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Cosleeping vs bed sharing for 4 month old
- Thread starter xuanang01
- Start date
regondifan
New member
pistolpd22
New member
@xuanang01 We did a bassinet that literally was right next to me in bed. I could leave one side partially down and she was never more than an arms length away. This definitely helped me sleep better and more. I think she slept well because I was so close. We didn’t move her to her own room until she was 14 months. Good luck!
@xuanang01 I bedshared my son until he was 12 months old, when he got too distracted to sleep with me.
It started out of desperation. I intended to have him sleep in a bedside sleeper (Halo) but he refused to sleep longer than 30 minutes at a time unless he was being held. So I would hold him and, as you would expect, I eventually dozed off and woke just in time to catch him rolling down my body. My husband has a job where he can’t be exhausted. I was still on maternity leave but was only sleeping for like 20 minutes every couple of hours due to nursing and supply issues.
I finally moved into the guest bedroom with our son. I had a queen sized bed with just me and him. I slept lower down on the bed so he was aligned with my head (no chance of rolling over on him). I used one pillow and the blanket was below him. I don’t use any medications or substances that would impair my sleep or wake response and have no health issues that would affect that either.
We slept great! Even though I nursed every 3 hours for that first year, my son slept great and I slept great. So many people I know struggled with sleeping but not us.
I definitely understand the risks but I think co-sleeping/bedsharing is biologically normal and I think it’s ultimately better for the mom & baby. I think the issue with western countries is that we have an excessive number of factors that lead to increased risks.
It started out of desperation. I intended to have him sleep in a bedside sleeper (Halo) but he refused to sleep longer than 30 minutes at a time unless he was being held. So I would hold him and, as you would expect, I eventually dozed off and woke just in time to catch him rolling down my body. My husband has a job where he can’t be exhausted. I was still on maternity leave but was only sleeping for like 20 minutes every couple of hours due to nursing and supply issues.
I finally moved into the guest bedroom with our son. I had a queen sized bed with just me and him. I slept lower down on the bed so he was aligned with my head (no chance of rolling over on him). I used one pillow and the blanket was below him. I don’t use any medications or substances that would impair my sleep or wake response and have no health issues that would affect that either.
We slept great! Even though I nursed every 3 hours for that first year, my son slept great and I slept great. So many people I know struggled with sleeping but not us.
I definitely understand the risks but I think co-sleeping/bedsharing is biologically normal and I think it’s ultimately better for the mom & baby. I think the issue with western countries is that we have an excessive number of factors that lead to increased risks.
@xuanang01 At 4 months there is a sleep regression so hopefully its just that and things will get better.
My baby was a poor sleeper from the start he rejected his bassinet and then his crib. I breastfeed at night and it ended up being easier to bedshare. I didnt want to bedshare and it was done purely out of desperation bc he wakes constantly in the night to comfort nurse. Hes 8 months now and gets a meal before bedtime so im sure hes not hungry, he just wants the comfort. Hes always been more of a clingy boy, loves contact napping and doesnt really play independently.
Bedsharing has worked for us and its pretty normal in my culture (Indian, although im in the US). I am a very light sleeper and so is my son which sucks but also might be for the best in this case. If either of us were deep sleepers i definitely wouldnt do this.
My baby was a poor sleeper from the start he rejected his bassinet and then his crib. I breastfeed at night and it ended up being easier to bedshare. I didnt want to bedshare and it was done purely out of desperation bc he wakes constantly in the night to comfort nurse. Hes 8 months now and gets a meal before bedtime so im sure hes not hungry, he just wants the comfort. Hes always been more of a clingy boy, loves contact napping and doesnt really play independently.
Bedsharing has worked for us and its pretty normal in my culture (Indian, although im in the US). I am a very light sleeper and so is my son which sucks but also might be for the best in this case. If either of us were deep sleepers i definitely wouldnt do this.
heart4deaf
New member
@xuanang01 This is just my story but I will preface it by saying that the AAP guidelines are the best in the world for safe sleep and reducing the risk for SIDS and sleep related injuries and deaths. I will never recommend bed sharing because it does increase the risk but I do recommend understanding how to bed share safely as planned bed sharing is safer than falling asleep with a baby by accident.
