Will I regret only having 1 child?

[fallingapart]

@travis2014 Omg how scary I definitely see your point. O&D is starting to feel more right for us too!

 

[fallingapart]

@tomorrowtoday Good for you for shifting perspectives. I think ultimately I might be a one and done person, but from what other comments suggest I’m going to give it more time. Thanks for your input!

 

[maryannmaria]

@fallingapart I just have to chime in as a mother of one who comes from a family of seven (five kids). My childhood with just my brother (two year age gap) was fine. But I still resent my mother for choosing to have three more children when I was a preteen/teen. I ended up having to help raise them, which is part of why I didn’t have a child of my own until I was in my 30s.

But also, I’m now estranged from two of my siblings (including my brother) and I live ten hours away from the other two. We see each other on holidays, but we don’t get along super well. I’m not super close to my parents, either. I don’t have a village despite coming from a huge family.

I also chose to raise my daughter as a single mom rather than with someone who wasn’t good for us. In other words, it’s better to have a small, happy family than a large dysfunctional one. Maybe having more kids would result in more happiness for all of you (I know at least one large family that seems very happy) or maybe it would stretch your time, energy, and resources too thin. Maybe you kids won’t get along. Maybe it’ll cause marital problems.

I don’t know. I’d just say that if you’re happy as a family of three and your family feels complete, keep it that way. AFAIK there’s no research showing that only children are negatively affected in any way. Get a pet and schedule plenty of play dates. Do stuff with your child. You’re not selfish for that.

 

[gtdispomed9093]

@fallingapart You’re not being selfish by not “giving them a sibling”. There’s no guarantee that siblings like each other. If you and your husband have another baby it needs to be because you want it. I grew up with 1 biological sibling and 4 step-siblings. I don’t speak to any of them. In one case we’ve just drifted apart. But for the rest it’s because we didn’t get along. We didn’t get along as kids and I certainly wouldn’t have them in my life now. I have 2 kids and so far they adore each other but they’re 3yo and 8mo.

I don’t regret having my second. But I do have days when I consider how much easier my days would be at this point if it was just me and my daughter still. She’s finally to a point where she will just pal around with me when I need to do things. She’s super easy to take out. Bedtime has become a breeze after years of torture. She’s communicates brilliantly. She loves to cook and bake. Don’t get me wrong, she has her meltdowns and tantrums. But even those would be more manageable if it didn’t cause the baby to start screaming too. But thinking about this is why I’ve decided not to have anymore. My son will get to this point eventually and I don’t want to set the clock back for a third time.

With the baby now he’s super clingy especially when he’s teething. He sleeps better than she did at this age, but it’s still infant sleep so I’m very tired. He gets bored and fussy very easily. He hates “baby containers” so he won’t sit in his jumperoo, he barely tolerates the high chair. He’s at the point where he’s not yet mobile but desperately wants to be so he roles and shuffles and gets mad.

I love both of my babies beyond measure. But it definitely makes for a very long day. I’d still do it over because I adore my son so much. But I definitely won’t be having another one. We are inching towards slightly easier days.

 

[fallingapart]

@gtdispomed9093 I’m 6 months PP and I feel like I’m barely getting a break. My husband is also a very hands on dad and helps me so much. It just feels like I have so many people telling me if you want the second one just do it soon other wise it’s like starting all over again if you wait longer. I love my daughter beyond anything but I can’t imagine going through the newborn stage and early PP again and from the sound of your situation it’s must be so much more stressful having a toddler and a baby at the same time. Idk how your do it. Props to you and thanks for your input!

 

[agnosticatheist]

@fallingapart AS an only child id encouraged you to have more, but as a woman and mother you need to do what makes your family the happiest.

 

[fallingapart]

@agnosticatheist Ahh yes that part we feel happy now I think we’ll keep it just us for a while and see what time will tell.

 

[bayamma]

@fallingapart Just to offer a perspective. I'm an only child.

Pros: I've always felt loved. I was very close with my mom through my childhood. I was good in getting along with adults.

