“Cosleeping/bed-sharing creates dependent children”

[sharkdive1]

@jess75 I think the biggest evidence against bed sharing creating dependent children is this - it's only relatively recently in human history that we have had separate sleeping spaces. In multiple cultures, it's still common for families to bed or room share for years. You don't see adult children bed sharing with their parents - all children will gradually, slowly become less dependent on their parents. As for self-soothing - from all the reading I've done on it, that's a developmental thing that comes with age. I've read some sources say children can learn from as young as 4 months, but I've also seen others say that it's really only when they're much older that they learn to self sooth. What I do notice a lot, from the perspective of someone living outside of the US, is that there's a big push for babies to become independent at a young age. It's something that works for a lot of families, but I've also notice it causes a lot of anxiety in others, worries that bed sharing or contact naps will somehow damage their children. We're a carry species. Our babies are designed to want to be close to us, for safety and security, especially when they're at their most vulnerable in sleep. Heck, I don't sleep well when I'm alone in the house, I can understand why my baby doesn't sleep well without someone in the room with them!

I've been bed sharing fully since my (now 14 month old) son was about 4 months. During the day, he's a pretty independent, confident little guy. At night, it's a different story - he likes to be as close as possible to me (in fact, some nights he sleeps on top of me). It works for us, though. As he gets older, I know this will change, he won't need me to be with him, and he won't want to sleep next to me, so I'm soaking it up now.

 

[claysmithr]

@sharkdive1 This comment made me realize, that just like most skills kids develop self soothing is probably developed at different times. Some kids maybe even learn it as babies, while some need additional support until much later. And all are okay! We so often remind parents that milestones aren't set in stone, why would this one be any different.

 

[sharkdive1]

@claysmithr I guess there's money to be made in making us feel like our children aren't sleeping the way they "should" be, whatever that actually means!

 

[thanksyoueel]

@jess75 True independence is born out of the faith that when a child needs their secure base, they will be there. Your pediatrician may know pediatrics but they very clearly do not know established developmental psychology. Young children learn to self regulate by coregulating. They learn to self soothe by being soothed. The only thing they learn from being ignored and not responded to is not to signal for support when they need it, they don't learn to not need support.

In the desperate pursuit to achieve independence before it's developmentally appropriate, what's more likely to happen is to form an insecure attachment, which actually leads to clingier, less confident children.

If you feel uncertain, I would suggest reading up on the work of developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth. Her research and findings are of far more value than non-evidence based opinions of some pediatrician. Her research, though the basis of much contemporary research, is from the 1970s so this isn't even just a matter of not being up to date on the most current findings.

 

[lemuel]

@jess75 This article although not specifically about bedsharing has some links to studies about it, and also should give you some reassurance that deliberate separation from your infant is really not required for independence, and securely attached kids are more independent and less clingy. That’s not to say sleep training means your kids won’t be securely attached or bedsharing does, but you’re certainly not harming your child by being responsive.

Anecdotally I think this is really culture specific advice – I’m in the UK and I’ve literally never heard any suggestion that cosleeping could affect future independence, until I read it a few months ago I didn’t even realise it was such a concern to people. I never full time bed shared with my 2 oldest kids because I didn’t need to from a sleep perspective but they were in our room until 1 and we have always responded at night, and allowed them to bed share if they wouldn’t settle and they’re both fabulous and as independent as you could expect a 4.5 and 2.5 year old to be.

 

[lemuel]

Also sorry for a bunch of old blog posts but I came across this old postrecently on the concept of self soothing in infancy and to cut a long story short it was just a generic term applied to babies who woke and went back to sleep without crying that has been misappropriated to imply a taught skill

 

[amyrusso1013]

@jess75 I’m so sorry you’re pediatrician said that to you. You’ve gotten some really great responses about the neurological development of babies as well as attachment theory. We started cosleeping with my oldest around four months and kept it up until about 22 months. She’s not 3.5 and sleeps the whole night through in her bed just fine. She is bold, confident, and loves trying new things. She also knows if she needs us during the night then we will be there to help her. I truly believe that because she is securely attached to us that allows her to be bold and try new things.

Also that feeling you get when you hear your baby cry is because we are supposed to respond to our baby’s cries. From an evolutionary standpoint, having a responsive parent is your baby’s best shot at living until adulthood so that they can pass on your genes.

 

[alivenhm]

@jess75 I'm also a FTM with a 5mo, so not a lot of experience or time to see the benefits BUT I was considering making a post about this. I don't have all the years if experience or research to share with you. I just want to say I'm right here with you. I hope sharing my experience will help you to feel more confident in your decision and be proud of what you're doing for your LO.

My girl is such a happy baby and only fusses if she's hungry or tired. She rarely cries otherwise. (Sometimes she doesn't like being held by certain people , but not usually. It's okay for her to want mom.) We also started cosleeping around 2/3 months once she started to outgrow her bassinet. It makes my heart so happy feeling like I am doing the right thing for her. I truly believe she isn't overly fussy BECAUSE we cosleep and she knows we are right there. I put her to bed at 7 and then I will go spend time with my husband or do house chores. If she wakes up, most of the time she just lays there. I have the baby monitor on, but I can usually hear her little noises as she's waking, and I always respond. She has never cried when she woke up from a nap/in the morning, and only once or twice at night when I was in the bathroom and couldn't get to her immediately.
It is so odd to me that pediatricians and others will say "they need to be independent." Why?? They've only been on this earth for a short time. They are babies, figuring it out. They rely on us to survive and sleep is such an important part of development.
The more reading I've done on cosleeping, the more I love it and am happy we stopped listening to the fear mongering.

Adding: I know some babies just have a happy, content temperament and I definitely have a happy baby, but I can just see her secure attachment through the cosleeping already.