He do you cope with not seeing your kid every day due to time sharing? Missing my 3 year old a lot on days she’s with Mom

[juxpin]

How*

 

[kaosthemushroom]

@juxpin On the days you aren't already doing something for yourself, maybe use it to plan or build a project or outing for when you do have your little one. For instance I've used my days w/o the kiddos to cut, dry fit, and pre-drill an outdoor bench so they could help me build it when they are here. I also pick up supplies and get things organized for art/science projects into little kits so they can pick an activity and everything we need is ready to go.

It helps me do things for the kids when they aren't physically here and also maximize the time I do have with them. Because we're able to do so much with 1/2 the time, they still get a healthy dose of all the daily menial tasks like shopping, laundry, dishes, chores, etc. and I never feel the need to step in and do things for them because I know we won't be pressed for time on the fun stuff.

I also work a lot of OT or trade hours while the kids are at their Mom's to get ahead on my work.

 

[sctony]

@juxpin Man, ive been downgraded to 4 days a month for over a year now. My son is now 3.5. I used to cope by keeping myself busy but that no longer works. Now i just stay depressed. It doesn't seem to get better.

 

[katrina2017]

@sctony 4 days a month is way too little. Why is it set up this way?

 

[orbiter54321]

@juxpin I try and use that time to make plans with friends and keep myself distracted.

 

[sigon]

@juxpin Even though I don't know exactly what you're going through or feeling, I do know what it's like to go from seeing and being with my children (father of three) every day to getting to see them less than half of every year. I know there are many cases of abuse where distance and limitation on possession is warranted and healthy, but for many of us, and our children, it is a tragic and terrible situation. I just wanted to say that because it's helped me to know that there are others who know what it's like to live in the dark, deafening silence and loneliness that comes from losing time with your kids. Saying goodbye to my daughters (9, 7, and 3) still breaks my heart a bit, even after almost two years. I'm right here with you, as are many others.

That being said, I believe that we aren't doomed to a second-rate, miserable existence. For me, the things that have helped the most are have been:

1. Make your personal health and growth your top priority, especially in times when the kids aren't with you. What do you need to do to take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? Look at the change as an opportunity for investment in yourself, starting with those areas that you might've neglected or let get rusty.
2. Connect with others. Make new friends, rekindle old friendships, call family and friends. In addition to this, I've found that regularly meeting with a therapist and participating in group therapy and men's groups has been positively life-changing. Acknowledging that being separated from your child is a traumatic experience, and getting professional help to guide you through the healing process, can be very beneficial.
3. Journal. For me, this has been an important part of coping because it: a) gets me out of my own head - I can see my thoughts and feelings more clearly for what they are; b) gives me a base from which to show myself empathy and support (we are often pretty harsh with ourselves, especially when we're lonely); and c) provides me with a way to organize and analyze my experience productively.
4. Practice mindfulness. This has been a lot more challenging for me than I thought it would be, but has helped a lot, because it grounds me in the present and keeps me from going down dark roads (catastrophizing, fortune telling, magnifying the negative) toward hopelessness.

As a dad to a three year-old daughter, I have spent many sleepless nights missing her and my other daughters. Wondering: "what's going to happen to my relationship with her? Does she know I love her? Will she ever know how much I miss her and how sorry I am that we can't be with each other every day? Will she forget me?" I don't know the future, but I do know this: you are not replaceable; you are and will forever be Daddy to her. The more you work on yourself and become the best version of yourself you can be, the better you will be able to take care of and love her. Hang in there.

 

[tinitalorene]

@sigon Great piece of advice right here.

 

[ralmocec]

@juxpin Lay in bed (never get to do this when she's around) and look at pictures and videos of her. Or lots of video calls while she's at dads. It's difficult but try to enjoy the down time.

 

[parkermargarita]

@juxpin Do you have access to your kid on mom’s days? Everyone is always confused when I ask that. But whenever I’m missing mine during the 50% of the time they’re away, it’s nothing for me to swing by their mom’s and say hi or get a quick hug, or run them to McDonald’s or to Walmart to help with my errands, or whatever.

I know some co-parents can’t do that logistically. The drive is too far, they work weird hours, whatever.

But is that something that possible for you? Most people never consider that or never even try to facilitate it with the other parent. I dunno why.

 

[bobgunn]

@juxpin Getting into fitness has really helped me on my off days! It’s good for you physically and mentally.

 

[nondchristian]

@juxpin I’m sorry to say but I’m 10 years in and it hasn’t gotten any easier. I just cherish my weeks with my son.

 

[katiejean]

@juxpin The pain is still there. You just ignore it but never become numb to it.

Yesterday was my birthday and I was not allowed to call my boys or speak to them even though phone access is in the modified orders.

It hurts but you have to remember that they will grow up someday and make their own choices.

Be the best parent you can with the time you have and NEVER trash talk the other parent in front of them no matter how mean and vindictive they are to you.

 

[freesaint]

@juxpin I kept trying to find something almost anything and everything possible to stay busy when I don’t have my daughter but I still get depressed. And it doesn’t help that I sing get updates on how she’s doing because there’s a protective order in place and everything me and the ex talk about is through talking parents.