Grief at giving away baby stuff

[jonnathing]

Hi Community! We just gave away all of the best of our gear from about 0 to 2 years. It couldn’t have gone to a better home; we gave it to the person who saved our sanity by being an amazing nanny and friend in the beginning of Covid lockdown. But I’m feeling an overwhelming grief at settling into acceptance of being one and done.

Like many people here, my spouse and I planned on having 2 kids. It took us three years and three pregnancies to have a birth. My pregnancy was brutal, then had a failed induction with a C-section and I have been struggling with health problems ever since (my kid is 4). I had chronic illnesses prior to the pregnancy. Several of them got worse during and after and I have developed a few new ones since then. I’ve had 2 other immobilizing surgeries, about 4 or 5 procedures in the last 3 years and I’m evaluating when I’m going to do the next surgeries that are needed.

There have been very few moments in the last 5 years where it has been remotely conceivable to even consider taking on more responsibility through another attempt at pregnancy or adoption. Having two parents work full-time and manage my chronic illnesses is more than a full plate with a preschooler. Layering in the absence of a village and reliable childcare with the pandemic the last two years, I cannot even conceive of feeling like I could consider doing more. I am exhausted, burned out, and struggling to improve my health.

The truth is I know I’m going to regret either decision. If we had another kid, it would definitely be more than we could handle with my health issues. But I know I’m going to regret not having another and the window of opportunity is closing due to age.

I have always lived my life determined to find a way to achieve my highest priority goals despite any obstacles. It really feels like I’m admitting defeat by not even trying for what I want (but know we can’t handle). My spouse says that this is just a mature thing to do; to respect our limits, preserve our family wellbeing, and do what we can to take care of the wonderful family that we have. I don’t disagree, but I’m still sitting here so sad at the reality that there isn’t going to be another baby. And our kid is going to keep asking for one like she has been for the last year plus, twisting the knife.

I know that many people here are one and done because that’s what they really want for their family, others are here due to infertility, while others are probably more like me quitting while they’re ahead. For those of you who want more children than you can have or think you can handle, how do you make peace with the grief?

 

[cmq8775]

@jonnathing Oh friend! Right there with you.

I had a friend reach out to me a few years ago. Her friends were in the process of adopting a baby who had spent his first full year of life in the hospital. He was ready to come home to his new family. My friend had asked if we had anything to donate. I was excited to be able to pass my son's things to a couple who really needed it and would love and cherish it as much as we did.

Holy moly. Giving my son's things away, I truly couldn't remember when I had cried so hard. It was so difficult!

We saved some special things like stuffed animals, outfits, and a few toys.

Good luck!

 

[yong]

@jonnathing I have and will have one kid. Now that she’s 14 months, I’m increasingly aware of the “only” moments I’ll have. Like, “this is the only crawling-baby stage I’ll have, I should pay attention!” I mentioned some pangs of sadness I had about that, especially around other peoples’ pregnancies, to my mother—who had four pregnancies (that i know of) and two kids—and she said no matter how many pregnancies you have that feeling exists. It’s closing one door and opening another, no matter what. That helps me to think about.

 

[diane0143]

@jonnathing It’s hard. At I try to remind myself that I am so lucky to have my son, as I had him later in life and could have completely missed the window. I met my partner in the “seventh inning stretch” of my fertile life, as one of my doctors put it. I also try to actively think of all the good things about it (more money to support my son, more time, it’s easier in a lot of ways, etc).

The way I see it not everyone gets to choose their perfect family size. To me that’s a very privileged world view. I’m already more privileged than so many people in the world so I really try to be thankful and mindful of that. My son was a dream come true for me and in a way, feeling sad about not having more darkens what is a really amazing, positive thing in my life. So I try my best not to dwell on it.

 

[katrina2017]

@jonnathing It's one thing to make a deliberate choice to be OAD. It's another thing altogether to have that choice made for you by circumstances that are completely out of your control.

For me, it took about a year of therapy to work through my grief. I also started an antidepressant during that time, which I still take. I realized that my son was going to be harmed in the long run if I couldn't manage my emotions. I didn't want him to grow up wondering why mom was so unhappy, or why he wasn't enough for me. I still have moments of sadness, but they are brief and mild now, compared to days on end of crying.

Spending time following pro-only child forums like this has helped me see and embrace some of the wonderful things about having an only. But you need to allow yourself to feel what you feel. Your feelings are valid and real. Focusing on the positives of having an only doesn't erase the loss of a child you desperately want.

 

[aydria]

@jonnathing I’m right there with you. I was kind of on the fence about being one and done for awhile but overall I think having one child is what’s best for our family. It still hurts when I think about how few moments I have left with my son being little, even though it was a fully conscious decision.