Childless friend keeps telling me I’ll regret not having two

[sharpsolaris]

@roseforchrist I really hear you about doing it without help and doing what you know is right for you and your mental health! You absolutely should stick with your one and done plans. Sounds like time to firmly tell your friend to drop it.

But I also want to say your comment about your dad "refusing" to help... It's awesome when family helps out, but they don't owe it to you. It is a legit to have spent two decades raising kids and not want to do more childcare after! And do all the things that were put aside while focusing on kids! Family helping is a wonderful gift, not an obligation he's letting you down on IMO.

 

[roseforchrist]

@sharpsolaris I realise how entitled I sound about my dad and wishing he’d help more. My issue with him is that he heavily relied on my grandparents for childcare and support. He had my grandmother take care of us, clean his house and make his meals for him. He even had me and my brothers spend summers with her because he went to Thailand for 3 weeks.

He outright refuses to help us at all. So I feel like he’s being a little unfair in getting lots of help raising his kids but refusing to help us. I didn’t have a baby expecting others to raise him, but some support would’ve been nice.

 

[sharpsolaris]

@roseforchrist I hear you. You're in a tough spot and he was a lot more fortunate about getting help. But your grandparents got to make their choice about how to spend their time and energy. Your dad also gets to make his own choice.

It's tough because you shouldn't have to do it alone. One of the things I find very tough is that in some universal way we all deserve support and care and help. But that doesn't mean any individual person owes us those things.

 

[eagerbeaver]

@sharpsolaris As a parent, I definitely think I owe my daughter some help when the time comes. Put the need for a break aside, it’s a really hurtful thing to do to your kid. Did you really dislike raising them THAT much?

 

[sharpsolaris]

@eagerbeaver Of course it’s great for grandparents to offer help… if they want to! But they are also their have their own full lives, their own goals, their own things they want to do, and they are not obligated to give any of that up to help with childcare on the regular. Ultimately, when you have a kid, it’s your kid and no one besides their other parent owes you childcare.

Someone’s parents (and now their kids’ grandparents) may have loved raising kids AND just be in a different part of their life where they don’t want to caretake for young children. My mom for example really loved having babies and young kids. She even worked in a kindergarten when I was young. And now she is really enjoying not having young kids, not caretaking for anyone, getting to put herself first and enjoy all her weekend hobbies, travel, etc. I say good for her.

Your daughter will be lucky to have your help but people who do it differently aren’t necessarily heartless jerks. It’s a big world.

 

[eagerbeaver]

@sharpsolaris I think it’s okay because you’re okay. Also, is it no child care for you? Not even a few hours once or twice a year? I get not often because you don’t like it, but never? Sorry that’s selfish

 

[sharpsolaris]

@eagerbeaver My comment actually does not come from being okay and oblivious to what it's like to struggle. I just see this differently than you.

You call it selfish. I would say that attitude is entitled.

 

[eagerbeaver]

@sharpsolaris got it. Yeah, we definitely see things differently. I would say plan on being there for your kid some in adulthood and that includes that you might occasionally (like once or twice a year) spend a few hours watching a baby. Or advocate for better support for moms in society so your not necessary by then.

 

[roseforchrist]

@sharpsolaris But he owes it to his grandson to at least visit him. Doesn't want to help, fine. But he never visits him and we live a 10 minute drive away. It's not just about help, it's about me wanting him to have a relationship with his grandson, like I had with my grandparents.