When does it physically get better?

Hi everyone! I guess I just need to hear a bit of encouragement. 33 y.o ftm, 4.5 PP via c section. This turned out long so no need to read all of it. I just needed to feel seen.

Ive been crying since Wednesday everyday and have been feeling depressed for weeks. I absolutely loathe my body and just how I feel. Pre-pregnancy, I was very fit and an athlete. I was running 10 miles, did BJJ and competing, pole dancing and Lyra and performing, and was proud of all the crazy things my body could do. I absolutely loved myself and my body. I trained something every single day so not doing these things has been a massive life changing shift. Doing these things made my job easier to manage the intensity of it (school counselor so lots of heavy emotions regularly on my nervous system).

Now, not so much. During my pregnancy, I developed SPD which has stayed full force postpartum. This caused a hip misalignment where my physio had to pull my leg so that the hip can go back in place. This misalignment caused many physical issues. Going from Running regularly to relearning how to walk was a mind fuck. It’s been much better but I still can’t run or jump or even pivot (turn on one foot) and I can’t do many things on the floor due to discomfort with the SPD. I also have diastasis recti. Thankfully my physio has been amazing so I went from walking with pain to now walking regularly and my diastasis went from 4 fingers to just a little over one, so I have to acknowledge the improvement. My core is getting stronger and she has approved lifting at the gym just so that I could feel a little normal. I am also going up and down the stairs better as well. I’m also walking faster as well.

Yet still, I’m just not happy. I feel like an 80 year old woman. I’m 30 pounds above my prepregnancy weight. I hate the way I look and feel. I still look 5 months pregnant. I’ve been exercising and lifting 4-5x a week for an hour and am counting calories and measuring my food. I’m lifting pretty heavy too while also being careful due to my hips. So far I only lost 3 pounds in 2 months. I just wear HUGE clothes to cover up so that I don’t see my body in the mirror. I also have insomnia and have to take a few sleepaids to stay asleep (my baby sleeps through the night and I’m not breastfeeding) I feel like my hormones are wrecked and a mess and it feels like I am PMSing 24-7. My period is super irregular and I have no idea when it’s going to come (started getting my period in November). I honestly don’t think I’d feel as bad about the weight if I didn’t have these physical issues where I just experience constant disappointment and pain. I also have random thoughts about my body not knowing how to give birth which resulted in an emergency c section so it adds to the disappointment I feel about my body (I know it’s irrational thoughts and I’m happy I got a c section). The c section recovery was unexpectedly traumatic, I was in so much pain that I remember standing there while struggling to move and internally screaming how much I hate my body. I absolutely love my c section scar though.

I just don’t feel like myself and have this dreaded feeling that I’ll never be normal again. Its hard watching all my pole and bjj friends training and increasing their skill while I could barely do the basics. My bf shares the same hobbies and owns an MMA gym (it’s a massive part of our lives) so it’s in my face regularly and it’s also hard to see how little he was impacted by becoming a father. It’s recently been impacting my work and it’s hard to take care of a whole school while feeling so horrible and low. I honestly just want to quit my job of how low I feel and just rest and recover and only worry about taking care of myself and my little family. I think going back to work has pushed me to a dark place especially because I’m away from my baby and is the only reminder I have as to why I’m going through all of this. I messaged my OB about getting blood work done and figure out some fixes for the insomnia, see for vitamin deficiencies, maybe even get evaluated for PPD. Like my issues feel beyond just physical and I can’t describe it. I also don’t know anyone that has experienced SPD postpartum so I’d love to hear that I’m not alone and that it does go away eventually.

I just feel trapped and suffocated, that’s the best way to describe this. I can’t just outrun my body. It’s like I’m frozen in time while everyone’s life continues to progress. I’m beginning to accept and tell myself that I may never be able to do the things I love anymore and stop trying so hard to feel normal and accept it.

My baby is amazing and so beautiful. I truly got lucky with this unicorn baby. My bf is an incredible father and does everything. He is legit an equal partner. Whenever he’s home, he fully takes over and is insistent on doing all night wakings since he knows I can’t sleep properly and have to get to work early. He also does all the cooking and food shopping. I just don’t feel like I have anything to offer him and that my baby doesn’t need me. I just don’t feel essential. If I’m gone, I know the baby is always perfectly fine and well taken care of with his dad.

