@bobear24 I was an angry and sad kid when I was that age. I didn't refuse to go to school entirely, but I skipped classes, I'd run away from home, I was all over the place emotionally. There were some things that happened that had traumatized me, and my parents didn't see it. Trauma wasn't really a thing back then, so no one really understood what was happening. I made a lot of demands that I was shocked to get no push back on, and weren't really in my best interest. Where I assumed someone would stop me (running away, for instance), adults thought they really couldn't stop me if they wanted to, so they didn't try and I wound up following through because I didn't feel like I had other choices. When they did try they often tried to force me to do what they wanted with no buy in or consent from me, which made me feel controlled so I resisted. I felt so out of control myself, and I wanted to feel in control, so that translated into wanting control in my life too - and resisting any pressure anyone put on me to do basically anything. I acted out a lot trying to get someone to help, although I often refused to participate when help was offered. Unfortunately I was living in an age of 'tough love' where the tough part was most important, and so it just escalated and escalated until I wound up homeless & pregnant by a much older man at 15.
What might've helped me at the time was constant, gentle reminders that people cared about me, because I truly did not believe that they did - and I don't mean verbally, I mean, respecting (reasonable) boundaries, respecting autonomy, being clear about consequences, using harm reduction techniques. Hearing that people were worried about me and understanding the likely outcomes of my choices might have helped me think thinks through instead of just reacting in the moment and being completely surprised by the response. Knowing that people wanted me to be safe rather than thinking everyone was angry with me for not complying would've been helpful. I really didn't understand how much I was actually in control of the situation, and how little adults could do without some cooperation from me; adults were still talking to me like they knew everything and had all the answers and it was just confusing why I had this obvious, massive problem that no one seemed to be even trying to address never mind solve. I felt like a burden and an inconvenience. I felt unloved and out of control. I was so angry, everything was so unfair. I couldn't live like this, I didn't feel like I had any place where I could be myself, everywhere I went there was all this pressure and I just couldn't meet everyone's expectations, and I also couldn't live with constant disapproval from all sides. I blamed my parents for a lot of stuff - some fair, some not so fair, but they were the people who were supposed to be in charge afaik so things not working for me must be their fault in my teenage mind. Who else was I to get mad at? I felt so misunderstood. I would get completely overwhelmed by my emotions and rage at my parents. I didn't have the words or insight to tell anyone what was wrong, and honestly, I'm not sure anyone would've listened at the time anyway, everyone was pretty interested in me listening to them but no one was really listening to me.
Even if being more loving, compassionate and gentle didn't net obvious improvements, it might have kept me at home or in touch with family later when I was getting to a place where I could pull myself together. I didn't know I had a caring home that would respect me to go to. I returned eventually, but it was an act of desperation, and even then it felt so stifling and humiliating and like I had to be someone I could not be, I tried to get away as much as I possibly could to survive it. I wish they'd pushed harder for theraputic care - i'm sure I would've resisted, but I needed some help. I wish people had treated me like a person, rather than acting like they were in control but then controlling nothing. The approach I've taken with my kids when I see them heading for trouble is to say something like, " hey, I see you're headed for that wall over there, I'm worried for you, that's going to hurt. Are you ok? whats going on? I'd like to help, if you'll let me. I love you ". I wish someone had taken that approach with me, to help me figure out how to regulate myself, to help me at least make less painful choices, to know that I had better choices. I wish someone was clear about boundaries, and what was my own domain of control and where I would have to deal with other people's limitations and autonomy. I wish people had been less concerned about whether I was going to school and doing my chores, and more concerned about my well being; it made me feel like obedience was the important part, and made me dig in and shut down more. I wish my parents had chosen to prioritize preserving, repairing and protecting their relationship with me instead of just trying to make me behave.
Anyway, idk if this is any of what your kid is feeling or not. I hope it might at least give you a different perspective to consider. It sounds like you've had a lot more options available to you and you've done a great job taking advantage of what you can. As a mom, dealing with younger me sounds like a nightmare, so delicate, so much hanging in the balance, so few clear answers, never enough support. When I was dysregulated, I was like a drowning victim or a wild animal in a trap, desperately needing help but lashing out with fear, anger and panic at anyone who would come near. Trying to manage other kids and work and other responsibilities on top ... yikes. I did everything I could think of to avoid creating the dynamic I had with my parents, but sometimes life is what it is, even with your best efforts. Heartbreaking all around. I hope you can find her, she sounds like a kid who needs a soft place to land. And, I hope if she's not able to be found yet, that you're able to keep her from harm until she's able to reach for the help available to her.
(edited for clarity & grammar)
