I don’t like my daughter’s friend. And they’re 7

[kenp]

@katrina2017 Absolutely! I have 6 children aged 24 to 3 and this is exactly how I've always handled situations such as these in my home!

 

[henryrollins]

@katrina2017

“Paper plates are so much easier you just throw them away when you are done and then we don’t have to make you guys wash the dishes haha!”

Yeah please don't teach your kids that.

EDIT: Thanks for the downvotes but please also explain how it is even remotely acceptable in 2022 to use disposable paper plates just because it's "so much easier".

 

[rikdo]

@henryrollins I didn’t even know people did this!! Such an incredible amount of waste. Is this an American thing? Is it common?

 

[henryrollins]

@rikdo Yeah, might be. I'm a Hungarian living in the UK and it would be VERY uncommon in both countries. To make things worse, food can ruin paper so it cannot even be recycled. Hell, it would even cost more than just getting some cheap plates that literally last forever.

 

[absolucid13]

@henryrollins Not to say this is what OP is doing, but at our house we use compostable paper plates and utensils at my daughter's birthday party and then just toss them in our yard waste bin. I'm in the US and there are definitely wildly different levels of environmental responsibility here.

 

[nicholas11]

@katrina2017 love "the dishes" one. You can always try, "oh, you're probably right. We can do that, but I need you to do the dishes after we eat. Will that be ok?"

 

[madlove]

@olly91 Annoying, rude kids that rub you the wrong way are difficult.

Modeling a better way of communicating and treating others is the only strategy that I think helps.

Sometimes it's possible to get them to change their behaviour. However (in my experience) the kid needs to feel secure and comfortable enough around you to let their guard down, before they can actually start to listen and adapt.

Things I have noticed can help:

1) Constant comparison. “My house is bigger and better.” “Our car is newer.” “We spent $ on this dinner.”

• Don't show the kid you find what they said rude. This kid is not yet fully socialized, and it is her awkward way of trying to share information and engage with others.
  
  Look at them with a friendly expression and answer with something like
• "Is it now?/ Did you? That must be nice /have been nice for you." Then continue with sharing some experience of your own - something that is (at least mostly) true:
• "I like our house. It fits our family well, but sometimes I miss the porch/garden/treehouse behind the house I grew up in as a kid".
• "Are you interested in cars? I have never been very into cars, they just take me from place a to b, but my sister/best friend/neighbours aunt was really interested in cars when we were growing up, always talking about them and got a mustang in 19XX "

-"is that your favourite meal? When I was a kid I liked xxx the best"

I think answering them in this way gives them a model of how they too could engage in conversations with others without bragging.
And it gives them an opening they can pick up on and continue the discussion in a non-braggy way.

2) General rudeness. She wanted to open my daughter’s presents in my daughter’s birthday. She questioned my husband when we served her lunch on paper plates, and suggested that he use a real plate. She complained that my daughter’s birthday is aLwAys at the park.

-"We sometimes use paper plates, and nope, not getting any real plates today".
-"We prefer having the birthday at the park"

friendly and matter of factly - if the brat continues to ask why or say they prefer something else - reinforce your first statement :

• "when you eat at your home/when it is your birthday maybe you do things differently, this is how we like it."
  Then to soften it up, so they don't feel snubbed, continue with something like:
  -"Isn't it nice that not everybody wants the same thing or does things the same way? I think life would get boring soon otherwise."

3) Disregard for authority. Afterschool nanny has complained that 8yo does not listen when she comes over so she was not allowed to come over until I got home.

There isn't much you can do about that, but you already solved that problem by not having her over without you there.

When you do have to straight out tell the kid that whatever they are doing/saying is inappropriate I think it often helps if you start with
-"You know I think you are a good kid/ I like you Brattina... but the thing you are doing now isnt' ok for reasons , and you need to stop.".

Insecure, not socially very skilled kids that brag and try to act all confident can be more sensitive to critizism than you would ever think.

 

[jaibiru]

@madlove Love this advice… but super love that the child’s name in your example is “Brattina”. Hahah!

 

[nyamwangedavid]

@madlove Love this response.... a thousand times yes to this.

 

[tartamudo]

@madlove This is so helpful and really helpful in dealing with rude adults too!

 

[hortense]

@madlove Great concrete examples of super helpful responses!

 

[offsetonsetonfroy]

@madlove ^ what I was going to type, but better!

 

[katrina2017]

@olly91 Lol i had a friend like this when i was little. My mom basically pointed out what I already knew and I said i don’t want to hang out with her anymore and that was that.

