@gdsmith She didn’t. She lost the kids for refusing to take the breathalyzer she was required by court order to take. You can pass a hair follicle test the day after drinking.
@hisman This is a really tough situation and I think you’re right to trust your instincts here. I don’t love the notion of “why not comply if you have nothing to hide”, but you likely know their mom as well as anyone and lived through that experience so definitely think it’s better to keep your kids safe when you’re in doubt.
Not sure if you have the resources, but I’d encourage you to seek professional guidance from someone that can assist you and your children with coping with their mother’s addiction. It sounds like you have a pretty reasonable perspective of wanting to them to maintain a relationship with their mom and hopefully her recovery goes well, but the reality is there could be bumps along the way and you all may need additional resources to cope, especially as they get older and more aware of what’s going on. I think in any situation Iike this, it’s important for everyone to understand their mother still loves them (which you seem to acknowledge), and her behavior is not a reflection of them or how she feels about them. But they have to understand too, that they can’t control her behavior/addiction, only how they cope with it. I’d expect the earlier they can start working through this trauma with a professional, the better off they’d be. I wish your family all the best as you navigate these difficult circumstances.
@hisman "I know it really hurts your heart when you miss Mom and can't see her, especially when you were looking forward to it. Some people have a disease called alcoholism which makes them sick. It takes a lot of time to get better. Some people get better and some people don't. I know your Mom loves you so much and doesn't want to be sick anymore. Let's all hope that Mom's sickness gets better so she can be around more often. She has to work hard to get better, so let's cheer her on together." Something like this. Being honest but age appropriate is always my go to.
@hisman You can keep it simple, without going into specifics. While my parents were separated and I wasn’t allowed to see my dad due to a CA investigation(he was later proved innocent and my parents got back together), I was told “daddy loves you, but he can’t take care of you right now. He misses you and you’ll get to see him again soon, we just have to wait until he’s ready for you.” I’d ask everyday if daddy was ready yet, and he wasn’t for a long time- at least a couple months. But eventually things were resolved and my parents got back together. I was able to see my dad again, and he’s still my rock. The difference is he never did anything to put me in danger like your wife did your kids in the initial situation, but I think my mom’s words will be helpful.
@pilgrimc The issue isn’t that she relapsed, it’s that she refused to test. If she had been honest and open to seeking help, maybe OP would have been willing to work things out without involving the court.
My child’s parent has a history of alcoholism (and other things) and while he’s in a good place now, he wasn’t for many years. Anytime he was honest with me, I bent over backwards to support his relationship with our child (while ensuring he was safe to be around). But when he was dishonest there was nothing I could do, the safety of our kid comes first.
Edit: nvm, I have no idea how I ended up on Daddit lol. My bad for not checking what sub I was in.
@hisman About the breathalyzer, I don't see the effectiveness unless it's something like a breathalyzer car lock. If you invoke the breathalyzer rule, isn't it not going to be worth it if you catch her at a sober time? Is there something I'm not understanding?
@truth1864 I mean no because it’s for a situation like she comes to get the kids at pick up, OP suspects she’s been drinking, and requests she test. That way he can ensure the children aren’t going into the care of someone drinking. Or any other situation where her behavior may indicate she’s drinking. It’s not random, it’s if OP sees her and suspects she’s drinking.
@truth1864 It would depend on the writing in their order and what they agreed on. She could have a portable unit at home or it may be a case where she has a specific amount of time she needs to go get tested within once OP has made the request.
