“You’re so lucky you can afford to stay home”
- Thread starter merekas
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- rant stay-at-home parents
@merekas I’m just curious if you worry about the long term implications of being out of the workforce for however many years? Yes childcare would take up a huge chunk of your salary but if you plan to go back to work once they’re old enough for public school will you be hurt from the gap in employment? I only ask because I never planned to quit work forever but I had 3 kids in 6 years and now I am 40yo and cannot even get a callback on my resume. I used to work for massive corporations and have a lot of impressive experience but six years out of the game and I’m basically done for. Not to mention the promotions I missed out on. I was primed for management roles but quit just before that so I don’t even have 40yo levels of experience. I hadn’t considered that when I quit working.
@alina11 I’m only 26 and hadn’t established a career before having a baby. I’ve always worked in restaurants (mostly kitchens as a line cook/supervisor and once a manager). So if I wanted to return to that it’d be pretty easy to work my way up quickly. But whether I return to work next year or in 5 years if I do anything outside of the restaurant industry I’ll be starting from scratch. It may be tougher when I’m older but I think I’ll be okay with that since I had an opportunity to be home w my baby (or babies if I stay home with future children)
@merekas We’re in the same boat. My husband is a nurse, and he works three 12-hour over nights every-other weekend (36 hours every two weeks). So less than half time. He stays home with our son all the other days, while I work as a teacher M-F. We are saving money and our sanity by doing it this way, although it may eventually change. Child care is so expensive, though! I think a lot of people do it because they don’t want to lose their career trajectory and/or they need it for their own mental health. Parenting is so hard.
@merekas It's partially financial for me, partially also just what we wanted to do. Like if the finances were there, I'd probably send my kids to part-time childcare for socialization and whatnot.
When I see people online make comments about how someone can "afford to stay home," I do like to point out that many people these days are doing it because they can't afford to work. Like another commenter here, I assume that other moms may think like this because they are working or have to work and can't imagine being able to make things work without their job/salary. Or maybe they're jealous because they'd love to stay home, but just can't. I'm not here to judge anyone or be an asshole, but for instance when I see a random comment (sometimes not even in parenting subs) about SAHMs being a "luxury,"- I will correct it. Because I think honestly the costs of childcare and lack of maternity leave in the US are serious problems for society right now, and I want to bring more awareness to that.
When I see people online make comments about how someone can "afford to stay home," I do like to point out that many people these days are doing it because they can't afford to work. Like another commenter here, I assume that other moms may think like this because they are working or have to work and can't imagine being able to make things work without their job/salary. Or maybe they're jealous because they'd love to stay home, but just can't. I'm not here to judge anyone or be an asshole, but for instance when I see a random comment (sometimes not even in parenting subs) about SAHMs being a "luxury,"- I will correct it. Because I think honestly the costs of childcare and lack of maternity leave in the US are serious problems for society right now, and I want to bring more awareness to that.
@merekas Right...it's not luck, it's necessity and discipline. It does feel like they're minimizing the work us SAHPs do to save money for our households. Cooking, budgeting, household upkeep are all things that save us thousands in the long run. I consider that working towards the income, for sure. The pendulum has swung too far the other way and now there's a false stigma 
amoretpax199
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jerryharkins
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@merekas I think depending on the person and how detailed you want to get, you can go with either:
A) "Honestly with the cost of childcare, we're hardly losing anything financially by having me at home"
Or B) "I do feel really lucky to get to have this time with him/her/them "
Or a combination of the two. Because hopefully you do feel lucky, even if you're not rolling in extra cash.
I know it can be annoying to have people make incorrect assumptions about your life, but rather than letting it bug you, you can either gently set them straight, or just roll with it and focus on the part that's true.
A) "Honestly with the cost of childcare, we're hardly losing anything financially by having me at home"
Or B) "I do feel really lucky to get to have this time with him/her/them "
Or a combination of the two. Because hopefully you do feel lucky, even if you're not rolling in extra cash.
I know it can be annoying to have people make incorrect assumptions about your life, but rather than letting it bug you, you can either gently set them straight, or just roll with it and focus on the part that's true.
qwerty2012
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@merekas Raises hand
We got married right after I graduated college (literally planned the wedding for 3 weeks after). It was right at the time of the recession, and I struggled to find work, despite having 2 degrees. With my husband being 2 years ahead of and already having a steady job, we decided to just have the kids then so they when I went back to work I wouldn't have to worry about maternity leave. Stupid us: we didn't consider the cost of childcare vs the low income of a starting position a few years down the line. So I was stuck being a SAHM until the kids started school. 11 years. At one point, I tried getting a job, but the job was awful, unpredictable, and we barely broke even with the cost of daycare for (at the time) 2 kids.
