"Coparent" is not informing me of anything

[thomas1985]

We had a temporary custody hearing last week and we were granted 50/50 joint legal and physical custody of our children (3 & 5 y/o). She was withholding them before the hearing and tried to get sole custody of them during the hearing (for who know why?). Regardless of her intentions, joint 50/50 is the court order and the judge flat out told us we need to learn how to coparent.
I have tried extending an olive branch on several occasions and been ignored or shut down every time. I asked about coordinating summer school or daycare programs, got nothing in response. She took it upon herself to schedule a therapy appointment for our 5 y/o without giving me any information (I received an email from the pediatrician's office confirming a therapy appointment which is the only reason I know she did this). And the appointment is on my day, during my time with my child. I have asked several times for us to pick a therapist together and work together for the kids, all to an argument from her on "She knows what's best" for our kids.
Anyone know of any options or ideas for approach on this? I've told her to consult her lawyer on how she's violating the order.

 

[halterfr33]

@thomas1985

• You can reach out to her directly to advise that since you weren't consulted regarding the therapy and it's scheduled for your day, she'll need to reschedule
• You can reach out to her directly to advise that you're not okay with her making plans for LO during your custody time, however you are willing to make an exception this time and take LO to the session
• You can reach out to the pediatrician and cancel the appointment

Check out the High Conflict Coparenting podcast.

 

[nguyencuong9102]

@thomas1985 You need to reframe your goals.

Are you in favor of therapy for your child? Are you available to take him to the appointment?

If yes, thank her for scheduling and let her know you are taking the child, and she is welcome to attend.

If you aren't available that day, you can let her take him, ask her to reschedule, or call and reschedule yourself and let her know.

Key is you WERE informed in advance. She just didn't tell you directly. You have many options to take care of your child that don't include court. You are also being high conflict with your message, and you can just take care of your kid.

You aren't ever going to get her to do it your way. So just do what you need to do to take care of your kids.

If you are against therapy that you'll have to go to court over.

 

[uli]

@nguyencuong9102 I mean she should have opened a discussion before jumping the gun. Do they agree on therapy at all? That is the first question, not the notification of an appointment already made! This is a clear violation of medical consent. She should have to go to court to take the child to a doctor that is not basic care or urgent without his consent. Her way would never fly in my county.

 

[abeazishar]

@thomas1985 So how much money are you willing to spend?
All you can do is take her back to court if she is not following the court orders to have the court find her in contempt.

 

[thomas1985]

@abeazishar What would be the result of that?

 

[abeazishar]

@thomas1985 Up to the court how they fine her at that point

 

[nguyencuong9102]

@abeazishar Or they can tell the lawyer like our judge told my ex and his lawyer, "It must be nice to have money to throw around. I'd never advise a client to file a petition like this."

 

[lawlord]

@thomas1985 This is a new situation. You got notified and are aware of the appointment. If you can’t attend you have every right to reschedule and show good faith when you include her in the rescheduling.

Joint appointment making tends to be really difficult and hard to agree upon. I would suggest ending an email that asks she talk to you prior to scheduling anything unless it’s an emergency. If this continues to be an issue you can file a contempt and hopefully get her to play fair, but only after a couple attempts and a good amount of evidence she is refusing to follow the plan.

 

[uli]

@thomas1985 I think that would violate your medical consent in deciding on therapy, picking the therapist, and scheduling it on your time. She needs to learn that she can no longer act unilaterally. I would cancel the appointment and open a discussion about the issue.

 

[tomboy480]

@thomas1985 Dealing with a similar situation myself and it has been psychologically draining. There's really no other reason I can think of for this kind of stuff other than spite, narcissism, and a superiority complex. Dealing with a co-parent who feels that you should be seen as and ordered to be the subordinate parent while they are the superior, dominant parent is one way to ensure that there is no peace.

 

[scenematt]

@tomboy480 Most of those who wanna be superior want the “rule of law without law”. Im sorry you are experiencing their unnecessary behavior.

 

[thomas1985]

@tomboy480 I have a friend who is a paralegal who deals with domestic/family cases all the time. He's suggested I document all the times she's demonstrated she's not able to coparent and I take it to my lawyer and the courts again. He said I could get sole legal custody because of her actions.

 

[nguyencuong9102]

@thomas1985 Is your goal to remove your child from the other parent?
Or is your goal to take care of your child?

I get it is frustrating. I googled all the ways I could get sole custody when I was mad. He said I failed to coparent because I didn't format sentences the way he liked and because once I brought up a topic, I answered in a phrase instead of a complete sentence, got lectured about grammar and said nevermind. Failure to coparent. Lol

Anyway, my point is,you are never going to be rid of this woman. Getting sole legal is not going to happen unless her contempt actually hurts the kids or actually impacts your relationship with them.

Everything feels catastrophic right now, but it isn't and you should just take your kid to the therapist you picked.

And document it...for whenever takes you to court for something dumb.

 

[thomas1985]

@nguyencuong9102 Definitely not remove them from the other parent. I'm still all for joint physical custody. But knowing her and her struggles with being an adult, I'd rather keep the legal custody in my own court as I consider myself the responsible adult. I'd like to see her be responsible, but she's already demonstrated that she wants her own best interest for the kids and not even discuss if we are on the same page for our kids.

 

[ctoss]

@thomas1985 Dream on. This isn’t even close to a full custody situation. What the heck are you doing, already talking about going back to court? You think that’s good for your children?

 

[joyfilled]

@thomas1985 It sounds like she is grieving the loss of her time with the kids. Was she the primary caregiver prior to the divorce? If so, she likely wants to continue being primary and that’s what the kids are used to.

You aren’t going to get someone to play nice when they feel such a terrible loss.

 

[lawlord]

@joyfilled How about the grieving OP did when his children were being withheld from him? I understand she might be having a hard time, but it’s not about mom right now.

 

[thomas1985]

@lawlord I went through so much stress and kept listening to the advice of my lawyer and friends to be the bigger person and not fight her for our kids directly in front of the kids (like, go to their school before her and try picking them up). And I know it caused my oldest severe anxiety because she didn't know when she would see me again. She asked to come over to my place every time I called, and her Mom would tell her "no, you can't go over to Dada's." No reasoning behind it. Just flat-out denial for weeks.

 

[lawlord]

@thomas1985 Hurts my heart when parents don’t see the harm done when they do stuff like this.