Grief at giving away baby stuff

[jonnathing]

Hi Community! We just gave away all of the best of our gear from about 0 to 2 years. It couldn’t have gone to a better home; we gave it to the person who saved our sanity by being an amazing nanny and friend in the beginning of Covid lockdown. But I’m feeling an overwhelming grief at settling into acceptance of being one and done.

Like many people here, my spouse and I planned on having 2 kids. It took us three years and three pregnancies to have a birth. My pregnancy was brutal, then had a failed induction with a C-section and I have been struggling with health problems ever since (my kid is 4). I had chronic illnesses prior to the pregnancy. Several of them got worse during and after and I have developed a few new ones since then. I’ve had 2 other immobilizing surgeries, about 4 or 5 procedures in the last 3 years and I’m evaluating when I’m going to do the next surgeries that are needed.

There have been very few moments in the last 5 years where it has been remotely conceivable to even consider taking on more responsibility through another attempt at pregnancy or adoption. Having two parents work full-time and manage my chronic illnesses is more than a full plate with a preschooler. Layering in the absence of a village and reliable childcare with the pandemic the last two years, I cannot even conceive of feeling like I could consider doing more. I am exhausted, burned out, and struggling to improve my health.

The truth is I know I’m going to regret either decision. If we had another kid, it would definitely be more than we could handle with my health issues. But I know I’m going to regret not having another and the window of opportunity is closing due to age.

I have always lived my life determined to find a way to achieve my highest priority goals despite any obstacles. It really feels like I’m admitting defeat by not even trying for what I want (but know we can’t handle). My spouse says that this is just a mature thing to do; to respect our limits, preserve our family wellbeing, and do what we can to take care of the wonderful family that we have. I don’t disagree, but I’m still sitting here so sad at the reality that there isn’t going to be another baby. And our kid is going to keep asking for one like she has been for the last year plus, twisting the knife.

I know that many people here are one and done because that’s what they really want for their family, others are here due to infertility, while others are probably more like me quitting while they’re ahead. For those of you who want more children than you can have or think you can handle, how do you make peace with the grief?

 

[cmq8775]

@jonnathing Oh friend! Right there with you.

I had a friend reach out to me a few years ago. Her friends were in the process of adopting a baby who had spent his first full year of life in the hospital. He was ready to come home to his new family. My friend had asked if we had anything to donate. I was excited to be able to pass my son's things to a couple who really needed it and would love and cherish it as much as we did.

Holy moly. Giving my son's things away, I truly couldn't remember when I had cried so hard. It was so difficult!

We saved some special things like stuffed animals, outfits, and a few toys.

Good luck!

 

[yong]

@jonnathing I have and will have one kid. Now that she’s 14 months, I’m increasingly aware of the “only” moments I’ll have. Like, “this is the only crawling-baby stage I’ll have, I should pay attention!” I mentioned some pangs of sadness I had about that, especially around other peoples’ pregnancies, to my mother—who had four pregnancies (that i know of) and two kids—and she said no matter how many pregnancies you have that feeling exists. It’s closing one door and opening another, no matter what. That helps me to think about.

 

[diane0143]

@jonnathing It’s hard. At I try to remind myself that I am so lucky to have my son, as I had him later in life and could have completely missed the window. I met my partner in the “seventh inning stretch” of my fertile life, as one of my doctors put it. I also try to actively think of all the good things about it (more money to support my son, more time, it’s easier in a lot of ways, etc).

The way I see it not everyone gets to choose their perfect family size. To me that’s a very privileged world view. I’m already more privileged than so many people in the world so I really try to be thankful and mindful of that. My son was a dream come true for me and in a way, feeling sad about not having more darkens what is a really amazing, positive thing in my life. So I try my best not to dwell on it.

 

[katrina2017]

@jonnathing It's one thing to make a deliberate choice to be OAD. It's another thing altogether to have that choice made for you by circumstances that are completely out of your control.

