Does it ever get better?

L

littlemarlo

New member
I’m a single mom of a 9 month old and I’ve been alone since before I had my daughter. I love her so so so much and I’d do anything for her but it’s so hard. I have no family except my sister I see once a week for a few hours, all my friends live in different states and the father is just a stressor who threatens to harm us or tries to hold money over our heads so I’ve just completely blocked him out. I’m a full time student for computer science, I work doordash when I can with my daughter and I have my own housekeeping business I started up and I feel like I never have a break. She doesn’t sleep through the night and is awake constantly, I have been living in a constant state of sleep deprivation for 9 months. I feel like I’m losing it. I’m trying so hard to hang in there, I’m in therapy once a week, she says I’m doing great but I’m so stressed about trying to make sure the bills are paid, my daughter is eating balanced meals, the house is clean, and that I spend as much time with her as I can. I feel guilty because being a single mom, I have to cook and clean A LOT and it takes up so much time I know she wants to spend with me but I have to feed her… I’m worried she’s going to grow up to hate me because I can’t give her 100% of my attention all the time. She’s a happy baby and I try to get out of the house to do stuff but it’s exhausting and I haven’t had a break or a day to myself since I’ve had her and it’s disheartening seeing my other mom friends on fb get to have a date night , or go to concert while they have a babysitter or their parents watch the kids, and I just wanna know if this ever gets easier or better and if I’ll ever have a chance to have even A small hour or two break
 
@littlemarlo It gets better and one day you'll look back at these days and wish you could relive them. You and your daughter will always be very close and share that unique bond of you being her only parent.
 
@littlemarlo It absolutely does get better..mine is in his mid-20s and living on his own now, so Im all the way over on the other side of this. Like, nowadays my knee jerk reaction is....hes awesome, it wasnt too bad, some days rougher than others but hey we made it!

But..if Im really honest with myself, and really think back...there were days when I thought I wasnt going to make it, physically or emotionally...and I was a wreck. Like you, I was alone...and I was in the military, so far from family. I was the only one of my military friends with a kid....once I got pregnant, and then had kiddo, we just couldnt relate to each other on any level and those friendships faded.

Someone from work picked us up from the hospital and dropped us off at my home on their lunchbreak, so I walk in the door with kiddo in my arms and literally said to him, its you and me kid. And...that was that. There were amazingly good times, like watching him grow and develop, how fast it all was happening, how curious he was and how clever he was. And there were downright terrible times...that that time he would not stop crying, everything I tried to do would only make him scream and cry even louder, and I sat outside his bedroom door, both of us in tears..and I guess eventually both of us exhausted ourselves and fell asleep. When I woke up...he was happy again. Like..WTF kid? lol

Working 12hrs days and the sitter telling me how cute it was that he started calling her mommy...yeah, that still bothers me to this day...financials sucked...I was constantly broke, and his needs HAD to be met, so I did without a lot of super basic things... Def started losing my mind for a bit there, cause I didnt go out, see anyone unless it was at work and they were not friendly people, so my only non baby interaction stressed me out too.

I was married for about 4years when he was very young, but he was also military, in a highly deployed unit, so rarely saw him...and then he cheated, we divorced and havnt seen him since... so honestly I dont even think that counts as time off from being a single mom lol cause nothing really changed, I was still alone most of the time, and 100% of his care was up to me.

As he got older, things def got better though. Like he was super aware of how hard things were and how hard I was trying, and really was just so thoughtful about things that I really appreciate. Yeah every so often stress over keeping his room clean, or not waiting til the last second to tell me he needs material to do a class project thats due tomorrow lol but for the most part, he really wanted and did so much to just, be a good kid and really be part of helping create a loving peaceful home by working together as a team since well...like that first day home together, its you and me kid.

And then...boom. Im an empty nester all of a sudden. I get a text that he cooked dinner and wants to bring some over for me, and we meet up for happy hour once a week to chill and catch up, and hes always cracking me up with silly memes and gifs, or texting to tell me how annoying the people at work are lol and its like...yeah my kid is awesome, its always been this easy. lol And it so has not...its just that...looking back, my perspective on those moments is very different from when I was in the thick of it and couldnt see past the moment I was in. I genuinely did feel like I could not handle it at times.

And also, therapy is a really, really good idea...I didnt start til kiddo was in his toddler years, still in now cause of various stuff, but yeah...fully support taking care of your mental health, cause sometimes, thats all I had to hang onto.

I feel so lucky now, when I see my son and think holy crap...not only did I not lose him in a grocery cart at the supermarket (an actual fear, I was so exhausted for so long there lol), I actually managed to raise a danged cool AF person who is now, like..out there in society responsibly adulting. FML thats insanely cool.

It absolutely definitely gets better.
 
@littlemarlo Yeah definitely! I so wish social media was around back then lol sometimes it helps just to know youre not alone and get some encouragement...

I was raised in a single parent household, and omg my mom reminded me every moment how tough her life is and its all my fault...I still have guilt just for existing and never want to be a burden to anyone.

