“Cosleeping/bed-sharing creates dependent children”

[sharkdive1]

@jess75 I think the biggest evidence against bed sharing creating dependent children is this - it's only relatively recently in human history that we have had separate sleeping spaces. In multiple cultures, it's still common for families to bed or room share for years. You don't see adult children bed sharing with their parents - all children will gradually, slowly become less dependent on their parents. As for self-soothing - from all the reading I've done on it, that's a developmental thing that comes with age. I've read some sources say children can learn from as young as 4 months, but I've also seen others say that it's really only when they're much older that they learn to self sooth. What I do notice a lot, from the perspective of someone living outside of the US, is that there's a big push for babies to become independent at a young age. It's something that works for a lot of families, but I've also notice it causes a lot of anxiety in others, worries that bed sharing or contact naps will somehow damage their children. We're a carry species. Our babies are designed to want to be close to us, for safety and security, especially when they're at their most vulnerable in sleep. Heck, I don't sleep well when I'm alone in the house, I can understand why my baby doesn't sleep well without someone in the room with them!

I've been bed sharing fully since my (now 14 month old) son was about 4 months. During the day, he's a pretty independent, confident little guy. At night, it's a different story - he likes to be as close as possible to me (in fact, some nights he sleeps on top of me). It works for us, though. As he gets older, I know this will change, he won't need me to be with him, and he won't want to sleep next to me, so I'm soaking it up now.

 

[claysmithr]

@sharkdive1 This comment made me realize, that just like most skills kids develop self soothing is probably developed at different times. Some kids maybe even learn it as babies, while some need additional support until much later. And all are okay! We so often remind parents that milestones aren't set in stone, why would this one be any different.

 

[sharkdive1]

@claysmithr I guess there's money to be made in making us feel like our children aren't sleeping the way they "should" be, whatever that actually means!

 

[thanksyoueel]

@jess75 True independence is born out of the faith that when a child needs their secure base, they will be there. Your pediatrician may know pediatrics but they very clearly do not know established developmental psychology. Young children learn to self regulate by coregulating. They learn to self soothe by being soothed. The only thing they learn from being ignored and not responded to is not to signal for support when they need it, they don't learn to not need support.

In the desperate pursuit to achieve independence before it's developmentally appropriate, what's more likely to happen is to form an insecure attachment, which actually leads to clingier, less confident children.

If you feel uncertain, I would suggest reading up on the work of developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth. Her research and findings are of far more value than non-evidence based opinions of some pediatrician. Her research, though the basis of much contemporary research, is from the 1970s so this isn't even just a matter of not being up to date on the most current findings.

 

[lemuel]

@jess75 This article although not specifically about bedsharing has some links to studies about it, and also should give you some reassurance that deliberate separation from your infant is really not required for independence, and securely attached kids are more independent and less clingy. That’s not to say sleep training means your kids won’t be securely attached or bedsharing does, but you’re certainly not harming your child by being responsive.

Anecdotally I think this is really culture specific advice – I’m in the UK and I’ve literally never heard any suggestion that cosleeping could affect future independence, until I read it a few months ago I didn’t even realise it was such a concern to people. I never full time bed shared with my 2 oldest kids because I didn’t need to from a sleep perspective but they were in our room until 1 and we have always responded at night, and allowed them to bed share if they wouldn’t settle and they’re both fabulous and as independent as you could expect a 4.5 and 2.5 year old to be.

 

[lemuel]

Also sorry for a bunch of old blog posts but I came across this old postrecently on the concept of self soothing in infancy and to cut a long story short it was just a generic term applied to babies who woke and went back to sleep without crying that has been misappropriated to imply a taught skill

 

[amyrusso1013]

@jess75 I’m so sorry you’re pediatrician said that to you. You’ve gotten some really great responses about the neurological development of babies as well as attachment theory. We started cosleeping with my oldest around four months and kept it up until about 22 months. She’s not 3.5 and sleeps the whole night through in her bed just fine. She is bold, confident, and loves trying new things. She also knows if she needs us during the night then we will be there to help her. I truly believe that because she is securely attached to us that allows her to be bold and try new things.

