Family making inappropriate comments about my baby

[dholloway7]

@obedientsacrifice I think new moms are in general more sensitive just because we've suddenly had our world turned upside down by our fresh littlr human being. I also think it's the best time to lay down the law with out-of-line family members and just be the "mother tiger" that nature (and the hormones) intended us to be. If it's something that makes you uncomfortable, then you have every right to speak up for your baby and explain your reasoning. If they don't like it and say you're being oversensitive, welp, they can just very well not be around you or baby. Kudos to you.

 

[ellisonbrowny]

@obedientsacrifice To add to the good advice already in here: One way to confront inappropriate humor is:
1) Don’t laugh.
2) Say “I don’t get it. Could you explain what you mean?” And follow up with “I don’t understand how that’s funny.”

Make them say in words “A six month old baby in a diaper makes me think of a dance move from Wet Ass Pussy.” They’ll probably be cold, but there’s no strategy that’ll convince them they’re wrong AND preserve their mood. You’ll have called them out for being shitty, and a good number of people don’t have the emotional intelligence to not just project that right back at you. But it will make it less fun for them to crack those jokes around you.

 

[a2prosper86]

@obedientsacrifice When it comes to humour not everyone's matches, and normally that's something we all just have to live with. But I would say this isn't so much humour, as objectification, and in a way that you have every right to shut right the fuck down. If anyone sexualized my baby, I'd likewise step in and explain why babies aren't to be sexualized, and walkthrough the potential impacts of body image and identity. It isn't complicated, so of they are truly your loving family, they'll listen and comply. Otherwise, bye bye visiting.

 

[bnactor]

@obedientsacrifice Intended or not, this grooms the child to perceive this type of behavior as normal.

Also, if anyone made a comment like that towards my child, I would never let them be alone in a room with them.

 

[avm]

@obedientsacrifice Tell them off. Anyone says anything like that, family or otherwise, I'm telling them if they want to see my daughter ever again they'll cut the shit. If it makes you uncomfortable and they love you they should respect your wishes. Calling a baby "sexy" is trashy and borders on pedo shit. Not gonna allow it. From anyone.

 

[turtleroxz]

@obedientsacrifice This is deeply harmful behaviour and you are totally right to be uncomfortable. Some psychologists would define it as a form of sexual abuse. You need to shut it down and refuse contact if it continues. Seriously not worth it with the harm it can cause long term.

 

[f8th60]

@turtleroxz That kind of talk would absolutely be sexual harassment in the workplace so it isn't a leap to map that to a child. If it's sexual harassment in adults it probably falls into abuse territory for kids.

 

[sirsteve]

@obedientsacrifice I think you’re actually doing a great job of shutting this down on your own! If I had to advise you I’d recommend saying something quite similar to that. (Something else you could try is ‘pretend to not understand’: just asking genuinely confused what they mean by that. Usually that makes it stop pretty soon because nothing is more unfunny than explaining a joke. But I think it’s good to send a stronger message than that if you want to shut it down for the future as well.)

The thing is, you can’t shut these jokes down and keep up the good spirits at the same time. It sounds like this is a habit deeply ingrained in your family. For frame of reference, I’m no prude and I enjoy joking like this with my husband, but I find the examples you mentioned pretty appalling. I wouldn’t let this go either. But your family isn’t going to like that. That’s something you’re going to have to accept. They’re going to label you a prude, well let them. If you do this a couple more times they’ll probably get the message.

You could also try to address it separately in a phonecall, that you’ve noticed that they make sexual innuendos about a baby, and that you think it’s inappropriate to do that about a child. You’re never going to be okay with it and please don’t do it again. I probably wouldn’t bring your own experiences into it but that depends on your relationship with your family obviously.

The nuclear option is just to ask if they’re pedos but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend that .

Good luck! You’re a good mom that you’re doing this.

 

[kobedelite]

@obedientsacrifice I feel this.

My mother in law crosses boundaries every minute.
My sons penis is not circumcised but the foreskin doesn’t completely cover the tip so it looks like he’s half circumcised.