Alright so my baby has always been a huge feeder and wakes up frequently during the night for a feed. We actually started bed sharing in the first week of her life because of her unique needs meaning we were not getting any sleep any other way. We did everything as safely as possible, only myself and the baby in the bed, she was EBF, no blankets, hair tied back, all of it. I researched safe sleep 7 through multiple different sources and also a bunch of other things like how to dress both of us. At nearly 7 months we still bed share and it's still just me and her in the bed. We do use blankets now but always make sure they're not anywhere near her face. She often wakes up every two hours or sooner for a feed and this is the only way I get good enough sleep that I can function.
Because she's breastfed I can just stick a boob in her mouth and go back to sleep. If she was in her cot I would probably get half or less of the sleep that I do currently. For us it was the best decision for both my mental and physical health. If you do decide to bed share, please make sure you have a very firm mattress with no pillow toppers etc to reduce the risks. Do as much research as you can to help you reduce the risks and make sure you can do it as safely as possible.
You can also look up sleep methods such as the possums approach that might help you approach it in a different way and achieve independent sleep that way. Ultimately it's up to you. Bed sharing can absolutely be done safely, and it works for us, but at the end of the day alone, on their back, in their cot with no other items around them is the safest way for them to sleep.
Your baby is also probably in the middle of the 4 month sleep progression where wakefulness and needing extra comfort and connection is normal. With everything else going on she's probably needing that extra connection with you to help regulate herself as well. With most babies it will pass in a few weeks. At the end of that day it is very important for you to get enough sleep for both your physical and mental health. As I said before intentional bed sharing is safer than accidental bed sharing so planning for it is important. I think when it comes to sleep you just have to do what works best for you as long as you go to every effort to be as safe as possible.
Good luck and I wish you sleep!
Alright so my baby has always been a huge feeder and wakes up frequently during the night for a feed. We actually started bed sharing in the first week of her life because of her unique needs meaning we were not getting any sleep any other way. We did everything as safely as possible, only myself and the baby in the bed, she was EBF, no blankets, hair tied back, all of it. I researched safe sleep 7 through multiple different sources and also a bunch of other things like how to dress both of us. At nearly 7 months we still bed share and it's still just me and her in the bed. We do use blankets now but always make sure they're not anywhere near her face. She often wakes up every two hours or sooner for a feed and this is the only way I get good enough sleep that I can function.
Because she's breastfed I can just stick a boob in her mouth and go back to sleep. If she was in her cot I would probably get half or less of the sleep that I do currently. For us it was the best decision for both my mental and physical health. If you do decide to bed share, please make sure you have a very firm mattress with no pillow toppers etc to reduce the risks. Do as much research as you can to help you reduce the risks and make sure you can do it as safely as possible.
You can also look up sleep methods such as the possums approach that might help you approach it in a different way and achieve independent sleep that way. Ultimately it's up to you. Bed sharing can absolutely be done safely, and it works for us, but at the end of the day alone, on their back, in their cot with no other items around them is the safest way for them to sleep.
Your baby is also probably in the middle of the 4 month sleep progression where wakefulness and needing extra comfort and connection is normal. With everything else going on she's probably needing that extra connection with you to help regulate herself as well. With most babies it will pass in a few weeks. At the end of that day it is very important for you to get enough sleep for both your physical and mental health. As I said before intentional bed sharing is safer than accidental bed sharing so planning for it is important. I think when it comes to sleep you just have to do what works best for you as long as you go to every effort to be as safe as possible.
Good luck and I wish you sleep!
@xuanang01 Safe 7 for bedsharing is a joke.
Pretty much no adult bed is recommended for children under at minimum, age 2. Some are age 4.
Substances doesn't JUST mean alcohol. It is any mind altering substance or medication you may ingest, so caffeine, any psychiatric medication for post partum depression, anxiety, other mental health issues, etc.
I always see sleep training demonized, is there a reason it wouldn't work for your family? 4 months is a HARD time to deal with sleep but it will pass soon. I have 2 kids, my first was never sleep trained and has equally horrible sleep like I do, he doesn't nap and hasn't since before he turned 1, he goes to bed at like 1 a.m. and gets up at like 7 or 8 and he is 4 years old now. When he did sleep in my bed, I did not sleep so I actually ended up not sleeping for about 18 months of his life save for when someone else was home and we were lucky enough to have my mom live with us at the time. I developed psychotic symptoms. We sleep trained my daughter and it has 100% been worth it. She sleeps in her own bed, usually I put her to sleep on my chest then move her to her crib and she sleeps al night and pretty much has since that age excluding when she's cutting teeth. There are way too many mothers who have lost children from bed sharing and unsafe sleep, a lot get told it was SIDS because who wants to tell a mother or father it's THEIR fault their child died? The best bet is baby sleeping in your room (co-sleeping) in their own bed space so that when they do wake you can grab them, soothe them, and hop back in bed. As a science based parenting subreddit, the evidence points to not bedsharing.
