How do people afford kids????

[rightway2truth]

@mercifulwoman She had a bunch of different plans ranging from a one time meeting to monthly meetings for a year. It’s been like 4 years though so I can’t remember, sorry!! We were making significantly less money though (students) at the time so it couldn’t have been more than like $100 for the one (1.5 hour) meeting we had.

 

[greenrock]

@mercifulwoman Well just to compare situations, we live in a high cost of living area and make $85k a year. Making $180k you should be fairly comfortable. We just make it work. I’m a SAHM (I was a teacher before) and we live in a basement suite. Also our car is as old as I am. I get that it’s not the kind of lifestyle everyone wants but for us, having kids was more important. We still get to do lots with our “fun money” - shopping secondhand, aquarium membership, occasionally eating out… and our Christmas tree has plenty of gifts underneath it this year.

We saved up around $100k from while I was still working, and my parents offered to help supplement our down payment so we are now looking to buy a 2-bedroom condo.

In your situation, it’s still worth it to work if you enjoy working and it fulfills you. But if you feel like being a SAHM appeals to you, that should be a valid option too considering your husband’s salary. It does eliminate the major cost of daycare. It sounds like you guys could take a look at your budget and see if there are any areas where you need to cut back (it’s hard obviously when you’re used to your current lifestyle!) or any debts you need to clear etc.

 

[mercifulwoman]

@greenrock I enjoy working and it fulfills me, but I have to give up my career anyway (I travel for a living right now) I'm happy to give up my career to be a mom... but I have very little interest in working a job I'm not passionate about for zero money and never getting to see the kid. We're definitely going to sit down and look at our budget. We've tried to in the past but it's really hard to set and stick to a budget when we're both freelance and our income fluctuates each month

 

[alexey57]

@mercifulwoman I would make a spreadsheet to see where your money is going. We make considerably less (110k) in a HCOL area and still save about 3k a month while saving for retirement and investing. We do this by resisting “lifestyle creep.” When we got big raises, our lifestyle stayed exactly the same.

If your husband makes 6 figures, you guys should be fine. If you want to work, that’s great! But it’s concerning to me that you say he may resent you if you were to make less money in the first year of your child’s life.

 

[mercifulwoman]

@alexey57 I agree. We've done that but it's hard to make and stick to a budget when we both freelance and our monthly incomes fluctuate each month. We do need to crack down and spend less but it's hard because it doesn't *feel* like we're big spenders.

It's concerning to me too... my husband is very high strung and productive, I can be more chill (I also have inattentive ADHD which I really struggle with, but I try really hard to overcome it.) I think his concern comes from constantly burning himself out and then feeling like I'm not doing enough. I've brought up multiple times that it wouldn't be fair to expect me to contribute an average salary while also being the sole primary caregiver for our baby (he travels for work) which he's agreed with me on, but I feel like that will go out the window when our finances are stretched thin and he's burnt himself out again.

As an example, we bought an older fixer upper home close to our parents last year to prepare to start a family. I had hoped I could start planting the seeds to be able to freelance from home so we could have a kid, and warned my husband it would take some time to find clients and get my business off the ground in a new area. About 3 months in after a lot of fights about how I wasn't making any money, I caved and had to go back to traveling for a living (which my husband doesn't want me to do, because I can't have a kid and do that.. there's been some talk of how I'm just 'kicking the can down the road..' by continuing to tour, but it doesn't seem like I've had any other choice..) Yesterday I was working on a freelance project and showed him and he said "Wow! You're good at that! Why didn't you pursue doing that for a living?" :-|

 

[peccatoris]

@mercifulwoman After reading your comments, I think the biggest thing that needs to be worked on/figured out before you guys TTC is him learning to be more flexible. He sounds like he has a very rigid sense of how things should be but almost to an unattainable point. Tbh it seems like he is the one "kicking the can down the road" by coming up with all these barriers but not being receptive or flexible to any solution that would allow you guys to start trying for a kid. Some self-work on his part would fix most of these issues - it really doesn't seem like a money issue at all.

And since tone is hard to convey in text, I'm not trying to bash him or anything, I know this is only a small snapshot of you guys. But being flexible will definitely be something he will need to work on for many situations in life to come, especially once you guys do get to the point of having kids.

 

[mercifulwoman]

@peccatoris I agree 100%. I think he has some insane expectations he places on himself, on me, on everyone around him and the world in general. I also think there's some untreated/undiagnosed OCD.

 

[alexey57]

@mercifulwoman I salute you for dealing with a high strung partner lol. I’m sure he’s great most of the time, but, oh my gosh, what you described would irritate me. Hats off to you.

If you both are serious about starting a family in the near future, maybe sit down to discuss expectations for work-life balance and try to find a compromise that considers both your long term career goals and the desire to start a family. There has to be a level of acceptance that your circumstances will change a lot when you have a baby. Maybe in his mind, you making less money equates to a bigger change, meaning he has less control. Even if that’s the case, it’s not fair of him to react that way. Combined, you guys are making more money than most and the fact that he blew up on you for “not making enough” tells me he needs to chill out a bit.

I’m all for financial stability before having a baby but it’s possible he needs to do a bit of self reflecting on what he really wants. Part of parenthood is learning to be flexible and making it work with what you have. I wish you both luck!

