I have full custody of my kids (4, 6 & 8) indefinitely and I don’t know how to tell them why

[gomez2219]

@laxkid3 I understand. My mom has been one my whole life. Just offering other perspectives here as someone with firsthand experience.

 

[gomez2219]

@aldericus Also, the thing about accusations is, they're not always right. He's not wrong for accusing a known alcoholic who is refusing to be transparent. That's entirely understandable.

 

[dishfarmer]

@spiritualfriend I’ve never heard of a hair test for alcohol, TIL

 

[debbiesdispensational]

@hisman Mommy needs time to get things together for you and herself right now. So while she is doing that we will have fun and learn together and you can show mommy what you learned when she is able to see you.

 

[masua]

@hisman Op: I'm living the same thing .Kids mom got a felony dwi . Had supervised visitation, stopped going to treatment and skipped on court. She now has multiple warrants so she won't meet up with us(regularly). Still haven't figured out how to explain it(my daughter is 4).

 

[hisman]

@masua Yeah… it’s tough man. I’m sorry to hear that. I know how stressful and scary it can all be.

 

[laxkid3]

@hisman “After two years without abusing it, I had to test her.” - I’m reading this as “I had to test her because she was behaving in a way that made me suspect she was not sober”. Hair follicle test shows that she hadn’t fallen off the wagon earlier, it doesn’t show if she just now fell off.

She had a DUI with the kids in the car. She needs to do the thing. If she’s doing 12 step based recovery it’s also a red flag if she’s refusing to to blow as per the agreement. Get ready for her to blame you for “losing” her sobriety.

I don’t know what to tell the kids. I wonder if Al anon has some good guidance for handling the ease situations with young ones?

 

[dmarkwick]

@hisman Why did she refuse breathalyzer? If she knew hair follicle test would show clean, why not give a blow? Maybe because hair test won’t show that she had a few today, eh?

 

[hanzohamamura]

@dmarkwick Follicle tests show long term usage and take a week or two to show this. They do not show one time drunkenness.

 

[dmarkwick]

@hanzohamamura Which was the whole point of taking a breathalyzer when he asked. Because it would give results based on current BAC. Not from a week or two ago.

 

[neannajo5]

@hisman Going through the same thing over here. Last night my five year old woke up at three in the morning and came in my room crying saying that he had a bad dream that a man said he could never see his mommy again. Messed up thing is I don't know if he ever will. I talked to a professional and they recommended not lying. So far I've just been telling him that his mom loves him and is an angel and asks about him all the time. The professional told me to be more honest But I just don't know how. He's only five years old. I don't want to fill his head with all that fucked up adult shit.

 

[healthyheart]

@neannajo5 "Your mom loves you and wants to see you, but sometimes grownups have problems that make them not able to see their kids because it isn't safe to be around them to talk to them."

 

[neannajo5]

@healthyheart Solid

 

[dartmanii]

@hisman Lurking step mom that has been through this scenario with my husband and step son, I cannot stress enough how helpful getting kids into a therapist that has play or art therapy approach was. My SS was 5 when it first became apparent his mom couldn’t parent him and he had a lot of big feelings he didn’t know how to express. This was also incredibly helpful with court down the line. The therapist was helpful to us to talk about it in a factual way that was accessible to his age and didn’t paint his mom out to be some sort of monster for struggling.

 

[spiritlife66]

@hisman You may find beneficial insights if you also post this in r/stopdrinking or a similar sub.

Most of us here probably lack the intimate experience with alcoholism to understand the dynamics of your challenging situation.

Obviously, kids generally benefit from seeing their parents in the best light possible, and knowing that their parents love and support them. It sounds like you get this and you're doing your best to navigate the tricky, complex waters of addiction. Guidance from people who understand addiction may help you to navigate those waters.

Learning as much as you can about addiction from a posture of empathy will help you to help your kids going forward. This will be a challenge they'll deal with in various forms for the rest of their lives.

 

[mrt22]

@hisman Place the decision for change of custody on the courts. It allows them to be angry at someone without it being their Mom. Tell them the court decided to have you watch them.

 

[iammybeloveds]

@mrt22 “Watch them” subtly devalues the importance of “dad” in my view. I know I’m just splitting hairs over silly words, but dad is worth more than that. Just my $0.02.

 

[mrt22]

@iammybeloveds Fair, criticism. I was typing up the message while filling my gas tank. It seemed like the best way to answer truthfully while dodging the underlying issues driving change of custody.

 

[iammybeloveds]

@mrt22 I hear ya. No worries. Boy dad here. This is a pretty eye-opening book, and something I encourage ALL parents to read: The Boy Crisis: Why Our Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It https://a.co/d/60E8e2v

Not sure what the gender of OP’s littles are, but dad’s are just as important and foundational in their kids’ lives as mom is.

 

[syra]

@hisman If the roles were reversed, and dad was the one with substance abuse history and mom was asking this question, every person in here would be screaming and saying "if the father refused the test, then that's his fault and he doesn't deserve custody and maybe he shouldn't have gotten himself into this in the first place. He's a horrible father that can't accept the courts ruling". Because it's never the moms fault for people on here. But if it were dad's, screw him.

Truth is, life has consequences. You and your kids are not at fault for her consequences. They are hers. She broke their trust. And its not up to you to repair it for her. Yes, they affect you and the kids. But explain to your kids that there are consequences for your actions, and the court took the choice out of everyone's hands. They won't understand now, because kids are not adults and don't have that reasoning or understanding yet. But when they're older, they will remember this and more, and hopefully it will help them understand before they make a choice, that it may have consequences they do or don't like. We hope they make good choices and that their consequences don't have to be administered and decided by a court of law. You keep being a good father to them, and explain actions and consequences. They'll understand and thank you later in life.