@fallingapart I’m an only child and I decided to have just one as well! She can have 100% of my attention and resources. She’s 3 and has a lot of friends who she goes on play dates often with. I don’t personally know any siblings that get along as adults as far as my family and close friends go.
Will I regret only having 1 child?
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fallingapart
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@galworth This is my main reason for only wanting her. Things are so expensive and my husband is currently doing his best to provide for both of us. I work from home part time so we’re in the sweet spot of having enough resources to cover everything and have a little extra. Thank you for your input 
@fallingapart I knew I wanted a second one because I work in healthcare. It sounds crazy but at the hospital I’ve seen the toll it takes on the only child when making sole decisions for their parents in regards to all things- safe discharge plans, life/death decisions, etc. I didn’t want it to just be my daughter one day jn those shoes.
Now that’s crazy and there is no guarantee my kids will even get along enough to do help each other as they grow but I sure will do my best. I want them to be best friends for each other!
Now that’s crazy and there is no guarantee my kids will even get along enough to do help each other as they grow but I sure will do my best. I want them to be best friends for each other!
@k_j As you noted, siblings aren't always best friends, and sometimes downright toxic for each other, and now there's bickering over care plans, possibly leading to worse outcomes for the patient. That's not even thinking about what if the kids move away, can't be there for a parents care, hell what if the kids don't even like their parents. It's not and shouldn't be on them at all to manage.
The onus of end of life care should not be on one's children. Period. They get to show up and grieve, and that's it.
I'm only 41, and my life or death decisions are mine alone and already planned through my will and advanced directives. My estate is already managed. My care is already planned through accounts for in home or facility care. My death and funeral desires are already accounted for and in writing. Etc etc.
Parents need to come to the realization that, in a perfect world, we will die before our children. No getting around it. And then not fear the planning of our own care and deaths, leaving those burdens on our kids.
If (general) you are a parent and you haven't yet...get to a lawyer and get a will drawn up, and get to a doctor to manage your advanced directives.
The onus of end of life care should not be on one's children. Period. They get to show up and grieve, and that's it.
I'm only 41, and my life or death decisions are mine alone and already planned through my will and advanced directives. My estate is already managed. My care is already planned through accounts for in home or facility care. My death and funeral desires are already accounted for and in writing. Etc etc.
Parents need to come to the realization that, in a perfect world, we will die before our children. No getting around it. And then not fear the planning of our own care and deaths, leaving those burdens on our kids.
If (general) you are a parent and you haven't yet...get to a lawyer and get a will drawn up, and get to a doctor to manage your advanced directives.
@seeker01 I completely agree- I was referencing more so hospital courses, helping plan for things that aren’t just death as well. Like in cases with dementia and figuring out where to live (independent living, assisted living) because in reality there’s much worse harder things than death that paperwork doesn’t cover. Like a broken hip and unable to live by yourself anymore. Wanting to make sure your parents are being taken care of in said facilities is also a huge aspect of it.
My perspective with family is family takes care of family. I will always do whatever to take care of my parents or in laws, and I hope with raising my children in a nurturing environment they will come to the same conclusions. This of course will vary family to family. My culture is very much take care of your family though.
My perspective with family is family takes care of family. I will always do whatever to take care of my parents or in laws, and I hope with raising my children in a nurturing environment they will come to the same conclusions. This of course will vary family to family. My culture is very much take care of your family though.
fallingapart
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@k_j I have this exact reasoning for wishing I could give my son a sibling (I'm unable to get pregnant again). Worked in a nursing home for seven years as a social worker and just never wanted my son to have to deal with our old age or illnesses alone. The caveat that I try to remember is that there were also some very nasty and toxic family dynamics with multiple children, but I still think I'd rather have taken that chance than him having to do this alone later in his life. My regret is mostly not even having the option to give him a sibling.
