How do people afford kids????

[mercifulwoman]

@mandyonfire It's not nothing, but I could very easily make that part time freelancing from home.

Socialization for baby & mom is huge and not something I had thought a lot about. I have been thinking a lot about the expense being just temporary and it would get better once the kid is old enough to go to school (we have free pre-k here which is nice, but it's only a couple hours a day)

That's what I've been thinking about.. we have a salary and assets higher than a ton of people who have kids, and they all make it work, so why couldn't we?

 

[peterjohnson123]

@mercifulwoman this is where I am stuck at!

 

[freebestrecipes]

@mercifulwoman Public assistance for a while. Not forever. That's the only way me and my son didn't starve to death, die of illness, or became homeless. Im happy to no longer need it now

 

[sportmom]

@mercifulwoman My husband and I will have made about 200k this year, and we maxed out our Roth IRAs and 401k. We have one mortgage (~$2600/month) and have been paying off a big HVAC project (~$2400/month). On top of that I've been putting $100/month to my student loans (which are getting paid off this month), home renovations, and we have been paying for various vacation and travel. We went to Mexico in May, several 4-7 day trips throughout the year, and bought flights for a spring trip to Japan. Even after all that, we've been able to save $500-1k/month depending on expenses.

Based on your other comments, it seems like you and your husband are not 100% on the same page with expenses. From your responses it sounds like your mortgage payments are pretty much covered so where is the bulk of your money going? You should definitely sit down and categorize your expenses and see where most money is going.

For us, this year was a good 'test' in affording childcare. The HVAC payment of $2400/month is about double the going rate for daycare at the center near us. I figure the $2400 is probably representative of added costs and/or lost income if we cut back on our hours after having a kiddo. It felt like money was tight-ish but there was enough cushion to go on trips and out to eat. For reference we live in a medium to high COL area.

 

[mercifulwoman]

@sportmom "From your responses it sounds like your mortgage payments are pretty much covered so where is the bulk of your money going?" I don't know, and that's the most frustrating part. We're not contributing anything to any investment accounts or even paying taxes upfront on all our freelance income. We don't go out much. We're not taking any trips. We've sat down and looked at what we're spending money on but feels like it changes all the time. It seems like we're going to have to sit down again and have another hard talk about tackling home projects, because that's the only thing I can think of for where all of our money is going.

 

[sportmom]

@mercifulwoman Yeah that is so hard/confusing!! I think some credit cards have a way to set up notifications if you spend over X amount. You could also try just using cash for a month and see what happens. Like try taking out $1000 up front at the start of the month, or some amount each week. Try to only use cash. See where you're spending it and how quickly it goes. That might help too.

I feel like with your incomes you can definitely figure something out! Just getting to the bottom of where your money is going and sticking to a budget will be key.

As a side note, a couple years ago we were in a similar boat and struggling to save money. We looked at our past 3 or 4 months of credit card statements and it turned out we were spending like hundreds of dollars a month at target and had no idea what we had been buying... so I totally empathize with where you are at!

 

[jtlembke]

@mercifulwoman $15k is a lot of extra money. Kiddo will get great social benefits from being in daycare and if you find a job with a pension then that’s a big reason it would be worth it.

 

[paulk6454]

@mercifulwoman First off I want to say this isn’t coming from a place of judgement, just genuine bewilderment… where is the money going? We make half that in a high cost of living state (I think top 3?) and do just fine. Based on your other comments you’ve got at least a grand a month going out the door on debt payments. We tend to live off of the mentality of “if we need it, buy it outright. If we want it, save for it.” Unless you’re traveling great distances on your own dime each month, there’s no reason to be barely making ends meet at that high of a pay scale. I’d go over every single penny spent and see what’s bare bones (groceries, car and house expenses) and once you have that figure, see where the rest is going. From there, cut what isn’t necessary. Do you go out to eat a lot? Coffee? Have any expensive hobbies that can be put on hold so you can save? Go over finances with your husband and maybe a financial advisor too. Also him not supporting you after only a couple months of switching jobs would have me furious. Maybe also consider talking about division of labor and what support he’ll provide when there are kids in the mix.

 

[mercifulwoman]

@paulk6454 I guess I inadvertently misrepresented debt that we have. I always hear horror stories of people in tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt and we don’t have any of that so I tend to forget that the other stuff counts as debts. We have three mortgages, two of which are rental properties and the profit from those covers all three mortgages (that rental income is included in the 180k though, it’s about 130k without which should still be enough) $1,000/ month in auto, student loan, window loan payment. We eat out about once a week. I shop at a local organic co op which is pricey but I make almost everything from scratch (think $8 bag of flour that makes hundreds of tortillas vs $5 for a bag of 8 tortillas kind of a thing)
Our house is probably the biggest expense since my husband has a million house projects and it’s becoming (been?) a money pit.

Divisional of labor is less of a concern. My husband is extremely high strung and productive, I struggle with ADHD. I’ve learned a lot of coping mechanisms and do okay but it’s very hard for me.
Right now it’s about
Meals: 90 me / 10 husband
Cleaning: 75 me / 25 husband
Laundry: 75 husband / 25 me
Pet care: 75 me / 25 husband
Outdoor: 100% husband
Home improvement: 100% husband
The vast majority of the ‘emotional labor’ of running the house (remembering we are due for a doctor’s appt, dentist appt, oil change, etc.) falls entirely on my husband because I struggle a lot with remembering things like that.

I think the division of labor is why my husband is pushing for earning income to be more evenly split, to match how the household labor is split.

 

[paulk6454]

@mercifulwoman Ah ok! Nope, debt is anything you owe money to as far as I interpret it. House projects are so expensive!! We did a huge remodel and it felt never ending. I’d definitely sit down and have a conversation about how much money you want dedicated to that and the timeline. Doing it all yourself saves money but it also lengthens the timeline.