Pretty much no adult bed is recommended for children under at minimum, age 2. Some are age 4.
Substances doesn't JUST mean alcohol. It is any mind altering substance or medication you may ingest, so caffeine, any psychiatric medication for post partum depression, anxiety, other mental health issues, etc.
I always see sleep training demonized, is there a reason it wouldn't work for your family? 4 months is a HARD time to deal with sleep but it will pass soon. I have 2 kids, my first was never sleep trained and has equally horrible sleep like I do, he doesn't nap and hasn't since before he turned 1, he goes to bed at like 1 a.m. and gets up at like 7 or 8 and he is 4 years old now. When he did sleep in my bed, I did not sleep so I actually ended up not sleeping for about 18 months of his life save for when someone else was home and we were lucky enough to have my mom live with us at the time. I developed psychotic symptoms. We sleep trained my daughter and it has 100% been worth it. She sleeps in her own bed, usually I put her to sleep on my chest then move her to her crib and she sleeps al night and pretty much has since that age excluding when she's cutting teeth. There are way too many mothers who have lost children from bed sharing and unsafe sleep, a lot get told it was SIDS because who wants to tell a mother or father it's THEIR fault their child died? The best bet is baby sleeping in your room (co-sleeping) in their own bed space so that when they do wake you can grab them, soothe them, and hop back in bed. As a science based parenting subreddit, the evidence points to not bedsharing.
@stiller You really think doctors and medical examiners are listing deaths as SIDS instead of accidental suffocation because they don’t want to hurt parents feelings? There’s no evidence showing that is the case. By saying this you’re implying the CDCs numbers are incorrect, and that brings the entire method of reporting into question, along with its credibility.
I think this comment is laced with self righteousness, not evidence.
I think this comment is laced with self righteousness, not evidence.
@alangeh You do realize the CDC considers unintentional suffocation and deaths from bedsharing as SIDS right? Also, at least 1/4 of genuinely unexplained deaths end up being attributed to suffocation.
https://www.cdc.gov/sids/about/index.htm
https://www.cdc.gov/sids/about/index.htm
@stiller Not quite - the CDC considers SIDS a subcategory of Sudden Unexpected Infant Death, which is inclusive of accidental suffocation/strangulation, SIDS (a diagnosis of exclusion, i.e., we can't prove it was anything else so it's SIDS) and unexplained death (I find the 'unexplained' category extremely frustrating because it's this weird category of 'it's not suffocation but I don't want to say it's SIDS, so... I don't know.')
@joew1983 yeah it bothers me a bit too. Like isn't unexplained just...SIDS? It makes me wonder if some people didn't want an autopsy performed? I'm not sure how that works because that's a weird category. But the CDC does recognize safe sleep has a HUGE impact on SIDS risk. And also makes me wonder if they put a cause of death and change it later because SIDS is just "cause isn't immediately identified" essentially.
@alangeh Actually, there are a number of issues with death miscodings! There are anecdotal reports that it's to spare parents feelings, but I don't know that the specific motivation has ever been studied. This paper in Pediatrics conducted a survey of medical examiners with different scenarios to identify how they would categorize an infant death. The results highlight the significant variability in how MEs categorize infant deaths. In scenarios that highlighted potential airway obstructions, MEs categorized those deaths as suffocation/strangulation related between 60 and 77% of the time, meaning 1/4 to 1/3 of the time, those deaths were coded as something else. That is a pretty substantial variability.
There are a number of other issues around coding highlighted in the study but the takeaway is, in effect, that medical examiners vary in their categorization practices, which isn't surprising because the profession isn't necessarily standardized. In some areas its elected, in others it's appointed, in some areas it requires medical credentials, in some areas, it requires forensic credentials—variability isn't that surprising. And of course, I suspect it leads to some level of inequity—for instance, I wouldn't be at all surprised to see that white, upper/middle class families are more likely to receive codings of SIDS and wraparound victim support services, while Black and Hispanic parents are more likely to receive codings of suffocation and even face legal penalties (being super clear here—I haven't seen that study. I just wouldn't be surprised if a judgment-based profession reproduced inequity that already exists in society).
