Will I regret only having 1 child?

[galworth]

@fallingapart I’m an only child and I decided to have just one as well! She can have 100% of my attention and resources. She’s 3 and has a lot of friends who she goes on play dates often with. I don’t personally know any siblings that get along as adults as far as my family and close friends go.

 

[fallingapart]

@galworth This is my main reason for only wanting her. Things are so expensive and my husband is currently doing his best to provide for both of us. I work from home part time so we’re in the sweet spot of having enough resources to cover everything and have a little extra. Thank you for your input

 

[k_j]

@fallingapart I knew I wanted a second one because I work in healthcare. It sounds crazy but at the hospital I’ve seen the toll it takes on the only child when making sole decisions for their parents in regards to all things- safe discharge plans, life/death decisions, etc. I didn’t want it to just be my daughter one day jn those shoes.

Now that’s crazy and there is no guarantee my kids will even get along enough to do help each other as they grow but I sure will do my best. I want them to be best friends for each other!

 

[seeker01]

@k_j As you noted, siblings aren't always best friends, and sometimes downright toxic for each other, and now there's bickering over care plans, possibly leading to worse outcomes for the patient. That's not even thinking about what if the kids move away, can't be there for a parents care, hell what if the kids don't even like their parents. It's not and shouldn't be on them at all to manage.

The onus of end of life care should not be on one's children. Period. They get to show up and grieve, and that's it.

I'm only 41, and my life or death decisions are mine alone and already planned through my will and advanced directives. My estate is already managed. My care is already planned through accounts for in home or facility care. My death and funeral desires are already accounted for and in writing. Etc etc.

Parents need to come to the realization that, in a perfect world, we will die before our children. No getting around it. And then not fear the planning of our own care and deaths, leaving those burdens on our kids.

If (general) you are a parent and you haven't yet...get to a lawyer and get a will drawn up, and get to a doctor to manage your advanced directives.

 

[k_j]

@seeker01 I completely agree- I was referencing more so hospital courses, helping plan for things that aren’t just death as well. Like in cases with dementia and figuring out where to live (independent living, assisted living) because in reality there’s much worse harder things than death that paperwork doesn’t cover. Like a broken hip and unable to live by yourself anymore. Wanting to make sure your parents are being taken care of in said facilities is also a huge aspect of it.

My perspective with family is family takes care of family. I will always do whatever to take care of my parents or in laws, and I hope with raising my children in a nurturing environment they will come to the same conclusions. This of course will vary family to family. My culture is very much take care of your family though.

 

[k_j]

OP- there are MANY factors Going into choosing to have another kid as well. Finances. Mental burden, etc. only you will be able to make that decision for yourself! Being a parent is HARD!

 

[fallingapart]

@seeker01 This is such a smart way to go about the EOL situation and I’m definitely going to take this and apply it because I’d hate to burden her with having to do it all for me. Thanks so much for your response

 

[raeear]

@k_j I have this exact reasoning for wishing I could give my son a sibling (I'm unable to get pregnant again). Worked in a nursing home for seven years as a social worker and just never wanted my son to have to deal with our old age or illnesses alone. The caveat that I try to remember is that there were also some very nasty and toxic family dynamics with multiple children, but I still think I'd rather have taken that chance than him having to do this alone later in his life. My regret is mostly not even having the option to give him a sibling.

 

[k_j]

@raeear I’m so sorry for your secondary infertility it’s unfair when we don’t even get to make the choice ourself.

 

[cipher7836]

@k_j Is this really a reality for only children? Or is this a result of poor life planning on the part of the parents?

 

[k_j]

@cipher7836 I don’t think you can plan for developing neurodegenerative disorders. It’s a reality for only children who are involved with their parents. There are plenty of people with children who want nothing do with their parents as well. It’s sad! But this could also be the case with siblings, etc as well. Again it totally depends on the family.

 

[jakethedog]

@k_j I have a brother and I’ll be solely responsible for my mom while having to manage him and his desire to get all of her money. And we had a good relationship growing up — but I would much rather be alone in this.

 

[k_j]

@jakethedog That is so so sad. People do show some terrible colors When money comes into play. I hope I can help raise my children to not be like that. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.