Are my concerns not worth choosing not to have another, and will I regret it?
- Thread starter jello123
- Start date
@jello123 Tbh I don’t think you can really know your feelings until you’re in it - getting the positive test, I mean.
We were fencesitters about a second for a long time, leaning toward OAD. When our kiddo turned 3, we decided we’d try again because we had some feelings that we would regret it if we didn’t (which is an oversimplification… there were so many moving parts in the decision). I got pregnant on cycle 4, and was… ecstatic. Really. It surprised me how excited I was, because I had been nervous about it upending our entire worlds, especially our daughter’s. But she figured out on her own I was pregnant - overheard us, I think - and she was also excited.
That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. It was crushing - and made us realize how much we genuinely wanted another kid. Our original plan had been no fertility interventions, and if I had a miscarriage, we’d call it. But that miscarriage changed our thoughts about essentially everything, and now we’re doubling down. I have an appointment with an RE in the morning, actually.
I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on anyone because it’s devastating, but it can be very illuminating. My feelings about it all turned out to be different than I had expected them to be. It’s not that I don’t like our life with an only child - I love it. And if it turns out I can’t have another LC, I’ll be able to make peace with that.
But as my husband says, having a kid - let alone a second - isn’t a rational decision. It’s an emotional one. Yes, you need enough money and support yada yada. That’s true. But beyond that, all things being equal and sufficient, it’s an emotional choice.
It’s okay to feel like you’re OAD and you like your life. Society tells us that our onlies NEED a sibling, but it’s just a weird social construct. So if you put aside the social construct/conditioning, if you still feel one way or the other… that’s probably your answer.
And also, it’s okay to decide one thing and change your mind. I’ve changed mine multiple times because of life events, and that’s okay!
We were fencesitters about a second for a long time, leaning toward OAD. When our kiddo turned 3, we decided we’d try again because we had some feelings that we would regret it if we didn’t (which is an oversimplification… there were so many moving parts in the decision). I got pregnant on cycle 4, and was… ecstatic. Really. It surprised me how excited I was, because I had been nervous about it upending our entire worlds, especially our daughter’s. But she figured out on her own I was pregnant - overheard us, I think - and she was also excited.
That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. It was crushing - and made us realize how much we genuinely wanted another kid. Our original plan had been no fertility interventions, and if I had a miscarriage, we’d call it. But that miscarriage changed our thoughts about essentially everything, and now we’re doubling down. I have an appointment with an RE in the morning, actually.
I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on anyone because it’s devastating, but it can be very illuminating. My feelings about it all turned out to be different than I had expected them to be. It’s not that I don’t like our life with an only child - I love it. And if it turns out I can’t have another LC, I’ll be able to make peace with that.
But as my husband says, having a kid - let alone a second - isn’t a rational decision. It’s an emotional one. Yes, you need enough money and support yada yada. That’s true. But beyond that, all things being equal and sufficient, it’s an emotional choice.
It’s okay to feel like you’re OAD and you like your life. Society tells us that our onlies NEED a sibling, but it’s just a weird social construct. So if you put aside the social construct/conditioning, if you still feel one way or the other… that’s probably your answer.
And also, it’s okay to decide one thing and change your mind. I’ve changed mine multiple times because of life events, and that’s okay!
@shicomi I'm so sorry about your experience. I can't even imagine how I would feel if I had a miscarriage, and partially prefer not to think about it - though obviously I'm thinking about this decision a lot.
I agree that it's ultimately an emotional decision. We wouldn't be having a second child for our first child, but for our family and experiences we could have together. I've been thinking a lot more after the two threads I made, and I must conclude that a big part of my hesitation now is the age gap. Not in the sense that they'd be too far apart to be friends, but in the sense that I am very unsure if I want to change our lives right now.
A few years ago, 100% I would have liked to have another. We were very mentally prepared to dust off the baby things we quite stubbornly kept. I was prepared for the newborn stage, the worries, the nap time interfering with daily activities, the baby proofing, and of course the very many positives of watching a little human grow into their own unique personality.
