I don’t like my daughter’s friend. And they’re 7

[nougat]

@jide I suppose it is different... but I was trying to illustrate a different way of explaining things to kids so that it helps them learn how to make healthy friendships.

 

[khills316]

@nougat It’s your job to raise and educate your kid. If that means, keeping him away from bad influence - as you determined - so be it, don’t feel bad about it. You have limited responsibilities for his friend

 

[lcc1999]

@nougat i've read somewhere that sexual behavior/mimicking sexual behavior in children that young can be an indication of SA at home. good on you for calling CPS!

 

[isaiah9six]

@olly91 Some of this is normal, expected "rudeness" from that age group. I'd largely just let it alone. Things like "my house is bigger and better," you can respond with "yes, houses come in all shapes and sizes because everyone has their own preferences. My husband and I bought this house because we really like [insert thing you guys like about your house]. What is your favorite thing about your house?" If she says "our car is newer" or "we spent $ on dinner." You can just respond and acknowledge what she said. Don't really put any emotion into it. "Yep, that's right your car is newer." The point is to model that these objective "facts" are just that, facts. They have no bearing as to how you live your life or the pride you feel in your own vehicle and such.

Now of course there is time to intervene - you're not going to let her open your daughter's birthday presents. You're going to say "its [your daughter's] birthday so she gets to open her presents. Remember on your birthday YOU get to open your presents." If she pushes back you will probably just have to say something like "our rule is that the birthday girl gets to open her own presents. please sit with the other kids now."

But again, for other things, just let it go. If she complains about paper plates - "we're eating dinner on paper plates tonight - here you go." or that your daughter's birthday is at the park - "yep, daughter likes to have her birthday at the park." If she then says she doesn't like that? "Hmm well then you can have your birthday party somewhere that isn't the park!"

And then in the meantime, just continue modeling what you view is appropriate speech. And you can also (when this friend isn't around) have conversations with your own daughter about it. You can say things like "Do you remember earlier when [friend] said that her house is bigger and better?" and then ask questions like "Why do you think she said that?" and "How did that make you feel?" You can ask if your daughter thinks those were kind things to say?

I agree with your choice that since the friend wasn't listening to your nanny, she doesn't get to come over and play while the nanny is there. I'd also remain pretty strict with that for yourself - if she's acting up, send her home. "That's not allowed in our home. I'm going to send you home now, you can try again tomorrow/next week."

Right now, as frustrating as this all is to deal with as the parent, its pretty mild stuff. You're generally able to supervise and you can intervene when necessary as well as have conversations with your own child about this. This will be especially important if you see this friend acting in an unkind manner to your daughter. You can talk about healthy friendships and all that. I think this will also be a good lesson in that different families/people value different things. And that's OK, as long as everyone is generally being kind and respectful. Basically, I'm saying that this child is offering you a good opportunity to have these conversations and build up skills that your daughter will need as she grows up, especially because you'll likely never be able to influence your daughter as much as you can now. Eventually, your daughter is going to be interacting with peers who may display far more undesirable behavior, but its not going to be occurring in your presence. And you'll want your daughter to have some skills to determine if this behavior is OK, as well as the trust to come to you if she's unsure/over her head.

 

[redron]

@olly91 I had a friend like this growing up, around the same age. I remember knowing she liked to lie about silly things and I always thought it was odd. I ended up being a very honest pretty good kid regardless of the bad friend. We ended up parting ways in a weird circumstance when we were about 13? And I just made better friends after.

 

[kir081315]

@olly91 It depends on whether your daughter actually enjoys being around the other girl and wants to be friends with her. If it’s a yes, I think you have to have that tough conversation with one of her parents. If not, become busy more often.

 

[sheenpure6]

@olly91 This isn't a time for dislike. This is a time for educating. This is when you pose counterpoints, such as "how do you feel when I tell you that my phone is newer than your mom's?" This stage in life is when children need to be guided and taught, not resented and excluded. I totally get that it's tough - my 6-year-old says some pretty tactless things, and I have to really check my frustration in favor if explanation.

 

[olly91]

@sheenpure6 This is the general consensus that I’m getting. It’s easier to tell my daughter and explain to her why we don’t say those things but sometimes 8yo triggers me where I immediately react and turn protective.

 

[sheenpure6]

@olly91 I totally get where you're coming from. My 6-year-old isn't terribly good with social boundaries, so he says things he shouldn't, and as a result he HEARS things that I wish he wouldn't hear. But ultimately, kids need to learn how to fit those comments into their context of the world, and it's HARD to stand by and let it happen!

 

[thatdanishgirl]

@olly91 Protecting your daughter from people you think are challenging just means she won't learn the tools to deal with them.

 

[ilovemaritalbliss]

@thatdanishgirl Absolutely……and you don’t know who she is playing with at school either. We can’t keep our kids wrapped in bubble wrap, even though we want to.