For me, it took about a year of therapy to work through my grief. I also started an antidepressant during that time, which I still take. I realized that my son was going to be harmed in the long run if I couldn't manage my emotions. I didn't want him to grow up wondering why mom was so unhappy, or why he wasn't enough for me. I still have moments of sadness, but they are brief and mild now, compared to days on end of crying.

Spending time following pro-only child forums like this has helped me see and embrace some of the wonderful things about having an only. But you need to allow yourself to feel what you feel. Your feelings are valid and real. Focusing on the positives of having an only doesn't erase the loss of a child you desperately want.

 

[aydria]

@jonnathing I’m right there with you. I was kind of on the fence about being one and done for awhile but overall I think having one child is what’s best for our family. It still hurts when I think about how few moments I have left with my son being little, even though it was a fully conscious decision.

 

[katrina2017]

@jonnathing No advice sorry because I’m feeling exactly the same if that helps! my daughter will be 3 in a couple of weeks, and we’ve 99.9% sure made the decision to be OAD. We are moving cities in a few months and I’m absolutely dreading going through all of her baby clothes and gear to sell / give away (I feel teary just writing this!). It just feels so… final.

I don’t have health issues as such, but my mental health has been a massive struggle for me over the last few years. I just don’t think I have the energy and patience for another, and time is not on my side either with my age. Like you say, I know I’m going to regret either decision too. But I would rather regret the decision to be one and done rather than regret having another baby. I love our life with our beautiful girl so I’m just going to try to focus on giving her the best life possible

 

[fullcircle]

@jonnathing I understand how you feel and I’m so sorry! I have a chronic illness too and while I technically could have a second, I know it’s not the right choice. It’s not the only reason for our choice to be OAD but it plays a huge role. But still, it’s enough to make me doubt myself. There are times when I feel so much grief and anger that things turned out this way. But I also have days where I remind myself of all the positives about having only one and I get really excited!
But I think what helps me the most is reminding myself that having another would likely make my daughter’s life harder and I definitely wouldn’t have enough to give to that second kid. I wouldn’t be a good mom. I already feel like I’m failing most of the time and I so badly want to give my daughter the best possible life…

 

[magdelope]

@jonnathing First off, I’m sorry you’ve gone through all of that - that sounds so challenging and difficult. As to your question about how I make peace, I’m sad about it a lot. I know that OAD is the right choice for us but that doesn’t make it any less of a hard choice. I definitely try to focus on all the positives. I remind myself that the wonderful, happy, functional little family unit that I have now is worth protecting and prioritizing, and another baby could seriously upend that. I remind myself that my incredible husband would not be able to be his best self if we had another baby. That I wouldn’t be able to be the wife and mother that I am because I would be trying so hard to lessen the impact of the new baby on both my husband and my son. When I’m feeling really sad about it I also remind myself that one of the big reasons we’ve decided to be OAD is because of the environment so only having one child is a sacrifice we are making to reduce our carbon footprint. And that sacrifices are not usually easy but they are often worth it.

So. I don’t have an easy answer. I talk about it when I’m sad. I come on to this sub to feel less alone.

This is kind of rambling so apologies for that! Im more than happy to chat again OP should you ever want to reach out.

 

[lovedaisies]

@jonnathing It sounds like you’re making the best decision for the well-being of you and your family. I don’t think you’re admitting defeat, I think you are making the wisest choice under the circumstances. It’s also 100% valid for you to feel sad about this choice. You might find it helpful to speak to someone to help you process, like a therapist or a family friend.

 

[troylee]

@jonnathing I completely resonate with this. Even the thought of giving away my son’s baby stuff brings a lump to my throat. He’s 2.75yo, we still have most stuff. I had medical issues as well (though not a history prior to pregnancy like you), if I can conceive again I will be high risk pregnancy and the whole experience will look very different than before. I struggle bc I don’t want to disrupt my son’s life by taking that risk. But sometimes my heart aches for another baby and I feel so much grief around having such shitty choices, like my decision to be OAD is sorta made FOR me in a way. I’m just sending you a hug, the grief is so painful, so sad and so layered.