Any other moms with older kids here?

[phillychristian]

My kids are older, with 17yo twins being the oldest, then a 14yo, and the youngest is 10yo.

One of the twins, J, struggles socially. He has raging ADHD that he's been medicated for since he was 10, and he's also currently on antidepressants (curse faulty genetics, wish I'd known about my family history sooner). He has a group of kids at school that he's friendly with, but he's never invited to hang out outside of school, and when he invites them to do things it's always a bust. ALWAYS. He's awkward, sure, but not offensively so; he has good hygiene, and typical teenage interests.

Most weekends he spends at home, playing video games and watching movies with his twin and their dad (my husband; no step-parents or custody arrangements that could be causing conflict). This weekend, my husband and the other twin, L, took a short road trip, so J is floundering. The 14yo has a friend over that J doesn't like, and 10 is out with one of her friends. I feel bad that J is so lonely, and I am happy to watch a movie with him, but I know it's not the same.

How can I help J make friends? He's a junior in high school, and his high school experience is not at all the way I picked it would be. (L home schools, but J needs the structure of a regular school.) Have any of you more seasoned moms had any experience with a socially awkward teen?

 

[yourn1ghtmare]

@phillychristian The reality is his friends at school aren't going to be his real friends. They are situational friends of convenience. And that's ok! Those friends are important in life. But I think the sooner your son can accept that the better off he will be. It can help to not hurt so bad when the inevitable bandaid of graduation rips them apart. As for all those invites, time to redirect those towards some potential real friends.

His hobbies are a good place to start. Have you tried taking him to a gaming shop? They often have scenes that the typical video gaming guy enjoys. Card trading games, DnD groups, and sometimes even video games tournaments. When he's 21 there are even "barcades". I'd also look o to nerdy clubs at school that he has interest in. My nieces school has a DnD club, a drama improv club, and even a gaming club that does board games and occasional video games competitions. Look around and get him connected.

More importantly teach him how to reach out and make friends. When I was your son's age I relied on making that one extroverted friend who then made friends for me. That worked until it suddenly didn't and it's meant a lonely 19-30 year old journey before I learned how to make friends as an adult. Teach him that as an adult you have to shoot your shot. Met someone at DnD group who seems cool? Offer them your number and invite them to text you +this is ideal as it's open and inviting and not intimidating like "give me your number"). Have him practice with you so it's natural for him. "Hey it was a blast playing with you. Here's my number. Text me sometime Id love to hang out again."

Then teach him to let the rejections role off him. A lot of people are.never going to text him back. Plenty of those texting chats are never going to progress to a meet up. The key is to not take it personally and to keep trying (with new people) until he finds his group.

 

[diadiemnhaban2023]

@yourn1ghtmare Honestly I don't think you need any more comments. This one is gold.

ETA I especially like the point about friends of convenience not being "bad" but also to purposefully find friends of desire (my word). Hobbies are great. I did not grow up in a DnD home, so would not have thought to lean into that realm, but this commenter has great ideas to lean in and encourage. Also one more add. My mom is great but I have a sister who's reasonably okay at some art and my mom won't stop suggesting graphic design. Or an Etsy shop. She doesn't want to do that. You don't have to do a job that's born from a hobby. You can, but not everything in his life post graduation has to be monetizing his hobby. Just thinking it's worth mentioning because he's 17.

 

[phillychristian]

@diadiemnhaban2023 It is a great response, I'm definitely taking it to heart! Thank you also, for taking time to read and comment!

 

[yazzy]

@yourn1ghtmare As a former socially awkward ND 17 year old, +1 to this advice. Gaming groups or other hobby groups can also help in that there is a wide variety of ages. Someone who may not get along with other 17 year olds might get along fine with 20 somethings (in a non-creepy, context appropriate, public venue) and learn some social skills.

 

[phillychristian]

@yazzy I definitely think he might do better with slightly older friends, honestly. I'm going to set aside time to take him to the gaming store at the mall soon, and see what events they host and if there's any that interest him.

Thank you for your response!

 

[phillychristian]

@yourn1ghtmare Thank you so, so much for this kind and in-depth response!

There is a gaming store in the mall that we can go check out, I'll see if he's interested in any of the events if they have some coming up. My husband is a huge gamer as well, so even though I'm not, there is all kinds of support for that at our house. We're going to talk to a former gaming friend of my husband's about a summer job for J, if we can figure out the transportation, and I know without a doubt this guy would be an amazing mentor for him.

You've given me a lot to think over and different perspectives, which I appreciate. My husband and I were friends in junior high and high school, even though we didn't date until later, so it's good for me to be reminded that not everyone holds onto those teenage relationships and friendships.

 

[davidseven]

@phillychristian My kid is 15 and he really struggled socially until he joined a club in high school. He’s still a little on the fringe, but he’s plenty busy.

He does game online a bit on weekends (thankfully it’s Minecraft and not call of duty).

I agree with the other poster. My husband is pretty into comics and our local comic book store has several teen groups on the weekends for DND and Pokemon. It is very nerdy, and they sell out of tickets almost every week (it’s a small space so they do a $5 ticket, which comes with a $5 credit when you show up). I’d also check around your town. A lot of libraries and community centers offer clubs for teens also.

 

[phillychristian]

@davidseven I didn't think of checking the library, especially with summer coming. I'm sure they'll have some events for teens and YA that we can check out. J has been involved in theater classes, but I think the studio he's been at isn't meeting his needs anymore, so I'm going to look into another one that does comedy and improv classes. Thank you for the ideas!

 

[allie50]

@phillychristian martial arts. The teens in the 2 (muay thai) gyms I frequent are so close because they train together regularly. That kind of camaraderie is what builds bonds. Not only will J gain a huge amount of self confidence (which will help him socially) but he will, with time and consistency, become friends with folks at the gym. Last night one of the teens had a fight and the entire fight team (about 12-15 kids) bought tickets and went to support him. Win or lose, the kids support each other and THAT is what builds friendships.