“Cosleeping/bed-sharing creates dependent children”

[smartgeek]

@rollo22 My response (often to my own parents) is that I was sleep trained, and it SEEMED like it worked at the time, but I have near-crippling insomnia and so obviously, whatever it taught me wasn’t independent sleep or self-soothing. My dad has terrible insomnia as well, and was sleep trained, so I also point that out.

 

[eveningstarjj]

@apostolicfaithone1 Seriously… this made me cry with joy!!! Thank you so much for writing this. I have been cosleeping since baby was 4 mo (currently 14mo) But have always been doubting myself and the decision to cosleep (although I love it and clearly makes for a happy, well-rested baby and mama) the thought that I may be harming my baby by not providing the opportunity to “learn” to self-soothe is constantly lingering in the back of my mind. How can something so natural and effective be detrimental to her development? This horrible propaganda is really so pervasive. Thank you SO much for clearing the air! I appreciate you and will continue to cosleep as long as she wants to!

 

[apostolicfaithone1]

@eveningstarjj My daughter is 26m and we still cosleep. She needs it. I need my husband to sleep soundly. She has a lot of my temperament so it makes intuitive sense to me. You meeting your baby’s needs is teaching them to self soothe/self regulate. They learn it FROM you,

 

[00sweetpea00]

@apostolicfaithone1 (Edit: my reading comprehension isn't 100%, hahaha I will note that I see you mentioned Allan Schore so I'm looking up his work now! Sorry!)



Hi @apostolicfaithone1, I know this is a cosleeping subreddit so it's going to be heavily biased toward pro-cosleeping, but I absolutely want you to know that I'm thankful for all of your comments in this thread — every single one of them. It's all so reassuring. I am not doubting you but I wonder if you can provide some links or sources for me to look into further, because I'd LOVE to spread the word that cosleeping is natural and that babies can't self soothe until 6-7ish yrs old. I would LOVE to confidently share these facts.

You already cited a Russian orphanage study, so I'm going to look into that further, but can you add some more please? I want to share this info so badly without saying "a professional psychologist said it on reddit" — thanks for understanding!!

And if you have Discord, I'd love to please continue this discussion with further Q&A, if that's okay??

My Discord username is katsumii.

Hey, thanks again for all your comments here, knowledge, understanding, and compassion!!!

 

[jess75]

@apostolicfaithone1 Thank you so much for sharing that!

Your comment and expertise relieved my heart.

 

[apostolicfaithone1]

@jess75 Of course. To be fair you’ll always find experts on all sides but to be honest, it feels cruel to force a child’s brain into independence when we are literally born with the capacity for connection.

 

[cubicist]

@apostolicfaithone1 Just to clarify, research is showing children can’t self soothe until closer to 6-7 years old? Or months?

 

[apostolicfaithone1]

@cubicist 6-7 years sorry. In “Affect Regulation and the Origin of Self” he reviews the first 2 years of a child’s brain development. And it’s 600 pages so that’s hard to summarize but at the conclusion much of the learning to self regulate happens within the first 2 years and lays the foundation through experience-dependent interactions.

 

[cubicist]

@apostolicfaithone1 Thank you

 

[tiei]

@apostolicfaithone1 This is incredibly insightful. Thank you! I’ve also been told that babies cry to “exercise their voice”, which sounds like absolute nonsense to this FTM. But what would you say? Is that another way to justify a directive to teach “self-soothing”?

 

[apostolicfaithone1]

@tiei You can’t teach self soothing (aka self regulation). It is through you “sharing your calm” that the brain begins to create neural pathways that allow the child to eventually self regulate their own emotional experiences.

 

[sharkdive1]

@tiei That sounds like a slightly different form of the old belief that crying expanded/exercised the lungs, which we now know not to be true.

 

[spandexwarrior231]

@apostolicfaithone1 Thank you for chiming in! Could you elaborate on your last sentence, "the absence of no 'harm' by CIO methods does not mean it is not harmful?" I’m not planning on sleep training but you have me curious what the literature says about its effects in the short and long terms.

 

[smartgeek]

@spandexwarrior231 I believe that sentence is referring to the often-touted studies showing that children who have been sleep trained still demonstrate secure attachment behavior in “strange situation” experiments. There are issues with extrapolating no harm from those studies, just like there are issues extrapolating harm in normal families from the orphanage studies. There just isn’t good DATA either way, though other things (like our understanding of developmental neuroscience) suggest harm is very possible.

 

[favourfelix]

@apostolicfaithone1 Hi! Where’s the best place to start? I’m seeing, ‘Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self,’ for $92 and don’t want to pull that trigger if there’s a better place

 

[apostolicfaithone1]

@favourfelix I would look at second hand websites! Also; wait till the end of the semester when these sites get flooded with returns! I found mine at a used bookstore. Look in both the psychology section and the neuroscience/neurology section. I see his stuff everywhere! You could also try your local library to see if you love it enough.

 

[favourfelix]

@apostolicfaithone1 I appreciate you sharing your expertise here on reddit, kind stranger!

 

[hawk3093]

@jess75 Babies are incapable of self soothing like that. He doesn’t need to learn to self soothe, he needs to know mom and dad are always going to be there when he needs them. That’s what builds a secure attachment and creates independence when he is ready.

Pediatricians usually don’t really know anything about sleep. And in many other cultures co sleeping in common. Do what works for your baby!

Article about how self soothing at that age isn’t actually self soothing:

https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2014...hen-you-teach-a-baby-to-self-soothe-to-sleep/

 

[dominga]

@hawk3093 Thank you that link was insightful. And study they linked to:

“On the third day of the program, however, results showed that infants' physiological and behavioral responses were dissociated. They no longer expressed behavioral distress during the sleep transition but their cortisol levels were elevated. Without the infants' distress cue, mothers' cortisol levels decreased. “

So mothers are less stressed but babies are still silently stressing feel so sad for all the sleep trained babies! “Self soothing” really is just a marketing scam.

 

[roman2819]

@jess75 My daughter is 3yo and has been bedsharing since 4mo. She is FINE. Yes, she enjoys snuggling with me when it’s just the two of us spending time together. We love snuggling at night. But she sleeps alone fine at daycare, is confident in herself, has tons of fun playing with friends, and knows and trusts her body and boundaries.

Yes, if I’m around she comes to me when she’s upset. So what? We all want love from someone we trust when we’re upset. Most of us enjoy snuggling at night with someone we love and trust.

If it is right for your family, it is right.