, especially given the tiresome and terrifying existence pandemic with a newborn is, but she is the most amazing thing in the world to me. Thank you for sharing.
aethelfrith
New member
@pudnanewell1986 I get it. I had an AFE (amniotic fluid embolism) with my second pregnancy and our son didn't make it. You'll always miss him and wonder "what if", but it's unlikely to take away the joy your other child gives you. Keep them both in your heart.
@pudnanewell1986 We lost our son at 34 weeks. We have two other beautiful, healthy children who aren't old enough yet to be fully aware of the sibling who came before them.
Happy and sad are not opposites. they coexist all the time - as nostaligia, bittersweet, missing people, and memories. We've had so many moments that were all at once the happiest and the saddest we've ever felt. Our hearts are simultaneously bursting with joy as our living children grow, and withering with pain for the one who never can.
Grieve however you must. There is no right way to feel about your loss.
r/babyloss might be helpful to you
Happy and sad are not opposites. they coexist all the time - as nostaligia, bittersweet, missing people, and memories. We've had so many moments that were all at once the happiest and the saddest we've ever felt. Our hearts are simultaneously bursting with joy as our living children grow, and withering with pain for the one who never can.
Grieve however you must. There is no right way to feel about your loss.
r/babyloss might be helpful to you
@pudnanewell1986 My wife miscarried our first. She has a daughter from a previous relationship, but we wanted one of our own. My wife came to me on a Friday on my lunch break to tell me she was pregnant. Positive home test, positive test from planned parenthood, here’s an early birthday present. I was over the moon.
13 hours later, I was bringing her to the ER and they told us the pain plus the results of the hormone test means she has miscarried. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions. I hadn’t even fully processed that I was gonna be a father and now I’m processing the loss of a child.
The first time we were intimate after the miscarriage, she got pregnant immediately. The entire pregnancy was joy and worry and happiness and pain all at the same time. Every time I would feel my daughter move, I would simultaneously think about how I should’ve been feeling this months ago. There should be a baby here already.
My daughter will be a year old in a couple of weeks and I love her to pieces, but there’s always that occasional moment of what could’ve been.
Don’t dwell on that though. Enjoy your son and all his growth and achievements. Joy and pain can coexist, it is normal for them to do so in situations like these.
13 hours later, I was bringing her to the ER and they told us the pain plus the results of the hormone test means she has miscarried. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions. I hadn’t even fully processed that I was gonna be a father and now I’m processing the loss of a child.
The first time we were intimate after the miscarriage, she got pregnant immediately. The entire pregnancy was joy and worry and happiness and pain all at the same time. Every time I would feel my daughter move, I would simultaneously think about how I should’ve been feeling this months ago. There should be a baby here already.
My daughter will be a year old in a couple of weeks and I love her to pieces, but there’s always that occasional moment of what could’ve been.
Don’t dwell on that though. Enjoy your son and all his growth and achievements. Joy and pain can coexist, it is normal for them to do so in situations like these.
@pudnanewell1986 Not a parent yet but my mom was suppose to gave birth to a baby boy on 2008. They were doing monthly checkup before giving birth. But they found the baby was already dead. She still gave birth to it but she never get to see it only my grandmother. I still think about and imagining life would be if the baby is alive. I wouldve been pump to be a big sister too.
Hugs to you and your family
Hugs to you and your family
@pudnanewell1986 My mother, she lost my brother after he was born.
And he was my Irish twin. I was born a year after his death. My mother calls me her rainbow baby- consider your son a rainbow baby.
A rainbow baby is having a successful pregnancy and birth after the loss of a child.
I don't know loss like that, but I do know that if he was alive- he would be my best friend.
And he was my Irish twin. I was born a year after his death. My mother calls me her rainbow baby- consider your son a rainbow baby.
A rainbow baby is having a successful pregnancy and birth after the loss of a child.
I don't know loss like that, but I do know that if he was alive- he would be my best friend.
@pudnanewell1986 I had a miscarriage in February 2018 and got pregnant again in April of the same year. October was my due date and I had my baby shower but felt bittersweet. I should've been taking care of a new born. My son's 1.5 yrs now and I still think of my other baby. The milestones my son's surpassing and how my other baby never got the chance.
I'll never forget that baby but I get to put all that love into my son now.
I'll never forget that baby but I get to put all that love into my son now.