 

[mercifulwoman]

@alexey57 It does irritate me But he has a million other great qualities aside from the few difficult ones. I think part of truly loving someone is accepting the parts of them that make them feel like a royal pain in the ass lol. The worse thing for me that he does what I like to call "hates the problem, also hates the solution" That thing where people are upset about a problem so you offer some solutions, which they also hate and are upset about, my response now has just become "Okay well have fun being mad then!"

He always goes on about how he 'doesn't want more work in his life' while simultaneously wanting kids, and I have to remind him that kids are 'the most work' Last night he corrected me and said "I didn't say I won't want more work, I said I don't want more responsibilities!" while we we talking about wanting kids... That one just got a blank stare and a reminder that kids are literally the biggest responsibility you could ever possibly sign up for.

 

[rewind2grace]

@mercifulwoman If he would resent you for taking care of your children for no pay the you have a relationship problem. You are a family not roommates and just because your labor as a SAHM is unpaid doesn’t mean it’s not equally valuable. It sounds like you would have money left over after daycare if you did work so you could afford to do that as well.

 

[mercifulwoman]

@rewind2grace I think there’s more of a conversation to be had, but I don’t think his anxieties over finances are unwarranted since we can barely make ends meet as is.

 

[rewind2grace]

@mercifulwoman That makes sense. There’s a lot we don’t see with just a few sentences. I hope you can come to an understanding with each other

 

[hughestimo]

@mercifulwoman Before the kids are in school, I think that the budget is tight for most families, or they're blessed free child care. My cousin joked that she was happy when her daughter was old enough for school because Catholic school is so much cheaper than daycare.

What does your budget and monthly expenses look like? We have similar household incomes and COL areas and despite a few major expenses the last year, we're thankfully doing OK.

Do you have car payments, student loans, or do you go out to eat a lot?

 

[mercifulwoman]

@hughestimo Only 1 car payment for $250, and only 1 student loan payment thats always around $250 each month (it's my husband's), we do have a $500 monthly payment for some new windows we financed earlier this year, and 3 mortgages (2 rental properties) but the profit on the rental basically covers all the mortgages. We eat out maybe once or twice a week, I cook 90% of our meals from scratch but we do shop at the local organic co-op which is right by our house, I think we're going to have to switch to Aldi.

We bought a fixer upper last year and I think sometimes my husband doesn't know how to slow down on tackling projects. Our biggest expense seems to be the endless money pit of a 100 year old house... But there's the argument that in order to have a kid, we should have the house ready for a kid.

 

[tim_o]

@mercifulwoman I think you need to sit down and get perspective on your cash flow. You said you don’t have debt but you do have debt - $1k month on loans at least, not counting anything you’re putting on your credit cards or spending for the fixer upper. I imagine there are also costs for repairs on the rentals if you don’t have a pool of funds for that. Someone suggested financial planner and that’s a great idea!

 

[mercifulwoman]

@tim_o I guess that's true. I don't think about the student loans because they're my husband's, and neither of us carry a balance on our credit cards. Looking into finding a financial planner now.

 

[tim_o]

@mercifulwoman If the $180k is household income then your debts are also household debt. There are also tools like you need a budget (YNAB) that’s supposed to help with planning too; my friend uses that one and loves it!

 

[hughestimo]

@mercifulwoman Buying new homes can be expensive! And maintaining a few properties can also be a lot. Once you're done with some renovations you should hopefully have more disposable income.

Regarding the rentals, are they priced competitively or do you have stable tenants? Hopefully you'll get a good payment from the sale of a house and use that for your debts.

I would go through your expenses for the last 3 months and categorize everything into bills, needs, and wants. Then you can see where your money is going, I would also look into talking to a financial advisor.

 

[cisty]

@mercifulwoman CW: sub grad

Wanna hear something funny? I wrote the exact same thing in a draft in this sub 3 years ago. We ended up waiting for two more years before trying, and it came after doubling my salary through promotions that I worked very hard for.

+1 to the comment saying that your social security credits, contributions to private retirement accounts, personal identity, child socialization, and career trajectory are NOT nothing. 5-15k annually is absolutely NOT nothing. That's the difference between debt and not debt, saving for retirement vs not, having a vacation or not going.

Also to note, when we've had to keep our kid home because he's sick, it's really difficult to get anything done. They need and deserve constant supervision and attention, so part-time freelance at home work might not be the solution you think it is.

On the other hand, if you aren't active in r/personalfinance or r/MoneyDiariesACTIVE, there are a lot of posts there about the daily finances of having kids. If you aren't budgeting or at the very least tracking your expenses and feel like you aren't able to make ends meet, that's a great place to start improving.

 

[mandyonfire]

@mercifulwoman I mean, $5-15,000 isn’t nothing. I will say, though, I have similar feelings that you have.

One thing I keep going back to, is that socialization at daycare will be great for my kid and it will be important for me personally to maintain a life outside of mom life.

I also am trying to remember that childcare costs are not forever. They will go to public school and that will help a lot. In the meantime, hopefully as I continue to work I get raises and my salary increases over time.

I also try to remember that people find ways to make it work. People with less money than we make find ways to make it work in the same area I live in. Will things be tight for a while? Yes. But we will find a way, and are working in advance to plan the way, and I have trust in our ability to do that successfully.