Cons people will tell you about: being lonely. Thisbhonestly didn't apply to me, because I've had a well maintained group of close friends.

Cons most people will not talk about: Responsibility

Parents clung onto me. This is the experience I share with all my friends who are the only child. My parents unintentionally were super protective. I'd hear "your all we got" a lot, not in a good way.

When my parents got a divorce my mom started panicking that I'd be alone if she died and spent the next years pushing me into friendships I wasn't comfortable in. She'd also cling to me for dear life.

I never went to study abroad, never did anything risky in my life, because I was raised in this not being OK, because I'm the only child.

Now that my parents are getting old I envy the people with siblings to share helping/caring for their parents. Mine are my Responsibility alone. It's a lot. It's a burden that can wake you up in the middle of the night already as a teenager. Again, this is something I know most of my friends who do not have siblings share with me. All of us decided to have more than one child because we don't want to even unintentionally put this pressure onto one kid.

This is of course just a perspective, but maybe something to keep in mind for how you raise your daughter .

I'm just pregnant with my second and keep swinging between "I can't wait to have two!!" And "my life with my husband and daughter is perfect this way, what have we done!??" I'll see when we get to the next phase, I guess

 

[paladinhc]

@bayamma I can attest that the caring for elderly parents distribution of responsibility also depends on the siblings. I have two brothers. I’m the middle child. And while the three of us are hypothetically responsible for my mother (dad passed). I’m the only one that actuality does support her.The other two don’t help and hardly even call her.

 

[fallingapart]

@bayamma Love the pros and cons list! Yes EOL is something I worry about with my daughter, but others have suggested to just start planning early and that children don’t always come around to help even if you have more. It sucks that your parents kept you so sheltered and it seems that we have to be very mindful of the impact we have on our kids life’s with our own traumas. For me I think it’s 1 and done, but how exciting for you to grow your family! best of luck and thanks for your input!

 

[james121paul]

@fallingapart If it’s helpful, there are some fairly prominent “only child” studies that suggest that only children are just as happy if not happier than their sibling’d peers, and do not show markers for selfishness and greed which are often anecdotally suggested.

 

[fallingapart]

@james121paul I love some factual evidence and will definitely look into this myself. Thank you

 

[dontwo]

@fallingapart You might want another one you might not. Give it time, you will stay feeling content and that’s your answer to have one or you will feel a desire to have another. don’t stress. Enjoy what you have now.

 

[fallingapart]

@dontwo Thank you time will tell. I’ll remember that

 

[rashida1980]

@fallingapart I felt this way until my son was 20 months and started just loving babies and being so gentle with them and loving. Hugging, kissing their toes, snuggling them. And then I was all the sudden team baby. I felt terrible thinking he wouldn’t have all of my undivided attention. But as he got more toddler like and more independent and social, it became obvious that a sibling would outweigh the benefits of him having my undivided attention.

I have 2 brothers, I have one I REALLY love and am very close with. It’s great knowing I have him if I ever get in a bind (and vice versa). And I have one who we both loathe and can’t stand as adults (although as children we were best friends. he developed mental health issues in his teens and refused to ever address them). Siblings aren’t guaranteed to always get along but when they do, it’s a person you can always count on in life, and it’s pretty magical.

 

[fallingapart]

@rashida1980 My daughter is so small still I really hope she loves being the only one because idk if I can’t resist her asking for a sibling. I’m going to give it time. I come from a family of 5 and yes not all of us are super close so that totally makes sense!

 

[katrina2017]

@fallingapart My only is 12 and I’ve never regretted it and he has always been very outspoken about not wanting siblings anyway lol

 

[fallingapart]

@katrina2017 I hope my daughter is this way lol fingers crossed

 

[ommo]

@fallingapart They can make friends at school and with extra activities like sports. They are not lonely. Don’t feel pressured into having another kid.

 

[fallingapart]

@ommo For sure! It’s not so much pressure that I feel. I think it’s more guilt of making a wrong choice. Thanks for this