How do y’all handle explaining absences at work?

[sarajul]

I will finally begin going through the IUI process next month and am growing increasingly anxious about the need to miss work so often in the coming weeks. I work in a fairly small office and I really don’t want anyone to catch on to what I’m doing as rumors spread very quickly in such small offices and I’ve unfortunately heard gossip about others who are TTC and don’t need that negative l energy following me.

With that said, I’ll have to explain why I may have some sporadic work schedules in the coming weeks with all the tests and procedures I’ll be undergoing. My goal is to be a vague as possible, but sometimes I feel like a little white lie may throw people off the scent better than being vague (it’s generally not in my nature to be too vague)

I appreciate any thoughts or advice. I know it’s no one’s business but my own, but we don’t really have HR or anything so I kinda do have to tell my boss something

 

[bobhickman]

@sarajul You do not need to explain. If pressed, you have medical appointments. That's it.

 

[laritybug]

@bobhickman This 100%.

I also work with a small and gossipy work place that tends to be very negative towards those TTC and just had my 2nd IUI. If people get too nosy, I just say that I have to have a medical procedure and the doctor had to squeeze me into their schedule (to explain for the last minute time away). Both are technically 100% true. I also tend to be the grumpy person in the office so people don't ask too many questions...

Good luck navigating these unfair and frustrating systems!

 

[sarajul]

@laritybug Thank you! Yes it’s so frustrating that people can’t seem to respect other’s privacy. If it was a less delicate issue I might take a stand, but it’s such a sensitive topic already I just don’t want to deal with any extra inquiries at this point

 

[bloodbot]

@bobhickman I’m a director and manage quite a few people. You don’t need to over explain. You have the time, take it. It’s yours and you don’t have to justify. You have a doctor appointment. That’s it.

 

[petersondevoutchristian]

@sarajul Just say you have to undergo some medical procedures and tests. They really shouldn’t be praying for further info.

 

[sarajul]

@petersondevoutchristian That’s what I’m inclined to say. I guess my fear is that if I’m too vague they’re going to guess the reasons why I’m being vague, if that makes sense. Like I almost just want to say something else to throw them off the trail. I’m truly stressed by the thought of anyone knowing what I’m doing.

 

[petersondevoutchristian]

@sarajul When in doubt, say it’s butt stuff. They’ll stop asking lol.

 

[sarajul]

@petersondevoutchristian lol! You might be on to something here

 

[georgiainflorida]

@sarajul I legit had butt stuff last year - multiple colonoscopies etc. Can confirm, coworkers don't want to talk about butt stuff

 

[sarajul]

@georgiainflorida Butt stuff it is!

 

[allforgod1012]

@petersondevoutchristian Hahaha diarrhea always does the trick

 

[rocotheepic]

@sarajul I find it helps to sort of brainstorm all the things it could be, just in my own mind, because there are SO many and no one could actually know yours are fertility appointments (they might guess, but that would say more about what's on their minds than it would about you, and there's no way they can know they're right!). You could be having semi-urgent dental work, which often takes multiple appointments. Getting called back for more imaging/tests after a routine cancer screening. Dealing with any number of hard-to-track-down symptoms from a rash to fatigue to diarrhea! Or zillions of other things you wouldn't want to discuss at work.

 

[sarajul]

@rocotheepic Thank you, this is a super helpful perspective

 

[christianmarine85]

@sarajul If you want, you could say something about how you like to schedule all your doctor's appointments / eye exams / dental cleanings at the beginning of the year. Especially if it happens to be slow at your work right now.

 

[kevinh]

@sarajul As others said, you owe them no explanation other than “medical appointments”. If that isn’t sufficient, you could say you’re having some GI issues and are back and forth to doctors about it. Nobody wants to talk about or really cares about their coworkers poop lol.

For me, I trust my immediate supervisor as she has also unfortunately been through this fertility journey so I’ve kept her in the loop with what is exactly going on and she’s protected me from the office BS. I’d recommend this route if you have a trusted higher up. It’s been so helpful to have an understanding person at work when I’m particularly down or when a surprise early morning appointment comes up and it was monumentally important while going through my worst miscarriage. If you have one person you trust, I’d tell them what’s up and I’d also tell them in very plain terms that if I caught wind of anybody in the office joking about/gossiping about/discussing my possible medical conditions at all, I would not hesitate one second to go to HR about it.

Good luck, friend!

 

[dsal]

@kevinh Omg I really did have a major GI issue and required surgery last year. People stopped prying as soon as I used the word colon. Hahaha

 

[sarajul]

@kevinh Thank you. This is a good suggestion. Unfortunately, I just feel that there’s no one in this office in a supervisory position who would be discreet and I have that kind of rapport with. We don’t have a formal HR either, just an admin who manages our schedules. While I’d like to believe she’d be discreet, I don’t know her very well and she’s not exactly HR trained. My main reason for being anxious is I was hired to replace an individual who apparently was not well liked. During our holiday party last month, some employees were a little inebriated and started talking about her and were discussing how “crazy” she was when she was TTC. Apparently she was constantly denying she was TTC but she’d told one person in the office and word spread. Honestly the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth and I’m not sure how long I’d stay here based off those comments, however for now I intend to stay put, but am even more resolved that I don’t want anyone to know what’s going on

 

[sarajul]

@kevinh I don’t know. It was all very catty, but everyone at this office is either older or single/too young to be thinking of TTC. I think they just don’t have babies around here I guess?

& yes best of luck to you. Hoping this is both of our year. Nervous/anxious/excited to escalate to next steps. I’m in my TWW and honestly at this point I just want my cycle to start so we can get started with everything.

 

[egarcia27]

@sarajul Say you’re part of a research study but can’t disclose info due to your contract