Am I being too kind to my ex-wife?

@bobw Thankfully her pattern with alcohol is not one of daily drinking, but periodic out of control binges. Therefore, we should be in the safe period for at least a few months. However, if she doesn't agree by Monday I probably will go in for some short-term orders until we get a hearing date on long-term orders.
 
@fundisi So is this potential agreement going to be filed with family court? That is the only way I see it being enforceable. And then the judge will be aware of the dui, with the child in the vehicle, and still has to approve it. Also with all of these stipulations, how can you conclude that it is in the best interest of your son to maintain 50/50 visitation while she attempts to go through a 12 step program, counseling, random @godsineverything, jail time/legal consequences of her dui and possibly maintaining employment? Your requests are reasonable but applying 50% care of the child in addition does not seem reasonable. It needs to be an arrangement that she can actually manage. Could you handle all of that and still be the best you can be for your child 50% of the time? I don't think I could. Overloading her may just lead to future instability as well. Definitely think you should reconsider the visitation aspect of your proposal.
 
@bobw To answer your question, yes, this would be the new court approved custody arrangement with a revised custody order in place. I have already told her that if she wants less time temporarily or permanently I am happy to accommodate it, so far, she does not.
 
@fundisi I would add in some language about how long she needs to stay in 12 step program / rehab… she will have to be consistent and want to stop drinking… I would put a stipulation in there she has to consistently attend for a good period of time.
 
@fundisi That sounds a bit like overkill I’ve heard of people wiping out w family on their fifth d w I who don’t end up on ( estimate if your son is around 7 I honestly don’t remember, I’ve been in the middle of other life stuff) 11 years supervised probation though for them it would just be better if they never drove again though it can be hard to enforce- not saying that is right but this I’m assuming is her first and hopefully only offense I feel like if you want to take it this far you better hope your side of the street is clean because no one is perfect- I totally agree having the child in the car was pretty crappy but at some point people need a reason to believe things will get better if they do the right thing- if she truly feels remorse for what she did and her child is her main source of motivation in life and you make it financially and emotionally nearly impossible for her to feel she will ever be able to be a mom again she may feel like she has nothing to live for- i feel like something is being left out of this story - if you got along so great and saw no red flags wouldn’t that mean you were irresponsible in missing something, does your new wife. Want her out of the picture or something, does she have more income then you- people who have never dealt w court are always quick to think they go to court and it fixes it all but court is very complicated and it is a very imperfect system set up to make money - the poor get locked up the wealthy pay their way out - if your after money she may have none left for child support after all the court fines and drug testing you want her to do in addition to probation fees and they will take that into account before your child support - talk to a lawyer they will tell you the same - this will also put you under a microscope and give her reason to keep an eye out for any indescretion on your part- if she is cool with what happened and has an attitude of not caring that’s a different story but sounds like this may have been a result of some problems in her emotional life - most people I know who take family members to court regret it when they realize they can’t just change the outcome whenever they feel like it to benefit them when they think it makes sense - for example they want to take custody but then need “unsafe” parent to baby sit guess where kid goes now if that gets out? The foster care system- your playing with fire and I would not go There - they will look into why you never noticed she was what you call or suggest is an “alcoholic” because someone doesn’t just wake up one day and say I’ve only had a few drinks in my life I think I’ll get trashed to take my son to the soccer game- some serious shit has gone unnoticed or ignored for a long time and they aren’t stupid about that- ultimately however courts want your money
 
@fundisi I don’t think you really understand the legal system you can make suggestions but this is the judges discretion not yours , you don’t just walk in and say I want so and so to do this because and The judge goes ok your wish is my commmand- he may want to know why you didn’t notice anything sooner if you feel she needs more drug testing then most dui that result in death , and have you checked out- you realize they do this generally speaking when something like this happens, if nothing was done civilly I would not open that Pandora’s box they will also do background checks on you and anyone you live with
 
@fundisi Sounds like her first mistake you're willing to take your child away from her. I NEED a lot more info.

Is she an alcoholic? Is this an ongoing issue? Yepp she fucked up but is it worth using your kid as a pawn? ONE mistake and you want 100% custody?

I can guarantee there's more to your divorce story because that's a pretty big jump for ONE mistake.
 
@blogcerengo1973 That's what I was thinking. I can understand the 100% physical custody until she works herself out as he said bingeing is common for her but the 100% legal makes no sense. But then again he said she'd have enough visitation for it to still resemble 50/50. Sounds like he wants his kid on paper to gain resources from her.
 
@jonpheretic It is actually a very reasonable request to ask for 100% legal decision making. When a parent clearly violates the law, putting their son in danger, as well as the general public, she is not making sound legal decisions. Hence, why states have statutes that address legal decision making with DUIs in family court. In my state, the only thing the court considers as an exception to losing legal decision making for a minimum of a year, is 6 months of clean U/As.
 
@bobw What you're saying makes sense but he also stated he wanted 100% physical custody while also giving her so much visitation that it still resembles having 50/50 custody. Either way the kiddo will still be "in danger"
 
@jonpheretic Physical custody is the other aspect determined with DUIs in family court. I commented above encouraging him to follow through with the court system. As well stating that I personally do not agree with 50/50 physical visitation while she has to take on all of these new stipulations, as a person beginning their recovery journey (because he is treating her like an alcoholic despite stating she only binges periodically). It would be setting her up for failure and continuing to put the child's safety in jeopardy. She needs something manageable and a court would ensure that. I hope he reconsiders avoiding the courts. Because in order for his stipulations to be legally binding in family law, a judge would have to sign off on their agreement.
 
@blogcerengo1973 Definitely getting the same feeling that a lot of info is being withheld and the court will also sometimes hold both parties responsible and no one has custody of child anymore - this guy has obviously not dealt w civil or criminal law beyond a traffic ticket and lives in a fantasy land where he walks into court and makes a statement everyone agrees w and claps - not how this works in fact they will want to know how he missed the problems she had and agreed to 50 50 they look at both parents as contributing factors, generally speaking
 
Are you aware how expensive interlock devices are- also you can’t just decide you want it the court has to and generally they don’t put interlock in until you have multiple d w i and once it is in it is typically for life - they make you go to special garage s once a month for “recalibrating - they typically are not available locally and they are a scam by the state to beat a dead horse for money- I am actually not against the idea in theory it would probably save a lot of lives but the court turned it into a way to squeeze blood from a stone instead. Just warning you all her money is gonna go for that interlock device if you manage to make. Happen so child support is gonna be second to court fines and having your car towed to interlock locations and paying for their errors w the machinery. I know peple who. Had these things and the stories they told me were such a living hell I would have given up driving to save the haSsle and it would probably be cheaper even having to pay for rides .
 
@fundisi I believe it would probably be best for the courts to be involved with figuring out how to handle the situation. From your own words it's not as though she is an alcoholic, she just occasionally goes on binges. I don't think it's fair for you to strip custody of her for that one day. Now if it was a pattern, I would say something different. I know I'll probably get downloaded for this, but it doesn't sound as though this is a habit. It sounds as though it is more of a occasional thing. I think therapy is entirely reasonable. Has something like this happened before? Does she has any other DUIs on her record? Either way, I would probably ask for the courts input on it. I'm not familiar with what the best course of action would be for a person that has had one DUI arrest.
 
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