 

[olly91]

@thatdanishgirl Ugh yes I realize this. I think I’ve personally have come such a long way on my own self esteem journey that it’s hard to not feel triggered by this little girl!

 

[thatdanishgirl]

@olly91 You're clearly a good mum. Maybe have a think on what tools you can give your daughter to help her deal with kids like this.

 

[katrina2017]

@olly91 I have been in this situation. I set boundaries but would also always greet her with a big smile and a hug. When she stated something that I considered to be rude I would let her know that it isn't acceptable and had to send her home a few times. Things improved. I talked a lot with my daughter to ensure that she wasn't bothered by the behavior. She was very aloof to her friend's rudeness and really enjoyed playing with her so I didn't want to end their friendship.

 

[ericsoncudg]

@olly91 Tbh it may just be my school background (working I. Elementary schools for a while) but is it really so terrible to gently correct these things? Kids don't know if they're being offensive unless you tell them. If the negative comments continue you can tell them they're gonna have to end the visit because kind words are a rule at your house or something.

 

[mcdonaldd]

@olly91 I can tell you that you are not the only adult annoyed by this girl. Other parents and teachers are as well. I would bet my life on it. She learned this behavior from someone and it's a shame. When she compares things, with hers coming out on top, just ask her what that means. And if she eventually says something like her family has more money or better stuff, just ask her if she thinks that makes them better. If you can stand her long enough to also kindly help her see this kind of thing is pointless, you'll be doing a very good thing. But it's hard. Have conversations with your daughter to find out what she thinks about this. She still gets her value system from you. Don't make it an important issue, your daughter will tire of her bullshit on her own.

I used to carpool a bunch of boys to football practice. They were probably 15 yrs old, right before they could get their driver's license. They all talked about a boy in their class whose parents had a huge Lincoln Navigator in the garage, waiting for him for when he got his license. I was sure it was just nonsense but they all swore it was true, they had seen it. One of the kids said, "His parents told him they want him to be a winner, and to be a winner, you have to drive a winner's car." I was speechless. After a second, I asked these boys if they thought having that car would make him a winner. There was a pause, and I watched them look at each other in my rear view mirror. Then they all yelled out, "YEAH!" I just laughed so hard and said you guys would think anyone who had a car with 4 wheels was a winner. And they all laughed and said yeah, again. They knew it was stupid but they were at that age when a car was dream come true.

Same with birthday parties and homes. Kids know who's got the best stuff but that's not always the house they wanna hang out at. It's an indefinable quality, some kind of mojo, that has nothing to do with money.

 

[ericr]

@olly91 that description reminded me of Anna Delvey. Maybe ask your daughter if she really enjoys being with her and ask her what she likes the most of her.

 

[spidermonkey]

@olly91 This is going to sound stupid, I’m terrible at explaining things. I get what your saying about bad influences because my kid was influenced by her classmates at school. My kid became a “Karen” overnight it seemed. My house doesn’t operate like that at all. Her friends don’t come to our house and rarely does she go to their houses so I figured it was something she was seeing in school. I went to the school to eat lunch with her. It was a table full of 20 mini-Karen’s. I was shocked. I started talking to them. Some of them were following others for acceptance but definitely the ringleaders were in the kinda “pain” others are talking about. I started volunteering for more field trips and functions just to be around them more and provide some adult presence that wasn’t there to judge, I guess. They acted fine, until I left of course but it’s at least some progress. How I broke my daughter of this terrible habit is for every mean thing she said, she had to say 3 nice things. She hated complimenting things so she stopped saying ugly things. She says she still thinks mean things but so do most people, I know I do. My kid was never down right rude like opening others presents or talking back to adults. She has a heart of gold, but that mouth is a different story.

 

[uniquetexasgirl]

@olly91 Personally if the kid was saying stuff like, “ my house is bigger,” etc and I was there, I’d probably respond, “that’s not important to us.” It’s blunt and gets the point across. It may be a little rude(but I don’t care), but it’s not actually mean.

And if she tries to cross boundaries I’d just firmly enforce them. “Those are daughters gifts, she gets to open them.” “Paper plates are perfectly acceptable for lunch. If you’d like to join us for lunch you can use them.”

Someone else said to compliment good behavior and I agree with that too. I just can’t ignore the bad behavior though. I believe in both.

I remember when I was this age I had a rude bossy friend that lived by me. It got to the point where one day I just told her I didn’t want to play with her anymore. And that was that.

 

[researcher1]

@olly91 We sort of cut ties with one friend because she is very manipulative. "If you don't do x, I'm going home." This led to my child bawling hysterically and thinking she did something wrong.

But we tend to tell her friend that everyone has different opinions but when you're at our house, you follow our rules.