Also that feeling you get when you hear your baby cry is because we are supposed to respond to our baby’s cries. From an evolutionary standpoint, having a responsive parent is your baby’s best shot at living until adulthood so that they can pass on your genes.

 

[alivenhm]

@jess75 I'm also a FTM with a 5mo, so not a lot of experience or time to see the benefits BUT I was considering making a post about this. I don't have all the years if experience or research to share with you. I just want to say I'm right here with you. I hope sharing my experience will help you to feel more confident in your decision and be proud of what you're doing for your LO.

My girl is such a happy baby and only fusses if she's hungry or tired. She rarely cries otherwise. (Sometimes she doesn't like being held by certain people , but not usually. It's okay for her to want mom.) We also started cosleeping around 2/3 months once she started to outgrow her bassinet. It makes my heart so happy feeling like I am doing the right thing for her. I truly believe she isn't overly fussy BECAUSE we cosleep and she knows we are right there. I put her to bed at 7 and then I will go spend time with my husband or do house chores. If she wakes up, most of the time she just lays there. I have the baby monitor on, but I can usually hear her little noises as she's waking, and I always respond. She has never cried when she woke up from a nap/in the morning, and only once or twice at night when I was in the bathroom and couldn't get to her immediately.
It is so odd to me that pediatricians and others will say "they need to be independent." Why?? They've only been on this earth for a short time. They are babies, figuring it out. They rely on us to survive and sleep is such an important part of development.
The more reading I've done on cosleeping, the more I love it and am happy we stopped listening to the fear mongering.

Adding: I know some babies just have a happy, content temperament and I definitely have a happy baby, but I can just see her secure attachment through the cosleeping already.

 

[jess75]

@alivenhm Thank you for sharing your experience!

I’m in the exact boat! My LO typically goes down to bed between 7-9, depending on when his last nap was, but he’s usually down around 8-8:30. We tried transitioning him to his bassinet but he would toss and turn and cry and get little (if any) sleep and it was poor quality. He’d wake up frequently, and my husband or I would come give him comfort and he’d just cry more if we left or didn’t pick him up.

But when he goes to sleep on our bed, he stays asleep for a while, only waking to be fed or changed (or soothed back to sleep cause he’s going through a regression right now). It’s given us time to ourselves and with each other and comfort that he’s getting good quality sleep and he’s comfortable.

It’s haunting hearing your LO cry and you feel you’re not supposed to do anything so they can “learn.”

 

[johnathan_d_hill]

@jess75 What’s wrong with a child being dependent on the parent? That’s a sign of trust and attachment. Trust me they will reach a certain age where they crave their independence but having that foundational bond will help you weather the teen years and beyond.

 

[jess75]

@johnathan_d_hill That was my question!

Why is it bad for a child to be dependent on their parent? I love that my son finds me comforting, and a safe place to rest in. I want him to know I’ll always answer his call (or his cries, lol).

It’s scary how the world wants kids to grow up so fast. Like, no, let them be kids. Let them find comfort and rely on their parents. They need to know they don’t always have to be strong and do things on their own.

 

[johnathan_d_hill]

@jess75 We co slept and extended breastfed. Around 8-9 years old my oldest just began to prefer to sleep on his own, it was a very easy and natural transition. If there is a storm or he has a bad dream he will still occasionally crawl into my bed and I welcome that as long as he needs it. My 7 year old still prefers to stay close at night and I’m ok with that too. Expecting #3 this summer and we have set up a side car crib and will be safe co sleeping with baby from the start.

 

[temirlan]

@jess75 Bed sharing helps babies feel securely attached to their caregiver which leads to more independent children and adults. Dr James McKenna cites studies which show this, in his book.

