I have full custody of my kids (4, 6 & 8) indefinitely and I don’t know how to tell them why
- Thread starter hisman
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- advice request dads
@2bhis4evr The general sentiment I was intending to refer to was the whole of reddit, and I didnt do a good job of relaying that. r/daddit has been pretty even keeled for the most part, but given the times we are in.....
@syra I can’t say this is my observation of this sub. My experience is that the sub is much more even keeled.
I do see our sub focus more on solutions, often which involving talking or counseling, whereas other subs tend to jump to judgments about how horrible the person is.
I also think it’s why you see so many Dads posting about issues with their partners vice just posts about being a dad. This is a healthy and supportive Dad forum. And one that is less of an echo chamber than others (accepting all subs are to one degree or another inherently echo chambers).
I do see our sub focus more on solutions, often which involving talking or counseling, whereas other subs tend to jump to judgments about how horrible the person is.
I also think it’s why you see so many Dads posting about issues with their partners vice just posts about being a dad. This is a healthy and supportive Dad forum. And one that is less of an echo chamber than others (accepting all subs are to one degree or another inherently echo chambers).
katrina2017
New member
@katrina2017 I don’t know what thread you guys are reading but of fifty- plus comments there are two that are outright shitty and one or two that are on the fence, all the rest in line with the supportive community we are used to seeing here.
In fact, these three complaining comments are adding unhelpful noise to the rest of the supportive discussion.
Daddit is fine.
In fact, these three complaining comments are adding unhelpful noise to the rest of the supportive discussion.
Daddit is fine.
@ojusvee06 Agreed. The only anti-dad things I see are, for the vast majority, rightfully calling out a dad who has it wrong. A part of being a supportive community is calling a foul a foul.
@ojusvee06 This thread isn’t the worst, but there are so many threads, on a regular basis, that all too frequently devolve into what is very obviously anti-dad (men) rhetoric.
@samsina I guess I have to take your word for it since I don’t read literally every thread here but I haven’t experienced anything even remotely similar to what you’re describing here. Sure, 1-2 folks will have an UnPoPuLaR oPiNiOn but on the whole this place is pretty consistent with its support.
@katrina2017 There's r/breakingdad, I think
kingoffrogs
New member
@hisman In my experience, it does you no good to lie for your ex. Her addictions aren't your responsibility to manage anymore. You don't owe her anything, let alone excuses on her behalf. Your best course of action with your kids is to be honest with them about the situation, even if they don't understand it, and even if it leads to more questions.
From personal experience and from what I've seen with others who've gone through similar is that this situation isn't likely to get better. Some addicts can sort themselves out, but few do. Most spiral down and hurt a lot of people along the way. It's better to prepare your kids early for the lifetime of disappointment with their mother than to constantly run interference for her.
If she somehow gets control over her addictions, that's great, and this incident can be part of her personal story of hitting rock bottom, but again, you are no longer responsible for her story. Your responsibility ends with your children, full stop.
From personal experience and from what I've seen with others who've gone through similar is that this situation isn't likely to get better. Some addicts can sort themselves out, but few do. Most spiral down and hurt a lot of people along the way. It's better to prepare your kids early for the lifetime of disappointment with their mother than to constantly run interference for her.
If she somehow gets control over her addictions, that's great, and this incident can be part of her personal story of hitting rock bottom, but again, you are no longer responsible for her story. Your responsibility ends with your children, full stop.
@kingoffrogs Good point. “Her addictions aren’t your responsibility”. Put it on the kids. Jesus. You may not owe her anything but the kids don’t deserve that burden. You don’t shit talk a co-parent for the KIDS sake, not because you owe the co-parent anything.
kingoffrogs
New member
@kingoffrogs It’s not lying to your kids when you decide to not burden them with the weight of adult situations and problems. “Mom has some things she needs to take care of” is not a lie. Do you impose ALL of your problems on your kids simply because NOT telling them would somehow be depriving them of the truth?
@lizzielou Disagree with this - if she refused, it’s not on op or the courts. Mom knew the rules and knew the consequences and still refused. Sadly, it’s on her.
august10181
New member
fleshisweak
New member
@hisman What's wrong with "mummy has some problems so the court ordered she can only look after you if she takes a test sometimes to make sure she's still ok. She refused to take the test last time she had to, so she can't look after you until everyone's sure she can pass the test again".
It's essentially true and gives them an understanding of the situation, avoids explicitly blaming mum but makes it clear that her choices precipitated everything that's happened, and avoids any specifics that might embarrass you or the mother if the kids repeat it anywhere.
It's essentially true and gives them an understanding of the situation, avoids explicitly blaming mum but makes it clear that her choices precipitated everything that's happened, and avoids any specifics that might embarrass you or the mother if the kids repeat it anywhere.