I decided to quit and wait until all the kids were in school full time. That time came and it has taken me 2 years to get a job (nobody wants to hire someone who's been out of work and school for over a decade). It's not the field I wanted: it's at the school, dealing with middle schoolers. The hours and vacations are incredibly convenient, but the job is not fun. I feel like I wasted 6 years of my life in college, since I'm not using either of my degrees. The job also comes with fantastic health insurance coverage at a rather cheap price, so when factoring in how much we're saving compared to what we paid for health insurance through my husband's work, I'm making a ton. But that only makes me feel more stuck. If I leave, we're going to lose that.
I don't want to be in the job for the rest of my career (30+ years!). I want a M-F, 8-5 job where I can do what I've always wanted to do (what I went to school for), where I can work and advance in my career, and where I don't have to deal with petty arguments or worry about fights breaking out at any second of the day. Is that what everybody dreams? Maybe. But now I feel like I'll never get that.
We got married right after I graduated college (literally planned the wedding for 3 weeks after). It was right at the time of the recession, and I struggled to find work, despite having 2 degrees. With my husband being 2 years ahead of and already having a steady job, we decided to just have the kids then so they when I went back to work I wouldn't have to worry about maternity leave. Stupid us: we didn't consider the cost of childcare vs the low income of a starting position a few years down the line. So I was stuck being a SAHM until the kids started school. 11 years. At one point, I tried getting a job, but the job was awful, unpredictable, and we barely broke even with the cost of daycare for (at the time) 2 kids.
I decided to quit and wait until all the kids were in school full time. That time came and it has taken me 2 years to get a job (nobody wants to hire someone who's been out of work and school for over a decade). It's not the field I wanted: it's at the school, dealing with middle schoolers. The hours and vacations are incredibly convenient, but the job is not fun. I feel like I wasted 6 years of my life in college, since I'm not using either of my degrees. The job also comes with fantastic health insurance coverage at a rather cheap price, so when factoring in how much we're saving compared to what we paid for health insurance through my husband's work, I'm making a ton. But that only makes me feel more stuck. If I leave, we're going to lose that.
I don't want to be in the job for the rest of my career (30+ years!). I want a M-F, 8-5 job where I can do what I've always wanted to do (what I went to school for), where I can work and advance in my career, and where I don't have to deal with petty arguments or worry about fights breaking out at any second of the day. Is that what everybody dreams? Maybe. But now I feel like I'll never get that.
edgeofglory
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@merekas At first I became a SAHM because I lost my job. I was a day care teacher and they closed down but I took my daughter with me and got a huge discount. Once I lost my job I realized I would be paying $300+ a week for her to go to another daycare. It’s been 6 years now and I was just waiting for my youngest to go into kindergarten to get a job, now when he’s finally going into kindergarten, my best friend is having a baby and going to pay me to watch her baby so I guess technically still gonna be a SAHM
I do love being a SAHM, but I recently started doing insta cart 3 days a week while my son is in pre school so that’s been nice to get out of the house a little bit.
I do love being a SAHM, but I recently started doing insta cart 3 days a week while my son is in pre school so that’s been nice to get out of the house a little bit.
@merekas I wanted to be a stay at home mom, 100%.
However, our area and situation would have made it a necessity. We live in a daycare 'desert' (ONE licensed day care in the entire county, only has space for less than 10 infants), I wouldn't even be bringing $80 per week home after taxes, insurance, and daycare costs. We would not qualify for any subsidies to help cover daycare costs, because we make too much (even on just mt husbands income we make too much). Both my husband and I are/were working jobs where 3rd or 2nd shift are/were our only options, and even if one of us did [miraculously] get on 1st shift the hours still would not work with daycare opening times.
We went into parenthood knowing that we wanted to do whatever was necessary to make me staying home possible, but now there is no other choice. I am thankful this is something we both wanted, as I believe it would be extremely stressful if one or both of us did not want this kind of home life set up.
However, our area and situation would have made it a necessity. We live in a daycare 'desert' (ONE licensed day care in the entire county, only has space for less than 10 infants), I wouldn't even be bringing $80 per week home after taxes, insurance, and daycare costs. We would not qualify for any subsidies to help cover daycare costs, because we make too much (even on just mt husbands income we make too much). Both my husband and I are/were working jobs where 3rd or 2nd shift are/were our only options, and even if one of us did [miraculously] get on 1st shift the hours still would not work with daycare opening times.
We went into parenthood knowing that we wanted to do whatever was necessary to make me staying home possible, but now there is no other choice. I am thankful this is something we both wanted, as I believe it would be extremely stressful if one or both of us did not want this kind of home life set up.
@merekas I’ve been at home since my oldest was 6 mos…I had no business being home financially at that time. My husband worked part time, I was the main income. In a span of 3 months my husband found a full time job, I quit, and picked up a nanny gig for a kid his same age. We made it by, and I’ve been home ever since. When we only had one child, and we didn’t know whether we’d have more due to secondary infertility, it was much more of a desire to ensure that he was well taken care of and to ensure my husband could pursue his career without the pressure of worrying about who was going to be home for sick days and school breaks. We have triplets now, they’re about to go to kindergarten- there’s no way we could have afforded daycare x3 even if I was working. I’m home for the foreseeable future for much the same reasons as above - school break, sick days, etc. as well as my oldest being in a university-style school which requires a parent home on the home study days. We are in a different place now financially but we do sacrifice to have me home - the kids love it and so do I.