Every time I change my baby’s diaper she comments about how he has a “big penis” and the “girls will love it” when he’s older bc it “looks” circumcised.

Ughhhh. Can you imagine if it was a baby girl and grandpa came over and said “ohh look at that vagina...the boys will love it when she’s older”

It’s so gross.

 

[will4peace]

@kobedelite Ummm wtf??? I would absolutely shut that down immediately and go to a different room to change him from now on. That’s disgusting

 

[katrina2017]

@obedientsacrifice Stand your ground. Practice doing this now, because as the mother of a teen girl...this will continue to happen...with family, strangers, friends. If you continue to very clearly tell people to STOP, she will be able to do it for herself one day. And in our world, the chances of her having to do it herself one day are high. This is grooming behavior...even if they don’t realize it, or don’t have bad intentions, it is completely inappropriate and they should know that it is.

You’re awesome, you’re doing an awesome job mama.

 

[homeforhealth]

@obedientsacrifice Yeah, fuck that! You are not overreacting at all. Shut it down

 

[zacopenshaw]

@obedientsacrifice Reading this thread I realise people are pretty angry about these jokes and I’m in the minority, but calling for no contact over something like this is so so unbelievably over the top and damaging.

But yes, talk to them and tell them because of what happened to you (you shouldn’t need to cite this, but it will help) you feel really uncomfortable with any jokes like that. Be careful putting their backs up, make it clear you know their intentions are good, you just don’t like it and will really appreciate it when they stop.

 

[sneakersupplier]

@zacopenshaw I wouldn’t tie this behavior to what happened to OP. She said that the family thought she was over sensitive about this type of comment as a child, so I worry that bringing that up will just make them be like oh yeah, classic OP, she could never take a joke, could she! The comments are inappropriate on their own merit- no need to call out her own experience.

 

[katrina2017]

@zacopenshaw I don’t think you should be getting downvoted because you are correct that “no contact” should not be the primary option, nor is it necessary to start. Ending contact each time this happens is appropriate and will condition them to expect no contact if they cannot behave.

 

[seattleite]

@zacopenshaw You’re right. In real life, these people probably care about OP’s kid and just haven’t really thought about what they’re doing. No contact is extreme and I’m pretty sure OP wouldn’t do it anyway. The way to handle it is to gently have the conversation one at a time. You won’t get anywhere by making a scene and putting them on the defense. Unless they’re truly stubborn, gently correcting them each time it comes up or having a very gentle conversation should do the trick. People get embarrassed when you point out stuff like this, the more embarrassed they are the less likely they’ll comply and it’ll just get awkward as hell

 

[obedientsacrifice]

@seattleite I know they love my daughter but they just don’t really think about what they say (ironic because my sister is actually a psychologist and here she is comparing her niece dancing to the WAP dancers). I wouldn’t cut contact completely, but I am uncomfortable with leaving her alone with certain family members (for other reasons- smoking/not listening to rules). I don’t want to deny my child a relationship unless it’s to protect them.

 

[tyler52]

@obedientsacrifice You're the normal one and your family are the weird ones here. You are not overreacting.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this nonsense.

 

[beauharnais]

@obedientsacrifice your family just have a weird sense of humor. im sure it’s hard as you’ve just entered motherhood with all the lack of sleep and hormones going crazy. your fam need some empathy and a HR class

 

[dippsydoodle1]

@obedientsacrifice Ughhh this is terrible. I was “athletically built” and got teased by my older sisters (6&8 years older) for having a butt at 8 (they hate it now that we are 32-40!), but it sucked as a kid not “looking like” my stick figure big sisters. Knowing that there’s a good chance my daughter (infant) could follow in my athletic footsteps and will likely have an athletic lower build, I’ve already started to prepare her by buying dolls & toys that make athleticism normalized. What’s up Canadian hockey Barbie?! Yeah you’ll sit in the closet for 5 years but you’ll go great with the gymnastics Barbie I bought last year. I strive to use body image as teachable moments in her future with awesome role models rather than diving into the narrative that I know naturally falls into a little girls life.