How did my mom do it

[hitmanr2]

@equalizer It’s impossible to do this without someone else (husband or another person) looking after the children when they’re small

 

[heavenkisses1985]

@j2019 A lot of people gave you great insight but I just wanted to mention that I am fairly certain most women of that era would either admit that they were struggling too, or they may not remember (the way many of us forget how horrible the postpartum period can be). I think it’s natural to look back with rose colored lenses because the alternative is outright depressing - women have been overworked and exhausted since the dawn of time.

My mom and I talked about it a while back when I complained about the stresses of raising a child now and she said I had many sleepless nights… all that has changed is that the things that keep you up now are different than what kept me up. Our parents had it easier in a lot of ways but remember how difficult it was for women, for so long. At least we talk about postpartum depression and anxiety and the pink tax and the wage gap.

All I can do is hope our kids have it better than we do.

 

[j2019]

@heavenkisses1985 My mom says I’m worrying her more now than when I was living under her roof. She’s concerned with out “burnt out” I appear.

 

[purplegengar]

@j2019 OP, gently, have you talked to your doctor? When was your last check up? Have you considered therapy (even just a few sessions helped me reframe a lot and figure out how to start feeling like myself again).

 

[heavenkisses1985]

@j2019 That may be but she’s also your mom and she probably is a bit biased about what she expects from you and for you. Do you feel like there’s changes you can make in your life for the better?

 

[shatteredparadigm]

@j2019 While you may have had a lovely childhood, one factor might be that statistically our parents’ generation didn’t spend very much time playing with their kids.

You may have been one of the lucky ones but on average - working moms - even compared to stay at home moms hang out with their children way way more time than they used to. Quality time with your kids is so much more key now than any of that other stuff so that could be some of it.

 

[bob]

@j2019 Did you and I have the same parents?!? Similar with my upbringing for sure—no real outside support, mom worked two jobs frequently, dad was involved for sure but my mom carried everything. A few things: my mom was 24 when she had me and so I think had more energy and less experience to stress herself out. We are bombarded constantly with childcare experts telling us we’re damaging our kids if we do this or that and I find that to be a huge constant stressor for me that my parents just didn’t think or worry about. There was also way less pressure to keep our kids engaged and entertained and way less expectations of kids in general. I’ve got my five year old in speech through the school district and private speech in our house and occupational therapy to ensure he’s as ready as possible for kindergarten and he simply has a mild speech delay. No WAY were parents in the 80s-90s even thinking about things like that unless there were significant delays and even then, those were mostly just managed at school. Also, I only work 40 hrs a week, yes, but technology has made work bleed into everything by emails, texts, phone calls and being accessible 24/7 (though my boss is great and doesn’t abuse this but it’s always at the back our minds). And I also realize now that my mom was super depressed and has bad anxiety but this was just pushed under the rug to keep up so it’s not like she was doing this all because she enjoyed it—it was an expectation back then to do it all and do it with a smile!

 

[claysmithr]

@bob That "always in the back of your mind" niggle that makes you check your work email on your phone because what if someone needs something and I don't want to look like a slacker. Plus the dopamine rush of being "helpful". Getting a separate work phone was the best thing I ever did.

 

[junobet]

@j2019 How old is your kid? You get used to it. If your kid is under 1 year, you just haven't found your stride yet. Are you taking any time for yourself and doing things that feel good and refresh your energy?

My favorite working mom tool I'm always talking about in this sub-- my walking pad! I walk while I work at home and feel so much less tired at the end of the day. Suddenly I don't mind long boring video meetings-- I just walk during them.

 

[j2019]

@junobet I really want to but I have no clue when to take this time. I was very much into fitness until I had my son now there is no time left in my day to.

 

[guitarcrazyo]

@j2019 My mother always said that it was boring back then that’s why she cleaned up so much She said if she had half the fun distractions we have then the house would have been a MESS

 

[erin81]

@j2019 Just a thought, maybe talk to your doc. I felt this way for years and then I fell off the cliff and got on some anti anxiety/depression meds. I feel light years better…my house has not been this clean in years and I’m so much more energetic.

 

[evan33]

@erin81 Even have your thyroid checked if you haven’t!

 

[j2019]

@erin81 It’s so weird because my anxiety has been at an all time low to basically non existent. I feel zero anxiety compared to before I became a mom. Now my symptoms are all showing up in physical exhaustion.

 

[nateprazuch]

@j2019 That might be depression then. The exhaustion. Opposite of anxiety. it can show up as physical exhaustion without you even knowing it.

 

[j2019]

@nateprazuch This could be part of it. I’ve never personally dealt with it before so I don’t know the symptoms to look out for. I always thought it was more of a thoughts/brain/ internal dialogue thing and I don’t feel I’m struggling there at all but my body and eyes present as someone really struggling.

 

[greatestace]

@j2019 I don't have the same energy level as my mother has. She's RN as well, and my father did nothing but cook on the big occasion (4? 5? times a year). Plus she got my grandmother's apartment deep cleaned at least 4 times a year, and by the deep cleaned I mean walls and ceilings freshly painted, all the cabinets wiped inside and outside, cleaned what was stored inside, and all the carpets are also washed. in summer time she spent every weekend working on my other grandmother's "farm", doing all possible manual labor.

I'd die from that quantity of work, really. Zero self care time. No friends (my father slowly but firmly pushed away one after another), no support at all. I feel really sorry for her. Now - whatever I share - she turns into "I struggled way more!". She's obviously traumatized and keeps normalizing it. I think we're very lucky we have not been chewed up by the same life circumstances.

 

[scottinvt]

@j2019 I would like to point out that nursing 30 years ago doesn't compare to nursing today. Patient care was simpler - fewer medicines, fewer comorbidities, no EHR, less individualization of care, less frequent monitoring of patient satisfaction metrics, etc. - when she was actively parenting young kids.

 

[kdhogue]

@j2019 I think part of it is that we are all experiencing things like burnout, high cortisol levels, malnutrition, and lack of exercise. We live in a hellscape under late stage capitalism and are in constant states of stress. We have to actively work to not be in this state. It’s exhausting and frustrating.

 

[katrina2017]

@j2019 I 10000% agree with the person who brought up overstimulation and constant information and instant gratification. Obviously not a popular thing to say on a social media app, but it’s a 180 in terms of my energy levels on the days I’m on my phone a ton vs the days I have only 30 min of non work screen time.

But I think another difference is we have so much lifestyle creep compared to back then. My family was very similar to yours OP (my mom worked 4-7 days a week with 12 hour nursing shifts, my dad worked 2 full time nursing jobs). Additionally my mom was taking care of her aging/dementia parents from when I was 0-16. But I felt like they were very present parents, the house was spotless, and we had home cooked meals every day too.

But also, they didn’t have social media worrying them about all the ways they’re parenting wrong and causing anxiety. They could just focus on doing what they think is best without the noise (of course family or friends can be judgey still, but that’s way different from thousands of random opinions). Us kids had chores/responsibilities around the house, like our parents weren’t pushing us to be “the best” at X and supplementing that with extracurricular and whatnot, like a lot of families do today, so we were home a lot to help take care of things. And we ate a ton of leftovers vs today it feels like most people are cooking new things every night because they hate leftovers and wondering why they’re tired.

With all that said, life is so different now and I wouldn’t necessarily compare her to you because you ARE parenting in a much harder “mode”. But I would also try to encourage you to try a week of cutting your phone time in half and see if it affects how you feel!