I don’t like my daughter’s friend. And they’re 7

[jamela]

@olly91 Have rules and boundaries at your home and enforce them. If she can’t follow the rules, she can’t come over. Don’t allow your daughter to go over to her house where you can’t enforce the rules.

 

[olly91]

@jamela Yep I’ve enforced the no screen rule more than once when they’re playing.

 

[malikinam]

@olly91 As a nanny, I will say that watching your kids friends can be so draining especially if they have this type of behavior. For your Nannie’s sake I would limit the amount of time they have to interact with your daughters friend. Also just in general with kids I would say that it’s not your responsibility to try and teach this 8 year old manners. That’s the parents job. The hard thing is that your daughter probably loves her friend! Maybe scale back on sleepovers and maybe push for them to play outside !!

 

[ignifer]

@olly91 Thank you for asking this question - I am experiencing a similar situation and these responses have been incredibly helpful.

 

[wills777]

@olly91 Not your kid. Don’t like it, don’t invite her over. You can’t parent someone else’s kid unfortunately.

 

[saali]

@olly91 I had this same exact thing when my youngest had a friend over. She was about 8 or so at the time. The friend just struck me as trouble on many subtle levels. After she left I told my daughter I wasn’t very keen on her friend and told her why in age appropriate ways. I have always tried to explain and speak with my kids about things at their level and especially behaviours as I spent many years with questionable relatives who I was expected to tolerate.

My child defended her friend and I told her I’d not stop her having her over or being friends but just to watch out for the certain behaviour and decide herself if she liked being around that or not.
Several months later my child told me she had noticed her friends behaviour and it had gotten worse and my child pulled away from her and moved onto other friends.

I think kids will think others are just like them and will often put up with bad behaviours thinking they will stop or change. When I personally realised (way too late in life) that I didn’t have to accept or be around badly behaved people it was such an eye opener to me. Kids can definitely be smart enough to choose wisely if they realise it’s not healthy and they don’t have to put up with it.

 

[clare77]

@olly91 I personally just limited contact with another child for my daughter due to similar behavior. If she did hang out with the other child, it was where I could overhear and step in to correct behavior. Then after the child leaves I explain to my daughter why there are certain rules or actions we do not tolerate and ask her not to follow in the friend’s footsteps. I remind her she is doing good by knowing the limits and saying no when she knows better. But it could also be a discussion with the parent if you aren’t able to gently direct the child when they’re in your household.

 

[blubberflub]

@olly91 Know the type, kids are perceptive and this one has probably copied this behaviour from the parents (i bet they're assholes to waiters too), not much you can do except insist on politeness around your family or cut all ties.

 

[svm9]

@olly91 My house is bigger “oh, yes it is! You have a beautiful home”
We spent $$$ on dinner “ooo tell me what’d you order ?!”
My car is bigger “ah I bet you can fit so many people in there!”
Your bday party is always at the park “We love to be outdoors in nature”
Why are you eating on paper plates? “So that we don’t have to wash dishes and have more time to spend together.”

Is it possible you’re sensitive to the things she’s noticing?

 

[jide]

@olly91 This is all minor stuff. Model good behavior at home and try to chill about minor rudeness

 

[araxi]

@olly91 I like all the advice people are writing here and it makes perfect sense. But man, you have to parent a kid who’s not yours because their parents don’t parent? That’s gotta be exhausting mentally. I really hope it works out OP. This kind of scenario is what I’m dreading as my son gets older and I’ll probably have to deal with something similar. So I’m going to bookmark this post so that I have good advice saved. Thanks for sharing this with us.

 

[olly91]

@araxi You’re very welcome. I’m just navigating uncharted territory because I didn’t have this particular problem growing up. I grew up lower income and now I’m upper middle class. I’m also in a neighborhood where many people opt for private school so there are different social problems.

 

[machine45]

@olly91 Punt!

