Family making inappropriate comments about my baby

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obedientsacrifice

New member
Family makes inappropriate comments about my baby

So my family has always had a sense of humor that hasn’t really matched mine, and have always made some (in my mind) inappropriate comments. For instance I’ve always been petite with a larger butt and when I was probably as early as 9 they would call me J-Lo Booty and say I had “more cushion for the pushin.” In hindsight those were probably not age appropriate. I was always confused because I was young and a late bloomer who didn’t understand what those meant and they made it sound like it was a bad thing but also good in a weird way. I got mixed messages with how I was supposed to take those comments. I would cry because I was being teased but then told not to cry that it was a good thing.

Anyways it looks like they’re on the same route with my 11 month old daughter. When she was 6 months, my baby was in just a diaper and my mom pointed at her in the mirror while holding her and said “who is that sexy baby?!” I snapped at her and told her that she’s a baby and not to call her sexy or to sexualize my daughter. Babies are cute but they are in no way sexy. I was super uncomfortable with that.

Today my sister was teasing about how my daughter was sitting and said that it was reminding her of one of the dance moves in Cardi B’s WAP music video. She tried playing the song and I told her to stop it.
They’ve also made jokes about her baby wiggles as twerking in the past. I told my sister not to say inappropriate things comparing something viewed as sexual to what my daughter was doing, and she was annoyed and her whole mood changed after that for the rest of the night to bitchy and stand-offish.

I know they’re just joking but as a new mom I’m super uncomfortable with it and everyone rolls their eyes and says I’m too sensitive. When I was younger I was sexually assaulted in high school and also finding uncomfortable situations because I was not taught how to handle them. I’m afraid that these mixed messages and inappropriate comments will continue and impact her as she gets older.

Anyway, am I overreacting? How should I handle this?
 
@obedientsacrifice I would shut this down. You mentioned how terribly it affected you, which was completely understandable. This could also be the experience your daughter has. It’s your job to protect her from that. Also, if you let it continue, you would teach her that these comments are okay.

Be very frank with them. Tell them this language is unacceptable. Tell them you consider it as bad as swearing in front of the baby and if they continue, then they won’t get to see the baby.

You’re a great mom for recognizing this is potentially harmful and taking steps to stop it.
 
@snailchan
then they won't get to see the baby.
Click to expand...

Some would view this as extreme, but not me. I have had to had this internal discussion about shutting down inappropriate comments. And if anyone in my family can't evolve to the rising standards of respect, or at the very least, respect my own request for it to stop... then I'll consider them a negative influence and I'll give them time away from my daughter to reconsider their behavior and the example they're setting.
 
@mamak JFC - I’m all for dark, offensive humor... but that’s not even close to funny in any way. And I’m a first-time father here, hoping my little girl grows up in a vastly more equal word than what it historically has been.

I was changing my daughter (maybe 4 or 5 months at the time) and pulling off her soiled onesie. My father, who tries to use the same dry/absurdist humor that I usually lean on, decides to mockingly say, “Show your tits!” The goddamn daggers I shot him... and reasoned, “Would you EVER say that to your (currently) 13 year old granddaughter? No? Then don’t say it to this one either!” And just a whole tirade of not objectifying women, not sexualizing an infant, and letting some fucking jokes go unspoken. He is not as progressive in his attitudes as he thinks he is. But the next time something like that happens, he will have time to himself to figure his shit out.
 
@chantellel We have a son but I still want to protect him from all the Messed up things grownups have to say.
I kept correcting his awful jokes and was accused of being too sensitive or not fun.

I am glad you stood up to your Dad, I just don’t know what some people are thinking. Stop normalizing dirty jokes towards kids or infants.

Not everything has to be a sexual joke ppl just don’t get it. Not everything is a “ that’s what she said “ joke. And you hit the nail right on the head with letting some jokes go unspoken
 
@snailchan Yeah, there’s no way this is an overreaction. Your experience is proof/-you experienced exactly this, and it caused problems for you.

They play by your rules or they don’t access the child. Full stop.
 
@obedientsacrifice You are NOT overreacting, this is exactly the mindset that makes the world such a dangerous place for women and children. They may not mean anything by it, but this attitude is what makes predators think that children could ever possibly consent to anything sexual. Stand your ground.
 
@moonflower82 It also grooms the child. From a young age she's told she's sexy. Everything she does, even existing, is sexy. So when a predator tells her she's sexy she thinks "of course I am. That's what grandma says too." And sexy people who do sexy things have sex. If she's uncomfortable with the abuse it's not her abuser's fault but her own because of the sexual being that she is. She wouldn't be able to articulate this, much less complain to her mother that there was something wrong with her for not liking the sexual abuse going on.

People like OP's family need to realise how damaging normalizing child sexuality like that can be.

But also, Christ. She's going to spend her teen life and upwards being told that she's sexy and that you must be sexy to have a place in this society. She's not even one year old and she's already not allowed to not be sexy. Sometimes we don't want to be sexy. Sometimes we want to be a doctor. Or to massage our breasts because we're on our period and sore or eat a hot dog because we're hungry. Women and girls deserve the right to go about our business without having our looks and activities being constantly rated for potential boner appeal.
 
@obedientsacrifice Wholly shit that's not okay. I can't offer anything other then what's already being said EXCEPT:

Teach your daughter consent. I started early with my little girl. Was fairly easy with tickles. Every few tickles I'd say "Stop!" and stop tickling. Wait a few seconds then "tickle!" and start up again. Wasn't too long before she started to pick up the pattern and would tell me when she was done being tickled. She loved/s the anticipation, and she's finally gotten the idea that she can say "no" or "stop" and it'll be respected (most of the time. She's only two and sometimes mommy has to veto -_-)

Teach her that she doesn't have to hug if she doesn't want to (which gets hard to stick to), and that a high5 or fist bump are perfectly acceptable alternatives.

Sounds like you want to look out for her as best as you can, and you're doing great.
 
@mariamiria In my family, we offer hand hugs, where two people each raise the same hand place the palms together, then wrap their thumbs around the other person’s hand as if it were arms encircling the other person’s body in a real hug. We also do the same motion from a distance instead of waving goodbye if someone is already in their car seat, etc.

We do it just for fun and the kiddos love it, but I have one teenage nephew that really doesn’t like hugging and he particularly appreciates having this alternative to offer when someone asks him for a hug. He just says, “hand hug” and raises his hand to initiate.
 
@mariamiria I hate when people try to force their kid to give hugs. My niece really hated it when she was a kid and my SIL would always tell her she had to and “you don’t you love (person)?” But then I started to say “hey we don’t have to hug, did you want to do a high five?” Pretty soon the rest of the family started to do the same when they saw she would be excited about giving high fives instead of fighting about getting a hug.
 
@mariamiria That’s brilliant. Everyone knows now not to force your kid to hug grandparents or whoever if she doesn’t want to. But an exercise like this really actively teaches consent.
 
@obedientsacrifice No i feel you! my husbands family has that type of humor as well and once when i was changing my sons diaper my brother in law took a picture of his penis and sent it to our family whatsapp group. i was so mad tbh ! and he would tell me to keep him without a diaper for like 10 minutes to breathe.. like he cared too much about his penis its my damn child like tf!!! I say respectfully communicate that you do not feel comfortable with these kind of comments and don’t try to sound angry about it the first few times. if it still persists then they will get an angry mama and let them know hey u need to respect my beliefs!
 
@wisconsinpat he was excited about his circumcision .. my husbands family is just weird like that my husband had my son naked as his lock screen for a few days until i told him to remove it.
 
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