And in all, I don’t show anyone that I’m struggling so not many people know. I am in therapy but I don’t know how helpful it is. I’m giving it time. Anyways thank you for reading, I just needed to put this somewhere and let it out so that I can go to work and save the world. If anyone has had a similar experience and has come out of the other side, I’d love to hear your journey. I know that the only answer to all of this is time.
 
@christian_follower First, I'm glad you mentioned getting evaluated for PPD. Getting properly medicated may help more than anything.

I have had three babies. Before having my first, I too was in the best shape of my life and loved how strong my body was. It took about 9 months before I felt sort of like myself again and even then with having a baby it was hard to be as consistent in the gym as I had been prior. Now I have had two more kids, both still under 3 and 15 months apart and it is even more of a struggle. What helps me is to focus less on what I could do and more on the journey of getting strong again. My back sucks and I also have bad ab separation so I have to be more careful and it can be discouraging. Another thing that helped me the most was buying new clothes in a bigger size. Then I at least felt comfortable. I went to goodwill so I didn't have to spend much and it really made a difference.

It sounds like you have made some amazing physical improvements in a short time. Pregnancy is long and hard as is post partum and your body has been through a lot. It's rehab-ing from surgery plus 9 extra months of physical changes. Having a stressful job to return to also makes things tough. I was a bedside RN during covid times and had to go back at 6 weeks after my third. When he was 13 months I ended up leaving for a less stressful job (surgery center) and that has helped my mental health tremendously.

This was long and unorganized. All of it to say is basically hang in there. Post partum sucks, but it does get better. Keep doing things that you enjoy but try not to be hard on yourself that you can't (yet) do things you could before pregnancy.
 
@jonojim1337 Thank you so much for sharing. You’re right that changing the mindset of what my body is not able or and changing it to what it can do now and the steps to get strong make a difference. I read that and it def helped putting that into words and perspective. I know for sure that I’ll be able to move like I used to and better someday as long as I’m taking the right steps to heal properly. The stressful job definitely makes it hard to deal with and I definitely think it’s the work stress that has shot me down mentally. I was doing ok mentally while on maternity leave (not great but ok enough where I could function and have more time to take care of myself which helps you feel good in general). I’m not sure what to do about my job but I’m going to push through and if medication helps to do my job then the plan is to def give that a try. I also need to be more diligent about the new clothes I wear. I just bought oversized tshirts and sweatshirts which really doesn’t help so maybe some nice cute outfits will help more. I appreciate you sharing your journey and tips ❤️❤️❤️
 
@christian_follower It took me 15 months to start to feel better, I plateaued in weight loss from about 6m to 13m and then all of a sudden my body dropped 10lbs from 13m to 15m. I also had my hair grow back more (I had a lot of post partum shedding around 11m and then hair came back around 13m). I think my body just had crazy hormones that finally balanced out more. I was 32F at the time.

It’s super important to have clothes that fit properly, it is so discouraging to wear clothing that doesn’t fit properly! Try to show your body and self some love. That’s what I had to do! I also had diastasis recti pretty badly!

I just had my second baby and I am going through this again, interestingly my pregnancy was much easier second time (first time throwing up the whole time) and again I attribute it to different hormones. I also gained less weight and post part im is a bit better, except the diastasis recti is going to be a challenge again- I also got an umbilical hernia. Yay! But I am giving myself the time it needs and I’m almost 2m post partum and have bought a new jacket, two new shirts, and a new pair of pants and they are stylish as hell and I feel great in them!
 