I'm giving away the crib now (realistically by now I'd just buy another, it's been in storage for too long, but maybe someone could use a free one). It felt like an end to an era making that decision. It hit that we'd be starting from the very scratch. Very odd feeling. Like that's the end end - but I certainly recognize that anything can change.
I agree that it's ultimately an emotional decision. We wouldn't be having a second child for our first child, but for our family and experiences we could have together. I've been thinking a lot more after the two threads I made, and I must conclude that a big part of my hesitation now is the age gap. Not in the sense that they'd be too far apart to be friends, but in the sense that I am very unsure if I want to change our lives right now.
A few years ago, 100% I would have liked to have another. We were very mentally prepared to dust off the baby things we quite stubbornly kept. I was prepared for the newborn stage, the worries, the nap time interfering with daily activities, the baby proofing, and of course the very many positives of watching a little human grow into their own unique personality.
I'm giving away the crib now (realistically by now I'd just buy another, it's been in storage for too long, but maybe someone could use a free one). It felt like an end to an era making that decision. It hit that we'd be starting from the very scratch. Very odd feeling. Like that's the end end - but I certainly recognize that anything can change.
toomanythoughts
New member
@jello123 On the point of #1 being a unicorn baby - I can relate. Ours was also a unicorn baby, super easy sleeper (although not high sleep needs, just easy to fall asleep and sleep through the night) and always a happy baby / toddler. We haven't yet hit the terrible twos so things can still change but so far (21m in) we very rarely get tantrums (although she isn't that good at independent play and I for sure couldn't work from home with her).
When I think of having a second I imagine a colicky newborn who wakes up every 2h and ask myself what I could do in that case to make life bearable. In my case that's
1) my partner and me going on shared parental leave together for at least the first 3 months maybe longer
2) my first born would be at nursery / school at least 4 days a week
3) formula feeding from birth for my mental health but also so that we could do a shift system at night so that each of us gets at least 5h sleep per night, even if baby is colicky
4) asking for help from family more
These are my "worse case" plans. I highly recommend you come up with your own "worst case" plan - what if your baby isn't as chill as your daughter and you can't work from home? What would you do? And then decide whether you could live with those plans, or whether the risk that this happens is just too high.
When I think of having a second I imagine a colicky newborn who wakes up every 2h and ask myself what I could do in that case to make life bearable. In my case that's
1) my partner and me going on shared parental leave together for at least the first 3 months maybe longer
2) my first born would be at nursery / school at least 4 days a week
3) formula feeding from birth for my mental health but also so that we could do a shift system at night so that each of us gets at least 5h sleep per night, even if baby is colicky
4) asking for help from family more
These are my "worse case" plans. I highly recommend you come up with your own "worst case" plan - what if your baby isn't as chill as your daughter and you can't work from home? What would you do? And then decide whether you could live with those plans, or whether the risk that this happens is just too high.
@toomanythoughts Thank you. I'm for sure thinking more practically now than when our daughter was 2-3. At the time it was very much a, "just take the diaper genie out of the closet, let's go." Figure it out as we go along sort of thing. I was also quite a bit younger and was only a couple of years into my career when we had our daughter. At the time we figured that the possibilities are endless, we'll figure it out!
Now the worst case will be either having to hire a nanny (not cheap) or figure out daycare we like (not close) or have dad stay home more (less money, but honestly I think he'll prefer that to working lol). We'll have no guest bedroom for family to visit from out of state, so we'd have to figure something out there. I'm maybe ok with traveling with an infant, say a 1 year old, but it very much depends on their temperament - my first slept through every plane ride in her car seat, it was a breeze. Slept wherever we went, enjoyed the scenery when she was awake. The second one, who knows.
What if it's twins??? On my maternal side of the family, everyone either had a single child (I'm an only child too), or every second was a set of twins. Genetic? Who knows!
