“You’re so lucky you can afford to stay home”
- Thread starter merekas
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- rant stay-at-home parents
bioethicsdoc
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@merekas Exactly. Totally agree with you.
People can’t seem to comprehend how we CAN’T afford daycare. My entire paycheck would go into daycare and then some. That’s not counting the sick days I would have to stay home. The gas I’ll be spending extra driving to and from daycare etc.
I thought being a SAHM would be a rich person thing. A privilege. A luxury. But it’s far from it. We have no choice. And I wish more people would understand the sacrifices we are making (my long career for example which I had to give up) to live this life.
People can’t seem to comprehend how we CAN’T afford daycare. My entire paycheck would go into daycare and then some. That’s not counting the sick days I would have to stay home. The gas I’ll be spending extra driving to and from daycare etc.
I thought being a SAHM would be a rich person thing. A privilege. A luxury. But it’s far from it. We have no choice. And I wish more people would understand the sacrifices we are making (my long career for example which I had to give up) to live this life.
@merekas Tbf some people’s spouse simply do not make enough $$ to cover even the basics for a family. So it is true that many truly cannot afford for one parent to stay home.
However, it is also true that some people just don’t want to do without life’s little luxuries, like eating out, etc. Which, is a valid lifestyle choice. Though they might view it as not being able to afford to make it on one income, but in reality it’s more about not being willing to make the sacrifices you are making.
So I think both of these types are out there. I could see you being annoyed by comments from people definitely in the second group, but remember there are definitely plenty in the first also! Where even that “little bit” of money leftover after childcare is essential to the household.
However, it is also true that some people just don’t want to do without life’s little luxuries, like eating out, etc. Which, is a valid lifestyle choice. Though they might view it as not being able to afford to make it on one income, but in reality it’s more about not being willing to make the sacrifices you are making.
So I think both of these types are out there. I could see you being annoyed by comments from people definitely in the second group, but remember there are definitely plenty in the first also! Where even that “little bit” of money leftover after childcare is essential to the household.
katrina2017
New member
@merekas Same here except I’m being judged for staying home instead of going to get a job like a real woman to help my husband provide for us because we are struggling. My son just turned a year old and I’m still breastfeeding though only 2-4 times a day now. My son rejected both bottles and formula so until he started on baby food I was his ONLY source of food. I had to stop pumping after about 4 months because it was either i pump or I get some much needed sleep. I was suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety and wasn’t diagnosed until 5 months postpartum.
Also, I have no way to get him in daycare until after I get a job and even then I won’t be able to afford it. My MIL will be babysitting for me but not until mid-March for several reasons. So I’m stuck. But I still get comments about “your poor husband. He’s tired” “i feel bad for your husband” etc.
People don’t understand. Being a SAHP is a full time job. It’s not just “playing with babies” like my mom thinks. You don’t get to go home after a long day at home caring for a baby and just put your feet up, mentally check out, and watch tv or play a game until dinner. You’re on the clock 24/7. The parents who go to work get a mental break from caring for a small being who can’t take care of itself, or express itself in an understandable way. They get paid for their work and get to leave work at the end of the day.
It seems super easy to feel isolated and depressed when you don’t leave home very often.
I’m lucky I have a husband who understands and knows that he still has to be a father when he gets home. And he is an amazing father
Also, I have no way to get him in daycare until after I get a job and even then I won’t be able to afford it. My MIL will be babysitting for me but not until mid-March for several reasons. So I’m stuck. But I still get comments about “your poor husband. He’s tired” “i feel bad for your husband” etc.
People don’t understand. Being a SAHP is a full time job. It’s not just “playing with babies” like my mom thinks. You don’t get to go home after a long day at home caring for a baby and just put your feet up, mentally check out, and watch tv or play a game until dinner. You’re on the clock 24/7. The parents who go to work get a mental break from caring for a small being who can’t take care of itself, or express itself in an understandable way. They get paid for their work and get to leave work at the end of the day.
It seems super easy to feel isolated and depressed when you don’t leave home very often.
I’m lucky I have a husband who understands and knows that he still has to be a father when he gets home. And he is an amazing father
@greened67 I’m so glad your husband in understanding and a good father and partner!! I get so angry when I see posts where a working parent acts like the SAHP does nothing. Don’t let the judgmental people get you down, there’s providing financially but there’s also providing love, constant care, meals, a clean house (etc). Breastfeeding is also a ton of work that you can’t share if your baby doesn’t take a bottle (mine didn’t either).
@merekas Oh he’s the best!