 

[cgl1023]

@olly91 This is a hard one. You just have to make sure your daughter understands that her friend's behaviour is not good and make sure you pick up on anything your daughter has picked up from her friend. Imagine how I feel, my best friend of nearly 20 years has a daughter 1 year older than my daughter and they have grown up with each other and likewise with your situation my friends daughter behaves in ways I dont like either and that I dont want my daughter picking up on. It's hard.

 

[padi]

@olly91 It’s hard because you don’t want to ban your daughter from having certain friends (that will likely backfire anyway) but if she is hanging out w children whose families really don’t share your values, that bad behavior/attitude is bound to rub off on her. It sounds like she is growing up with a lot of entitlement. I would definitely have some matter of fact conversations about rude and judgemental things the friend said, after the friend goes home. And keep setting boundaries on how often and where they hang out- it’s good that they’re at your house at least so you can keep an eye on what’s going on and address it. Also, just having an open convo w daughter about how she feels around this friend and what a good friendship should feel like

 

[katrina2017]

@olly91 I would let her know your house rules, if it were me i would say we dont talk like that here and tell her why. We dont say things like that because its rude. And then let the parents know what kind of things shes saying. I always worry if my son is rude when he goes over to the neighbors house. I told them it is fine by me to correct him and also let me know so i can teach him better. So far no problems but i would hope these parents would feel the same way. I would be mortified if i found out my son was being a stuck up snob. Dont be afraid to say something . I feel like its a duty to teach kids right from wrong and what kindness means. I dont like the soft approach orher ppl are going w that doesnt help snobby kids. They need a reality check. Friends dont talk to each ither like that

 

[clcassell21]

@olly91 It's sounds like these are the things her parents may value.

My younger sister is materialistic, self-absorbed, and can come off pretty rude. Her daughter (niece 1) has fancy, expensive purses, they get a new, leased car every other year, and she's active in tons of expensive extracurriculars (dance, gymnastics, cheer, areial sports, etc). To afford all this, my sister does not save any money, often asks for loans from family, is always doing a "fundraiser"... It's insane.

In comparison, my younger brother's daughter (niece 2), just a few months older than niece 1, has been raised with more focus on appreciating what they have, and each other, and not focusing on the fancier stuff. She does one sport at a time, usually through a city program. Her mother is extremely creative and uses sales/thrift stores to create great outfits for the kids, etc.

So, while niece 1 may say, "look at my purse, or was $350!" Niece 2 would say, "look at mine! I got it for $2!"

It's just where their parents place their focus.

One thing I've realized is kids are hella impressionable. I have always taken my kid thrift shopping. Last summer, for back to school, we took one of his buds with us. For clarity, both are AFAB, and both were females presenting, but eager to move into more masculine clothing. They picked out shirts, pants, shoes... Just everything they could need. They loved getting to try more masculine stuff without spending hundreds of dollars. It also have them a chance to figure out what styles they prefer. When we were finished, I took the extra money and we introduced the bud to Indian food.

That kid had never done those things before. Now that they have, they consistently ask to go again, next time we go.

It's okay you don't like the friend. We can't like everyone. I'm just saying, you may be shocked by how much influence you have.

 

[katrina2017]

@olly91 I think you try and be compassionate and remember that she's modeling behavior from home, and probably feels insecure. In my experience, families that focus so much on material possessions are not very loving, and certainly can be very judgmental even to their own children. So this kid might be coming to your house and actually feeling insecure, or uncertain how to behave with a family that's very interactive and casual.

I think it's fair for you to say things like "We do things our own way in our house and that's ok" or "Yes, people spend different amounts on meals and live in different sized houses. Some people have more money than others and there are a lot of reasons for that." You might be able to reframe some of her statements without the judgment that she's putting into them. I liked the idea another commenter had of complimenting her positive behavior too.

 

[zeelizardglue]

@olly91 Idk sounds like a fantastic learning opportunity for your kiddo with your guidance.

Also, that kid is clearly looking for validation and probably has some self esteem issues. You should provide a safe harbor for them when they play with your kid

 

[carolynnab]

@olly91 We used to have a neighbor just like that .
We stopped letting her come over because it would make my daughter feel sad the way she would constantly compare.