And most importantly, worst case is health and/or developmental issues. I know that I would spend every dime I had to get the absolute best care and opportunities in this case, and I know it will be very hard for me not to focus on just doing that. I would put everything on the back burner and not sleep at night out of guilt, including guilt on what I could've done better for the rest of my family that day. I'm pretty certain this would break me. I know of course I can do various tests well before the baby is born, which I have done with the first, but plenty of things become obvious much later, and it worries me a lot.
Now the worst case will be either having to hire a nanny (not cheap) or figure out daycare we like (not close) or have dad stay home more (less money, but honestly I think he'll prefer that to working lol). We'll have no guest bedroom for family to visit from out of state, so we'd have to figure something out there. I'm maybe ok with traveling with an infant, say a 1 year old, but it very much depends on their temperament - my first slept through every plane ride in her car seat, it was a breeze. Slept wherever we went, enjoyed the scenery when she was awake. The second one, who knows.
What if it's twins??? On my maternal side of the family, everyone either had a single child (I'm an only child too), or every second was a set of twins. Genetic? Who knows!
And most importantly, worst case is health and/or developmental issues. I know that I would spend every dime I had to get the absolute best care and opportunities in this case, and I know it will be very hard for me not to focus on just doing that. I would put everything on the back burner and not sleep at night out of guilt, including guilt on what I could've done better for the rest of my family that day. I'm pretty certain this would break me. I know of course I can do various tests well before the baby is born, which I have done with the first, but plenty of things become obvious much later, and it worries me a lot.
@jello123 Honestly, I think you're OAD but are struggling with letting go of the idea of family of 4 that you could possibly have. That's normal because we only live once and every decision that we make will automatically keep us from seeing what our life would be like if we've made a different decision. I might be biased because I'm OAD myself. I grew up believing I would have 3 kids but realized that OAD is the best option for us. Do I still sometimes wonder how life would be like with more kids? Of course I do. But that alone is not a reason to risk the balance and happiness that we currently have. Everytime we decide to have a child we're rolling the dice hoping that our life will be happier with that decision. In most cases it does. In other it does not. I think you should only have another baby if both you and your husband fell like there's still something missing in your family.
@rufus Really yo-yoing. If you asked me a month ago, my response would be, no I absolutely want to have another child, I've always wanted another child, I wish I had another child by now but well, whatever, we'll just have another child later than we hoped. Then I'll foster children when mine are older or moved out, and I will do it over and over again.
The above has taken a laissez-faire "we'll figure it out" approach, as we had for pretty much all decisions, major or not.
If I had thought all the practicalities of it through, I'm not even sure we'd have our daughter. Probably, maybe, but I have not had any of these feelings or thoughts until very very recently.
We have come to terms that maybe we simply can't conceive naturally anymore and that our daughter might be an only child just because of that. We won't do IVF, surrogates, or anything of the sort. If we can't, we can't - though we are/were open to testing to figure out what the issue might be. However, I can't tell you that we actively tried for even a month, it's just been ya know, whenever, whatever happens. So we figured that would be step 1. Track it a little bit and see where things stand. My husband doesn't want to be 60 when his kid is in high school, so there isn't a ton of time left on that either.
Now that I'm here making pros and cons lists, I don't even know why we'd want to have another child, but similarly, I don't even know why we had the first one by the same logic. Logic being the keyword, I wouldn't change it in any alternate reality. So it's very conflicting feelings!
The above has taken a laissez-faire "we'll figure it out" approach, as we had for pretty much all decisions, major or not.
If I had thought all the practicalities of it through, I'm not even sure we'd have our daughter. Probably, maybe, but I have not had any of these feelings or thoughts until very very recently.
We have come to terms that maybe we simply can't conceive naturally anymore and that our daughter might be an only child just because of that. We won't do IVF, surrogates, or anything of the sort. If we can't, we can't - though we are/were open to testing to figure out what the issue might be. However, I can't tell you that we actively tried for even a month, it's just been ya know, whenever, whatever happens. So we figured that would be step 1. Track it a little bit and see where things stand. My husband doesn't want to be 60 when his kid is in high school, so there isn't a ton of time left on that either.