And yes I felt like such a failure that he didn’t like the bottle. We started him on a bottle at 8 weeks old and he took to it just fine but then my in laws went on vacation for a whole month (MIL was helping me a lot) and I was barely sleeping, my husband suddenly got a lot of hours at work. I quickly got super overwhelmed so the last thing on my mind was giving my son a bottle every day. When the in laws came back he refused to take the bottle. We tried different bottles and everything. Nope. So I’ve carried the guilt ever since because I feel I should’ve done better. Other mothers have done it, why couldn’t I?? But I didn’t know that I was severely depressed and anxious.
One of my son’s docs noticed something was wrong and had me set up an appointment with my doctor who had me go to my therapist. They got so worried they prescribed me meds just in case I needed it. (I never took them because I was scared of what it might do to my son because of the breastfeeding). I felt a lot better after 2 therapy sessions. I still struggle with it but it’s nowhere near as bad as it was. I’d been having suicidal thoughts before seeing my doc about it.
And yes I felt like such a failure that he didn’t like the bottle. We started him on a bottle at 8 weeks old and he took to it just fine but then my in laws went on vacation for a whole month (MIL was helping me a lot) and I was barely sleeping, my husband suddenly got a lot of hours at work. I quickly got super overwhelmed so the last thing on my mind was giving my son a bottle every day. When the in laws came back he refused to take the bottle. We tried different bottles and everything. Nope. So I’ve carried the guilt ever since because I feel I should’ve done better. Other mothers have done it, why couldn’t I?? But I didn’t know that I was severely depressed and anxious.
One of my son’s docs noticed something was wrong and had me set up an appointment with my doctor who had me go to my therapist. They got so worried they prescribed me meds just in case I needed it. (I never took them because I was scared of what it might do to my son because of the breastfeeding). I felt a lot better after 2 therapy sessions. I still struggle with it but it’s nowhere near as bad as it was. I’d been having suicidal thoughts before seeing my doc about it.
@merekas I’m a FTM. Son is turning 6 months at the end of the month… this week he started rolling back to belly and belly to back. I was there for it. If I were at work, I’d be working to pay someone else to watch him reach a milestone. Like you, we made some strict financial arrangements to make sure we can live this “lifestyle.”
dobehatendats810
New member
@merekas Yes absolutely. I was making maybe $20,000 pre-tax a year before having kids working “part time” as a pharmacy tech (so nearly full time hours, but paid hourly and without benefits. In my experience these “part-full time” are the only types of jobs attainable to me). Childcare is about $20,000 for one kid where I live. We have 2. Can you imagine how utterly effing ridiculous it would have been for me to go back to work? If I’m going to be paying money to go somewhere every day, it’s got to be somewhere a hell of a lot more fun than work!
cassandrajakes
New member
@merekas As a SAHM, it takes a lot of energy, planning and consideration to be as frugal as possible. We get the same, "you're so lucky to stay home" but yet I am exhausted and working around clock. I sometimes see posts from parents asking what do you do to fill your time as a SAHP... like how tf do you have spare time? I constantly have to reevaluate my day because I can't achieve all I want to along with school drop off, naps, meals, laundry etc
@merekas Controversial and feel like I can’t even tell anyone I’m a SAHM because it’s seen as such a privilege. And I agree! I feel so incredibly blessed and it’s a privilege, absolutely.
But what they really mean is that they wouldn’t be able to afford their current lifestyle if one person stayed home. That’s quite different!
For reference, I quit a job that makes more than double what my husband will be making. We can’t afford the rent of where we’d been living, and are making huge changes to be able to afford this. But there’s absolutely no number in the world I’d accept to make up for missing these early years. And I know our children care most about having their parents in their lives as much as possible, happy and healthy, with a secure attachment. We’ve always lived far below our means anyway (ironically right until we moved in my third tri; wanted a nicer space for baby that was also close to a daycare), and eating healthy, cooking, being outside, etc along with all the free or low cost activities make it a no brainer for us!
I’m not going to judge others for feeling differently, but it is indeed a choice.
But what they really mean is that they wouldn’t be able to afford their current lifestyle if one person stayed home. That’s quite different!
For reference, I quit a job that makes more than double what my husband will be making. We can’t afford the rent of where we’d been living, and are making huge changes to be able to afford this. But there’s absolutely no number in the world I’d accept to make up for missing these early years. And I know our children care most about having their parents in their lives as much as possible, happy and healthy, with a secure attachment. We’ve always lived far below our means anyway (ironically right until we moved in my third tri; wanted a nicer space for baby that was also close to a daycare), and eating healthy, cooking, being outside, etc along with all the free or low cost activities make it a no brainer for us!
I’m not going to judge others for feeling differently, but it is indeed a choice.