That variability in death coding part of the reason that the CDC reports SUID figures (R95, R96 and W75), not SIDS risk. However, a lot of research papers look at SIDS (deaths coded R95), and explicitly exclude deaths coded R96 (unexplained) and deaths coded W75 (suffocation/strangulation in bed). That means research papers are often only looking at ~1/3 of infant deaths.
This is fairly well reported and the AAP actually called for more standardization around coding in their most recent safe sleep update.
There are a number of other issues around coding highlighted in the study but the takeaway is, in effect, that medical examiners vary in their categorization practices, which isn't surprising because the profession isn't necessarily standardized. In some areas its elected, in others it's appointed, in some areas it requires medical credentials, in some areas, it requires forensic credentials—variability isn't that surprising. And of course, I suspect it leads to some level of inequity—for instance, I wouldn't be at all surprised to see that white, upper/middle class families are more likely to receive codings of SIDS and wraparound victim support services, while Black and Hispanic parents are more likely to receive codings of suffocation and even face legal penalties (being super clear here—I haven't seen that study. I just wouldn't be surprised if a judgment-based profession reproduced inequity that already exists in society).
That variability in death coding part of the reason that the CDC reports SUID figures (R95, R96 and W75), not SIDS risk. However, a lot of research papers look at SIDS (deaths coded R95), and explicitly exclude deaths coded R96 (unexplained) and deaths coded W75 (suffocation/strangulation in bed). That means research papers are often only looking at ~1/3 of infant deaths.
This is fairly well reported and the AAP actually called for more standardization around coding in their most recent safe sleep update.
@joew1983 Thank you! I don't lump miscoding and variability into the same category as deliberate avoidance of specific coding due to parental feelings, and while Im inclined to agree with you on the racial and socioeconomic coding outcomes, I would definitely like to see data on it. Maternal and infant deaths vary across those two factors as well for obvious reasons, so you could say those systemic issues reach into SUIDs coding also.
My point is that miscoding due to non-standardized practices does not equal miscoding to cater to the feeling of parents.
My point is that miscoding due to non-standardized practices does not equal miscoding to cater to the feeling of parents.
@xuanang01 If you have Facebook follow the Beyond Sleep Training Project. They are a group which helps people who don’t want sleep training but want safe sleep.
My son was an atrocious sleeper and they were a huge help.
If you bedshare (I did after 4 months for the same reason) make sure you follow the safe 7. Some people on here trashing it don’t know what they’re talking about.
Many cultures safely bed shared but they have different conditions than us so it’s important to replicate those.
Obviously safest place for baby is in an approved, up to date cot and new crib mattress but that isn’t a natural place for a baby to sleep and some babies can’t adjust to it as quickly. I totally understand the need to bed share but please please do it safely.
Join us in The Beyond Sleep Training Project on Facebook.
I went from having a terrible sleeper to working at it in gentle ways. My guy is a great sleeper now.
My son was an atrocious sleeper and they were a huge help.
If you bedshare (I did after 4 months for the same reason) make sure you follow the safe 7. Some people on here trashing it don’t know what they’re talking about.
Many cultures safely bed shared but they have different conditions than us so it’s important to replicate those.
- Firm mattress.
- No alcohol or drugs/ prescriptions that make you drowsy
- One pillow for you, one blanket waist height on you only.
- I kicked my husband to the guest room. He sleeps too heavy.
- I put baby in center of bed and me on edge arms reach away.
- No others in the bed. Siblings, pets, etc.
- Bed cannot be edge against wall. It seems safer but it isn’t. Babies get trapped between bed and wall and die.
Obviously safest place for baby is in an approved, up to date cot and new crib mattress but that isn’t a natural place for a baby to sleep and some babies can’t adjust to it as quickly. I totally understand the need to bed share but please please do it safely.
Join us in The Beyond Sleep Training Project on Facebook.
I went from having a terrible sleeper to working at it in gentle ways. My guy is a great sleeper now.
@xuanang01 I encourage you to read Peter’s story.
cherish616
New member
@ourvoyage That story specifically says this parent bottle fed. So she did not “follow the safe sleep 7”. They also mention cutting out caffeine because it is a “drug”, which shows a lack of understand or misinformation about the safe sleep 7.
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