@merekas It is still a privilege and try to be sensitive to people who literally can't do it. It must be heart breaking. I know moms who teach. Their entire income goes to daycare for 2. But they still have to teach so their families will have health insurance. These things happen unfortunately. I'm in the same boat as you, we live on a shoestring budget so I can stay home because most of my income would go to day are anyways. But I know that I am blessed to have this option at all.
@merekas "Are you offering to watch all three under three for free while I work, and you make dinner, and play taxi for their several appointments so I can work? No? Oh. I mean... I was just wondering, cause I definitely can't afford it but I also can't leave them in a cage all day, you know? It's not like Dad has a 9-5 either, and you know that..."
That used to cut and redirect conversation quite fast. I burned bridges that way, but I still don't care.
That used to cut and redirect conversation quite fast. I burned bridges that way, but I still don't care.
@merekas I definitely don't think the finances would make sense for me to try to work full-time. But at the same time, I feel very fortunate to be a stay-at-home-dad in a society that has normalized two parents working.
It does take work and lifestyle planning to make it work. I work a few part-time roles at times my wife isn't working. We're a one-car family, my wife has arranged over time to get a very short commute which lets me have the car some days. We watch our money (lately really cutting down on eating out, which side-benefit is healthier). We get most of his clothes from Facebook Marketplace or Value Village. Many books also come from Value Village, toys from Facebook Marketplace. (Second-hand and thrifting is a great thing and also gives everything a longer life.) We're very fortunate to have bought our house from family before the housing prices skyrocketed.
Also fyi we live in Canada. I don't know how well things would work in the US.
It does take work and lifestyle planning to make it work. I work a few part-time roles at times my wife isn't working. We're a one-car family, my wife has arranged over time to get a very short commute which lets me have the car some days. We watch our money (lately really cutting down on eating out, which side-benefit is healthier). We get most of his clothes from Facebook Marketplace or Value Village. Many books also come from Value Village, toys from Facebook Marketplace. (Second-hand and thrifting is a great thing and also gives everything a longer life.) We're very fortunate to have bought our house from family before the housing prices skyrocketed.
Also fyi we live in Canada. I don't know how well things would work in the US.
@merekas Yes and no... my husband is the high earner making 4x what I used to make. Most of my paycheck would have gone to childcare, I definitely wasn't making minimum wage but we live in a HCOL area. So while we technically could have afforded for me to work and pay for childcare, it just didn't make sense.
Then you've got my sister... she makes about as much as her husband (actually more than him, but it's close). They could live off of his salary alone if they really had to, but they can't justify missing out on her salary because she has such a high earning potential. I have a much lower earning potential. It's almost like she's being punished for working her ass off her whole life to get to where she got. Meanwhile, I struggled in school a bit, so im a lower earner... and I get to stay home with my kids. I'm being rewarded for being less successful. She tries not to hold resentment towards me, but she is incredibly jealous (she openly admits it) and its like pouring salt on the wound whenever I talk about our days at home together and whatnot. And I don't blame her, I do feel bad for her and absolutely understand why her and her husband have made the decisions they have.
Anyway, I dont get miffed when someone says that I'm so lucky I can afford to stay home. I think of my sister's situation. There are more factors that go into the decision than just the bottom line, but it's a lot easier to word it as "affording to stay home" as opposed to "being able to justify staying home because it works best for your family financially." I don't envy my sister at all, I know that I'm fortunate to be able to stay at home with my daughter even though it means we have less money. My sister's mama heart is hurting and so do a lot of other working mamas. Tough decisions.
Then you've got my sister... she makes about as much as her husband (actually more than him, but it's close). They could live off of his salary alone if they really had to, but they can't justify missing out on her salary because she has such a high earning potential. I have a much lower earning potential. It's almost like she's being punished for working her ass off her whole life to get to where she got. Meanwhile, I struggled in school a bit, so im a lower earner... and I get to stay home with my kids. I'm being rewarded for being less successful. She tries not to hold resentment towards me, but she is incredibly jealous (she openly admits it) and its like pouring salt on the wound whenever I talk about our days at home together and whatnot. And I don't blame her, I do feel bad for her and absolutely understand why her and her husband have made the decisions they have.
Anyway, I dont get miffed when someone says that I'm so lucky I can afford to stay home. I think of my sister's situation. There are more factors that go into the decision than just the bottom line, but it's a lot easier to word it as "affording to stay home" as opposed to "being able to justify staying home because it works best for your family financially." I don't envy my sister at all, I know that I'm fortunate to be able to stay at home with my daughter even though it means we have less money. My sister's mama heart is hurting and so do a lot of other working mamas. Tough decisions.