So yeah, with kiddo I didnt hide when things were rough, just was super upfront I didnt know wtf I was doing, and not remotely perfect so...please bare with me lol And was super clear it wasnt cause of him...reminded him often that he makes all the challenges worth it and love that I get to be his mom.

Like jeez, its my life choices that led me to where I am...meanwhile, hes just trying to live his best life with the situation I roped him into 😂 You've got this 🥰
 
@upitnik Awwwh loved reading your story. I'm in a similar situation but too exhausted right now to write aboht mine. Just wanted say you are an amazing mom. Job well done. I truly hope your able to do all the things for yourself that you weren't able to do all the years you were dedicated to being his mom. You have an amazing son because of all the time, effort and tears you put in it. My daughter is 14 and it's been her and I since she was 2. So trust me I know how hard it is. Everytime you look at your soon you need to pat yourself on the back. Take care!!
 
@littlemarlo Having the infant is literally just time consuming and around the clock learning progress. The single parent or even a Married couple still lacks time from my experience.

I was once a married man with a young baby and toddler then got divorced by my ex-wife. The early months and 1st year old baby is the toughest.
 
@littlemarlo It gets easier! You’re juggling so much right now all while having a baby and not sleeping through the night. You can try lowering your standards for cleaning a bit and try meal prepping to save you time. But even if you don’t, your bond with your baby will not be affected. I’ve been there and my son and I have the most amazing bond. I still struggle with guilt but it’s also helped him play independently. Now he’s 3 and he’ll cook/clean with me. If you’re not able to find someone to watch her once in a while, it’s ok to put her in a stroller and go for a walk while you listen to music/podcast/audiobook to decompress.. or if it’s bad, a few minutes of tv won’t hurt her if you you’re feeling overwhelmed. Hang in there!
 
@djwhalen I have definitely cut back on my standards for cleaning but i still end up having to clean a lot because we need clean dishes to eat on and cook with so it seems if I just let it all pile up it brings more anxiety so I try to stay on top of it as much as I can, but when it comes to like, mopping or vacuuming or cleaning the bathrooms, etc, I’ve definitely gotten more lax on that. Meal prepping is something I TRY to do, but it has proven kind of difficult. I try to cook some of her things for like 2-4 days in advance but I always end up still having to cook something small in between because she gets bored of the same food over and over again and I’m worried she isn’t eating enough :/ I’ve tried so hard to find different ways to cut certain things out to make more time but it seems like I always have an overflowing list of things to do that never ever stops and if I ease up just a little it just becomes that much more overwhelming 😓😓😓
 
@littlemarlo I’ll tell you… it feels like it will be horrible forever. Like it’ll be hard forever and you will want to back pedal everyday into your old life. Then one day, without realizing it, you’re getting the hang of it. I’m a single mom with deceased parents and no relatives around. It’s all me all day. The first six months are difficult. The sleep is the worst. You’re up, you’re down, you’re uncomfortable, it’s stressful. They do eventually start sleeping through the night, sometimes 12 hours at a time. My daughter started sleeping 730 to 7pm every night around the time she hit 1. Just keep pushing through these valleys. It gets better, you get stronger. People don’t talk about it enough but recovering from childbirth for me didn’t happen until around now. My daughter literally just turned 2 a couple days ago. Go easy on yourself, don’t set high expectations for stimulation and entertainment. My daughter and I would play “coupon in a cup” where I literally laid on the floor with her and we put coupons from the mail in a cup. She loved it. Don’t compare and badger yourself because the most important thing to her development right now is your happiness. A happy mom who is finding ways to minimize stress is going to do more for her than 100 trips to the park.
 
@littlemarlo It does and it doesn't. It gets better mostly because you get used to working harder all the time. But also children getting older tends to make things easier but only ONLY if you invest in a lot of effort to get there (teaching independence, teaching good values and patience and discipline).

Nowadays I sleep all night and my daughter is in daycare so I have time to work. And I can get Nannie's every once in a while to go out. But it's still 24-7 about her and no I don't get free time unless I drop one of my plates - to go out I have to forget about laundry or the dishes, or putting stuff away. To have a nice day out I let go of having a nice home but if it accumulates for too long it's hell. So it's a cycle - preparing everything putting it in place so we can mess around a little and start again

You got this!
 
@littlemarlo Single mom with a 15 yr. It gets a little better (imo). The first year is rough and tiring. I’m pretty sure I was delirious the entire first year. The next two were okay. Age 6 to 10 was pretty easy and fun. Age 11-13 was interesting and ages 14-15 were/are just hard. There is no manual. Try not to stress too much (easier said than done, I know). You got this!
 
@littlemarlo When the baby establishes his/her sleep pattern it'll be a bit better. When they start going to school everything gets lighter. But when they get to 6th grade omg I'm losing may marbles 😬 It is hard to make them study and do their projects. Also my kid is entering the awkward teens stage and he is really testing my patience but it's fine cause I am an Asian mom and I'm not scared to give tough love when gentle parenting does not work. Also, I do not hesitate to take his mobile phone and laptop privileges.

Sooo back to your question.. yes it does get better eventually. Can't avoid good days and bad day tho.
 
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