 

[katrina2017]

@jess75 Just adding that all the influencers on baby sleep are trying to sell you a product so they are fear mongering because they want your money: you’ll ruin your child forever if you don’t follow MY method. Now that I’m on kid two, I realize the only method that matters is my method and what works for me and my kids. Ignore the haters. I honestly feel bad for the people that never bedshared. To me it’s one of the sweetest parts of the infant and toddler years.

 

[oracle999]

@jess75 Independence comes from deep secure dependence. I co-slept with my parents and then siblings until…wait for it…I moved away from home. At 16 I did an exchange program abroad for a year, did my masters in Europe, lived in 3 cities in 16 months and then settled in England (Im originally from Latin America). I am an extremely independent, self sufficient and self starter person. And I know I can always hop on a plane, go home, and cuddle to sleep with my mom if I need her.

 

[kyleeak]

@jess75 I would ask the dr to show your the evidence backing his claim. If a doctor is making a claim they should have high quality research backing it up. There isn’t any. But that way you’ll be able to see that it’s just made up BS in his his head.

 

[patersonchristian]

@jess75 I coslept with my oldest until I was nearing the end of baby sibling’s pregnancy, then my husband took over. 3yo is so cheerful, social, and independent. While I’m sure a large part of this is his core personality, I’m also convinced a major component is that he’s rock-solid confident that his parents will always be there for him.

I started cosleeping with this baby even younger, so he’s slept in a bassinet for a single nap.

 

[averagejonah]

@jess75 I was very against bed sharing when I was pregnant and when my baby was a newborn. That ended at 4 weeks old. He went through, what I call, a mini sleep regression. He would wake up at 1:20am and fight sleeping until 5am. It was a struggle. Being in the thick of postpartum, a baby who won’t sleep, and a dad who had to work the next day was hard. We decided one night that when he finally fell asleep, we’d put him in our bed and see how that worked. It worked like a charm. We bedshare 50/50. He sleeps in his bassinet until I wake up for work (5am) and sleeps with his dad until around 10:30-11. I really don’t see the need for sleep training (FOR MY BABY) he’s relatively easy to put down, and I don’t mind comforting him back to sleep when he wakes up. He sleeps good now that we 50/50 bedshare. He’s happier, less fussy and WE GETTING SLEEP OVER HERE!! I heard someone say the baby finally goes to sleep from crying when the brain finally tells them nobody’s coming and they’re all alone, that made me feel so sad and uncomfortable putting my baby in that situation. I never once considered cry it out but I sure as heck never will after hearing that. Do what’s best for you, but do it safely

 

[mooke147]

@jess75 4 months old is still so young! I was like you and co slept out of desperation. When my LO was about 9 months old he was crawling in our bed and starting to wake me up all the time for little nursing snacks. I knew it wasn't mutually beneficial at that point to continue co-sleeping.

I decided to try the floor bed technique so I could easily nurse him to sleep and it worked great! I did also do some gradual CIO at 9 months and after a few days he would fuss for 1-2 min and go to sleep. Now at 12 months old he sleeps on his own 10-12 hours without waking. He used to only contact nap also and now he will nap on his own just fine.

Obviously this is my story, but I know several friends that co slept with their babies and at some point they were able to transition them to their own space. You will know when your baby is ready and can start to self soothe. Starting with naps is easier, even just one small nap a day on their own.

 

[emmy0922]

@jess75 Bed sharing creates dependent sleepers, yes. Eventually, you won’t be able to just pop your three year old in their own room to fall asleep by themselves, it’ll take some undoing/unlearning.

But children can still be independent in every other way. My daughter and I just stopped bed sharing and room sharing at 3.5 years old. She is one of the most independent children I’ve met. (I’m a former preschool teacher and an aunt to 14). Our cosleeping habits for 3.5 years did not inhibit her ability to learn how to do other things. But, she was absolutely dependent on my husband and I for sleep until we taught her how to sleep independently. It is a skill that needs to be taught and learned.

You are not damaging your baby though. Nor are you setting them up for a life long dependency on you. Good sleep above all else. Do what works best for you and your family.