Now that I'm here making pros and cons lists, I don't even know why we'd want to have another child, but similarly, I don't even know why we had the first one by the same logic. Logic being the keyword, I wouldn't change it in any alternate reality. So it's very conflicting feelings!
@jello123 I agree with everyone else who said your daughter was exceptionally easy as a newborn. My son was a hard newborn in some ways: colic screaming for many weeks, colicky eating for months, but thankfully a good sleeper. Having another child opens up your life to the possibility that it will likely become more difficult, at least in some ways for some time.
One thing that has helped me with the question of whether to have another is to close your eyes and visualize your favorite holiday. Everyone you love is there around the table and as you look around the table, ask yourself who is there. Is it just your daughter and partner and other relatives? Or do you feel that you’d want to see another child there too? This exercise has helped me realize I do want another but I need to get far enough past the hard newborn days and PPA for that not to sound traumatizing.
One thing that has helped me with the question of whether to have another is to close your eyes and visualize your favorite holiday. Everyone you love is there around the table and as you look around the table, ask yourself who is there. Is it just your daughter and partner and other relatives? Or do you feel that you’d want to see another child there too? This exercise has helped me realize I do want another but I need to get far enough past the hard newborn days and PPA for that not to sound traumatizing.
@fateh I respectfully disagree with the holiday visualization - I'm glad it worked for you but IMO it's an embellished vision of what a bigger family could potentially be. Favorite holiday, vacations.. they happen a few days per year. There's 300 other days in the year where you have to balance child care, your mental health, and all the rest. I recently decided to be OAD but that type of visualization is a bear trap for me.
@fateh Oh, if I visualize a perfect holiday, it would be four kids. If I had quadruplets, we'd be golden!
I understand exactly what you mean. If I could guarantee that the second baby would be a minituare version of my daughter, it wouldn't even be a question I'd be asking.
I didn't put a ton of thought into a future with children when we decided to have children, and neither did my husband. We were just super excited and besides the first couple of weeks after we got home from the hospital, of just pure confusion, it really normalized quite quickly into "this is great! Should've done this earlier!"
Had a pretty similar attitude until about now. I would absolutely still want to have three kids at least. But I'm now much more cognizant about life in the next 5-10 years (and not just 30 years from now), as well as setting up my child(ren) for success when it's time for them to head out.
And if my holiday includes a child with special needs who will never be able to have a good life on their own, it's a very hard no. Can't guarantee that not to happen. Even though that may be rare. But even the next 20 years of various programs to ensure the best outcome in adulthood for a "milder" problem is very stressful for me to think about. Perhaps that's paranoid, or perhaps that's an excuse in my head - I'm sure many many people have the same fears but logically understand it's not very likely.
I understand exactly what you mean. If I could guarantee that the second baby would be a minituare version of my daughter, it wouldn't even be a question I'd be asking.
I didn't put a ton of thought into a future with children when we decided to have children, and neither did my husband. We were just super excited and besides the first couple of weeks after we got home from the hospital, of just pure confusion, it really normalized quite quickly into "this is great! Should've done this earlier!"
Had a pretty similar attitude until about now. I would absolutely still want to have three kids at least. But I'm now much more cognizant about life in the next 5-10 years (and not just 30 years from now), as well as setting up my child(ren) for success when it's time for them to head out.
And if my holiday includes a child with special needs who will never be able to have a good life on their own, it's a very hard no. Can't guarantee that not to happen. Even though that may be rare. But even the next 20 years of various programs to ensure the best outcome in adulthood for a "milder" problem is very stressful for me to think about. Perhaps that's paranoid, or perhaps that's an excuse in my head - I'm sure many many people have the same fears but logically understand it's not very likely.