it’s unfair when we don’t even get to make the choice ourself.cipher7836
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@cipher7836 I don’t think you can plan for developing neurodegenerative disorders. It’s a reality for only children who are involved with their parents. There are plenty of people with children who want nothing do with their parents as well. It’s sad! But this could also be the case with siblings, etc as well. Again it totally depends on the family.
jakethedog
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@jakethedog That is so so sad. People do show some terrible colors When money comes into play. I hope I can help raise my children to not be like that. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
fallingapart
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@fallingapart Our son is 3.5 years old. We are just now planning to conceive again and are looking at an almost 5 year age gap now. I could not have entertained the idea of a second before my son was 2. Now at 3.5 our son brings us so much joy it’s propelled us to want a second, and logistically it’s very doable now that he’s more independent.
I was an only child, but I grew up surrounding by many cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles. My childhood was rich - largely because of them. My son won’t have that - we live far away from all our extended family (and there isn’t much of it to begin with anymore). It saddens me that my son won’t have that kind of wealth I experienced in my childhood. On top of simply wanting the joy of a second child, it brings me some peace knowing that there is still a chance for me to expand his support system growing up by having a four person family.
Anyway, my advice is your child is still a baby. Revisit every year or so if you’re still content. Your feelings could change or you could become more firm in your feeling that one is perfect.
I was an only child, but I grew up surrounding by many cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles. My childhood was rich - largely because of them. My son won’t have that - we live far away from all our extended family (and there isn’t much of it to begin with anymore). It saddens me that my son won’t have that kind of wealth I experienced in my childhood. On top of simply wanting the joy of a second child, it brings me some peace knowing that there is still a chance for me to expand his support system growing up by having a four person family.
Anyway, my advice is your child is still a baby. Revisit every year or so if you’re still content. Your feelings could change or you could become more firm in your feeling that one is perfect.
fallingapart
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silentthunderstorm
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@fallingapart Siblings are tricky. I have two older brothers and they can’t stand each other. My mom had me at 39 and I was a surprise baby. If I didn’t come around my brothers would essentially have no sibling. One is my best friend, and the other I have a lot of common interests with but they barely talk. Like literally just holidays, or if my parents need something. I live in a different province, and I speak to them both more than they ever speak to each other.
I think if you have a second it should be without the expectation of closeness. I have one and I’m not planning on another, but if I did have one I would try to emphasize that this sibling that you hate right now is your best friend or some version of that. I don’t think my parents were very intentional about them fostering similar interests through traditions or common activities. So that may partly be on my parents.
I will say that my BFF brother really is my fave person so it’s amazing, but it’s mostly by chance. ! It’s hard to make these types of decisions without knowing the outcome. I do think letting go of outcomes if really essential to making decisions though. Would you be happy outside of this ideal outcome you imagine? Good luck
I think if you have a second it should be without the expectation of closeness. I have one and I’m not planning on another, but if I did have one I would try to emphasize that this sibling that you hate right now is your best friend or some version of that. I don’t think my parents were very intentional about them fostering similar interests through traditions or common activities. So that may partly be on my parents.
I will say that my BFF brother really is my fave person so it’s amazing, but it’s mostly by chance. ! It’s hard to make these types of decisions without knowing the outcome. I do think letting go of outcomes if really essential to making decisions though. Would you be happy outside of this ideal outcome you imagine? Good luck
fallingapart
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@silentthunderstorm I have a younger (by 12 years) sister that’s is in your shoes exactly lol I guess I didn’t even think to view her perspective as the youngest. I know siblings don’t equal bffs but I also come from a culture where siblings are always around even when we’re fighting. I don’t hate my siblings even tho we don’t always see eye to eye and I guess I’m assuming that’s how my daughter will be if she has a sibling. Thank you for making me realize this because i think I fail to see that she’s not me and she might have different views than I do on this as she gets older.
@fallingapart Not when they hit their teens and want all this stupid expensive shit
thank you for your input.