 

[fudog]

@olly91 My nephew is the bragging kid. He's 14 now, but this behavior has been going on since 7. His parents spoil the fuck out of him; they think it's great he shows off to his friend all the cool stuff he has like brand-label clothes, the newest iPhone they always get for him as soon as it comes out, or his multiple game consoles. I think a lot of it comes from either: him being the only child, them feeling bad they both work too much and don't spend enough time with him, or that they grew up poor themselves and don't want to "deprive" him of things they always wanted when they were his age. It doesn't help he didn't have too many friends growing up.

I babysit him a lot and have to nip that shit in the bud constantly when he does it to others (adults and kids). Someone suggested you telling this girl some manners/etiquette like, "You can't open other people's birthdays gifts. How would like..." and so on. Emphasis on empathy for others, you know? Maybe it'll affect her thinking or maybe not.

After all, when I visited my nephew recently, he looked at my Samsung and said laughing, "My iPhone is way better than your phone." I lost my patience and said, "Dude, you can't say stuff like that. It's rude. How do you think that makes me feel?!"

The kid got pissed off and walked away when his mom found out about it, but he later apologized. It sucks because I know he'll most likely continue that behavior with his peers/relatives. Hopefully, others also call him out on it as he grows older because it's really obnoxious.

I don't know if my nephew does it out of insecurity, jealousy, or a need for affirmation. She's not your kid, so all you can do is gently call out the comments if you hear them (since your daughter's friend is still very young). If your daughter brings it up, reassure her that you have enough and you're all happy.

 

[bb1212]

@olly91 You maintain boundaries in your home and be an adult who is caring and shows her other options. She’s 8. Trying to navigate the world with the tools she has. She’s not evil. She’s insecure/doesn’t know any better.

I would say: “you really love your house, don’t you?” Or “it sounds like you enjoy being in the new car!” Or “it sounds like you really enjoyed your dinner!”

If she’s rude I might set boundaries. “Hey, when you’re over at my house we use kind words. X is a word that hurts feelings. What other words can we use instead?” Or “it’s so hard to watch someone else open gifts! Waiting sucks sometimes huh?” Or even “here at our house we use paper plates for ease. Less dishes for everyone!”

Also. She’s a kid. They are suppose to disregard authority.

Lol. All this to say: she sounds like a typical kid who needs to broaden her horizon. Your different lifestyle and expectations are enriching. And it’s a good lesson for your daughter on how she can be her own person- that she’s different from her friends- and that she can move through the world in ways that feels good for her. Allow your daughter to navigate this friendship which doesn’t seem unsafe- just annoying.

 

[khills316]

@bb1212 Why is it her responsibility to manage that friend? If it’s a problem, she should limit or even disinvite that kid completely. Her child wellbeing is more important

 

[bb1212]

@khills316 If you have a kid at your house, under your guidance and protection, then you are also responsible for “managing” them. I also believe that it takes a village. That love, compassion, and empathy are greater than rejection and punishment.

 

[katrina2017]

@olly91 One of my daughters who is very impressionable, she had this one friend I always felt was a little bratty, but then the icing on the cake was the day this "friend" convinced my daughter to steal something from the cafeteria to give to her. Obviously what my daughter did was wrong and she was punished accordingly.

I grew up in an authoritative house, so I was weary of dictating to my child that this friendship needed to end (but clearly in my eyes it needed to). I discussed with my daughter how friends should and shouldn't treat each other and that true friends wouldn't ask you to do things that make you uncomfortable or could get you in trouble. And that you should never feel like you couldn't say "NO". But what I also did, was made a point to set up a bunch of playdates with new friends/classmates/neighbors and luckily one of those new friendships took hold and over time my child just grew a part from the trouble maker. I feel like helping to facilitate a natural progression worked so much better then if I had tried to put my foot down and end the friendship myself.

 

[nougat]

@olly91 I don't like one of my kid's friends. Yesterday I decided to tell my son that he isn't a safe kid because he doesn't respect rules, he isn't nice to other kids, lies and does dangerous things and that is why my son isn't allowed to play with him without supervision. I don't want to dictate who my son's friends will be but I am trying to limit influence at least... my son is 8 and this kid is 9. My neighbor said that this kid showed her children "naked women" on the internet and I've heard of another experience with this kid acting out sex with another child (I called cps when I heard that). This kid also says things like "friends don't tell on eachother" and proceeds to be an utter asshole to my kid. I point out that certain things are not good friend things to do because I'm trying to teach my son to pick his friends wisely.

 

[jide]

@nougat This is serious stuff, very different from the minor bad behavior in the op.