@pudnanewell1986 It's not the same thing, but I lost a baby two years ago at about 7 weeks pregnancy. Then I got pregnant again and he's now six months old. I also lost my teenaged niece suddenly when she was 17. I still mourn for both. When my son hits milestones I'm so happy, but I know his cousin would have loved him. I also wonder what the other baby's gender would have been. What would he or she be doing now at almost two years old? It's okay to grieve and feel how you feel. That must have been so tough for you and your wife. I hope you can heal with time.
noagnostics
New member
@pudnanewell1986 I’m so sorry for your loss. I had two miscarriages and that feeling of what if never really goes away. I had a book recommended to me that was very helpful. It is by Dr Alan Wolfelt. He has spent his career studying grief. It’s called Healing your Grieving Heart After Miscarriage. It isn’t a high level book about grief. It’s small chapters, practical steps you can take to help you through the pain. It helped me. Maybe give it a look.
mmodaaaily
New member
@pudnanewell1986 Mourning your lost child is completely healthy.
nguruprasannakumar
New member
@pudnanewell1986 I can relate to you deeply. I had an ectopic pregnancy, so only 1 stuck in the tube, and after having it removed I fell into deep depression. I do already have a son that I love dearly but you can't help but feel the sense of loss of the 2nd baby you almost had. Even though we never met our loss babies, it's still a loss and we as parents deserve to grieve over the loss of our babies no matter how young/undeveloped they were.
@pudnanewell1986 I don’t know if you’re religious or not. I believe we will all meet our lost loved ones in heaven. It brings me great peace knowing that. I am incredibly sorry for your loss and I am sending love and prayers to you and your family. Hang in there. Also I really think what the previous people said about grief and joy coexisting.
@pudnanewell1986 Firstly I want to say sorry for your loss, as hard as it is and although you will never forget it does get easier. Our daughter is 9 now and we lost her twin early on, they said they knew it was twins from the dates not adding up and also from a blood test I didn’t ask too much tbh. Even now I have some days where I wonder what her twin would have been like because E is amazing such a kind and thoughtful child with an old head on her shoulders. However other times I wonder how I would have coped with two of her especially as she’s also starting with the attitude lol. I have a good cry on her birthday and she also knows she had a twin and mentions it every now and then as we never hid that from her. Sending you, your wife and your amazing little boy lots of virtual hugs and love x
pressforth
New member
@pudnanewell1986 Can’t imagine the feeling. The only positive here is that you indeed do have a healthy baby boy that’s thriving, even though his twin did not make it.
@pudnanewell1986 That’s rough. That did not happen to us, but I have similar feelings. I miscarried a baby and didn’t realize that you can get pregnant again directly after miscarriage. despite not being very active in the weeks after we lost the baby, my period did not come again. I think we only had sex once to “feel normal” but it brought on grief so we didn’t again. Nevertheless, I was pregnant. I wouldn’t have my son if that first pregnancy had been viable.
Sometimes I felt guilty. Like I had forgotten baby 1. Of course I didn’t. It was always on my mind. Sometimes I felt terrible grief even as the 2nd baby grew and thrived inside of me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love the subsequent baby. Finding out I was pregnant again hurt as much as it healed. Feelings are not mutually exclusive. it feels wrong to feel joy when something sad has happened but it’s not. Life is conflict. I’ll always be sad that our first pregnancy failed. It felt like the death of the future and everything I had ever wanted. It wasn’t. It was a tragic thing that happened beyond our control. I accept the lingering feelings as proof that that tiny little almost human mattered and was precious to us.
I know the only thing that helped me at the time was talking through it with my husband. Even though we read these stories all the time and know it happens to others, at the time, it feels so intimate that only your partner can understand what you’re feeling. Losing a wanted baby just really fucking sucks all the way around. But just like all other sucky, lame, unfair things, life can improve despite (and sometimes even because) those sucky unfair lame things happened.
I don’t really know what I’m trying to say. Feel your feelings, support your loves, move forward with respect for the past. Those are the things that stick out to me as important in accepting what I didn’t want to. Take care. Sorry I rambled. Like most people who are responding, reading this struck a nerve and I wanted to say... something. Anything. It’s an honor to a life that briefly lived, yours and mine, proof of love.
Sometimes I felt guilty. Like I had forgotten baby 1. Of course I didn’t. It was always on my mind. Sometimes I felt terrible grief even as the 2nd baby grew and thrived inside of me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love the subsequent baby. Finding out I was pregnant again hurt as much as it healed. Feelings are not mutually exclusive. it feels wrong to feel joy when something sad has happened but it’s not. Life is conflict. I’ll always be sad that our first pregnancy failed. It felt like the death of the future and everything I had ever wanted. It wasn’t. It was a tragic thing that happened beyond our control. I accept the lingering feelings as proof that that tiny little almost human mattered and was precious to us.
I know the only thing that helped me at the time was talking through it with my husband. Even though we read these stories all the time and know it happens to others, at the time, it feels so intimate that only your partner can understand what you’re feeling. Losing a wanted baby just really fucking sucks all the way around. But just like all other sucky, lame, unfair things, life can improve despite (and sometimes even because) those sucky unfair lame things happened.
I don’t really know what I’m trying to say. Feel your feelings, support your loves, move forward with respect for the past. Those are the things that stick out to me as important in accepting what I didn’t want to. Take care. Sorry I rambled. Like most people who are responding, reading this struck a nerve and I wanted to say... something. Anything. It’s an honor to a life that briefly lived, yours and mine, proof of love.