We’re wtt for our last babe and have two already. The division of labor will for sure need a touch reworking. For example, I had an awful first trimester both times. I gagged every time I touched a dish in the sink and didn’t have the energy to do any of the basic tasks I usually do. Postpartum it takes about a month of me doing solely baby care. Is taking on all household chores something he’s ok with? Even temporarily it can be a huge strain. A baby is a huge change and takes time to find your footing. All of these things kind of do best if they’re discussed prior. Morning sickness, when your body hurts in the last month and all in between.

 

[tim_o]

@mercifulwoman Whether or not to stay home or work is a personal decision, and it doesn’t hang on dollar amount alone. I would map out the scenarios and also consider what you value. If you can find a part time job and that’s what you’d prefer to do for a couple years over starting a new career, then great.

On the question of how people afford things, frankly you just adapt. The good news is if you’re making ends meet on a $180k salary with no debt, then it’s likely just a matter of looking at your lifestyle spending. That’s good news because you can make those changes, you just have to be disciplined about it. Take a look at your line item spending and be honest about what can be cut. For us, we used to easily spend $1k/mo on takeout, and my shopping habits are bad. That can be scaled down though when your priorities change.

 

[arqo]

@mercifulwoman Would your husband be open to the possibility of you being a SAHM at least for the first year and seeing how it goes? Baby day-care is the most expensive. If you want to breastfeed, that's also easier if you stay at home, and then you don't have to buy formula. Baby is also less likely to get sick if you stay at home. It's also so much easier to deal with sleep regressions if you can sleep in and nap when the baby does.

I'm assuming you're in the US and don't have a year-long maternity leave. There's a reason other countries offer that.

In terms of money, idk, I have a 15-month-old and stay at home in a MCOL city. Husband makes $95k plus benefits. Our rent is $1550/month for a 2 bedroom, and we have 2 fully paid off cars. Grocery budget of $900-1000/month (that includes paper towels, diapers, and other household consumables). Insurance for me + baby is $200/month through my husband's work. We only eat out on special occasions, and we utilize a lot of hand-me-downs and used clothes/baby stuff. But we still buy some new clothes, stuff for our hobbies, and some domestic travel to see family. We probably won't be able to buy a SFH in this high-rate environment but we are shopping for an owner-occupied 4-plex. Lol, don't know if you were genuinely asking how people were affording kids or if it was more of a vent, but we do and don't feel financial pressure.

 

[angelica009]

@mercifulwoman They don’t. That’s the reality. Most average families are barely scraping by. They live paycheck to paycheck, have little to no savings, and rely heavily on credit.

I’ve been struggling with the same thoughts recently. We’ll be bringing in about $120k before taxes next year and it’ll still be a stretch to have a child and still save for retirement/their college education, which is an absolute necessity for us personally.

What bothers me the most about all of this is that people still pressure us to have kids and “just figure it out!”. It’s been driving me insane and I’ve become less polite in my responses lately. It’s like… I don’t want to “figure it out” I want to be able to provide for my child and enjoy being a parent. Seeing what some of my friends and family go through to make ends meet, and the negative effects it has on their children, is sad. I don’t want to live like that and us having waited a few extra years will make such a difference. Of course, the “must be nice” comments have already started now.

I would take a look at your spending to see where all your money is going. Do you have expensive car loans? Paying off debt? Big mortgage payment? See where you can trim!

 

[mercifulwoman]

@angelica009 Only car loan is one for $250/month which seems like very little. We don't have much debt. Our mortgage payments are definitely on the larger side (we own two rental properties and our own house) we're about to sell 1 of the rental properties. I think my husband is a heavier spender than me. In his eyes, it's all practical stuff (fixing up the house, expensive tools to fix up the house, etc.) but it's hard when we set a budget and he doesn't follow it because he think they're justifiable expenses. We don't really buy things, don't go out much, and I'm pretty frugal so it's upsetting.. I don't know why we're still struggling to make ends meet when on paper it should be easy.

 

[sportmom]

@mercifulwoman I mean you have identified the issue right there. Your husband is spending money when you do not agree on the expenses. You are making budgets and he's not respecting it. My husband is a woodworker and buys tools for that and we also enjoy home renovation. But for any large purchases we are 100% discussing and agreeing on them first. This spending is clearly having an effect on you and should be reigned in somehow.

 

[mercifulwoman]

@sportmom I agree with all that. We made the budget together and he usually does talk to me about big purchases. I think the issue is the little purchases adding up. He talked to me about buying a dust collector and we agreed it was okay, but then came a couple small visits to the hardware store for piping and other stuff for the dust collector that wasn’t communicated before, and it’s suddenly it’s another $500+ dollars.

 

[sportmom]

@mercifulwoman Oooof yeah, I understand this all too well. My husband wanted to 'finish' the walls of the basement to make hanging tools up easier and that turned into a $900 purchase of materials (some of which are still sitting around in our basement)

 

[angelica009]

@mercifulwoman Hmmm it seems to boil down to a priorities thing. He prioritizes home improvement more than you. Which is fine that he does and fine that you don’t, but you do need to find common ground. The solution shouldn’t be for him to completely disregard the budget. Definitely don’t start a family until you figure out how to agree and stick to the budget. Finances are a big reason behind many divorced and things will only get tighter when you add a child to the mix.

It sounds like he might be into home improvement as a hobby and not just a chore. It would be a good idea to really hammer down essential vs non essential home projects.

 

[mercifulwoman]

@angelica009 I agree. It was never a problem we had until we bought this house.

 

[angelica009]

@mercifulwoman I would have a few more serious discussions about budgeting and pricing out projects/supplies before they’re purchased. He really can’t be overspending so often like that, it’s just not sustainable.