@seekthyfirst Ahhh shopping is a must here! I put on a flower nice strappy backless top the other day and I felt GOOD! My clothes choices are definitely not helping at all so that’s such a good idea. I really can’t stand the hormones 😭 so glad you had a better time this time! I’m terrified of going through another pregnancy and postpartum while also working. I just don’t want to go through this again especially with the job I have. But this gives me hope that it could be different the second time around. Thank you for your insight!!❤️❤️❤️
 
Seriously everyone thank you so much for sharing and for the encouragement. I’m so glad I posted this because this literally began to lift a weight off my shoulder and was even more reassurance that I need more time and that it’ll pass. Hearing from you all was so helpful especially those that had the same issues as me. ❤️❤️❤️
 
@christian_follower You are seen, and your thoughts and emotions are valid! I was nowhere near the athlete you were before baby and I still feel like I’m looking at a stranger in the mirror almost 10 mo pp. things are slowly getting better. Pregnancy and postpartum can be so brutal, but I feel like those stories are pushed down in order to “not scare people”. I had an unexpectedly hard birth and first couple months pp trying to navigate newborn life and felt like no one else was experiencing these things. 4 months pp is still so early in your journey, especially when you had a harder recovery. Keep rehabbing and taking it slow. Pelvic floor therapy and Pilates did wonders for my core strength. It sounds like you’re taking the right steps doing therapy, I hope it gets better. I would get evaluated for PPD just as a precaution. Hugs to you and your little family!
 
@comiccarol Thank you so much!! And you’re right, we definitely push down the realities of it as to not scare people. I have 3 friends that are currently pregnant and I don’t feel it in my heart to share this with them especially because every experience is different. I do share the difficulty of it but not like how I described it. I just look forward to it being this time next year and things being better but then that means that my little one will be past the baby stage. Just trying to remain present and understand that this is a short season in the grand scheme of life. I appreciate you taking the time to read and share your journey ❤️❤️❤️❤️
 
@christian_follower Your journey sounds similar to mine, SPD and everything. I was in the absolute best shape of my life. I was consistently surfing, snowboarding, playing soccer, etc. when I got pregnant. After giving birth I hated my body and just not being able to exercise. It really messed with my mental health. I thought just because I was breastfeeding all the weight would easily come off, boy was I wrong. It took me about a year after birth to get back to pre-baby size and I actually got even smaller (like 18 year old me weight) and was training for a marathon! I was running the most I had ever in my life, then I got pregnant with baby 2 lol. Now I’m one month postpartum via 2nd c-section and I get the same feelings I had before about my body, but I know it’s going to take time. Also I totally relate with watching your friends progress without you, it was torture watching everyone go snowboarding without me and having to stop playing soccer. It really does get better with time though, and you’ll come back better than ever.
 
@repentantheart Thank you soo much for sharing! If you don’t mind me asking, how long did it take you to go back to running and also what steps did you take to run again? With SPD, that journey is going to be long I expect. I’m itching to do a half marathon someday but it just seems so far away. It’s definitely impacting my mental health for sure. I was just thinking to myself this morning that I definitely will not be able to snowboard ever again (I snowboard random seasons of and on lol). It’s times like these that I hate that I was an athlete or enjoyed doing these physical things. But knowing that you went back to those things and even had a second one gives me hope. Thank you for sharing your journey ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
 
@christian_follower Of course! You got this, seriously. I know you’re in the thick of it and all the postpartum pregnancy hormone fluctuations do not help. I actually just checked on my Apple Watch my first run after my first pregnancy. It was 2 weeks after my 6 week check up. So 8 weeks PP, I ran 2 miles. At 4 months PP I was playing soccer again, like full blown full field games. I was hurting bad after each game, and the other veteran moms I spoke with said they had the same experience and your body would eventually get used to it lol.

Right!? It’s like torture just knowing how AMAZING exercise is when you can’t do it at all!
After my first, I snowboarded at 10 months PP. I’m hoping to get a run in before this seasons over!

Honestly, with my first I just started running and exercising because at 6 weeks my doctor was like yeah go ahead do whatever you want. I had no idea what I was doing, luckily I didn’t really have any major issues. This time I’m doing all the pelvic floor stuff, stretching, meditation, before I begin. Also, what has really helped me this time around is scar tissue massage on c-section. It’s been an absolute game changer. I’m 27 but I know having 2 c-sections within 2 years is some serious stuff, so I’m taking all the precautions.
 
@repentantheart Yes on the c section mobilization! I’ve been doing that as soon as it was safe to do so and my physio is constantly saying that my scar is the best looking c section scar she’s ever seen in this early stage! It def helps for sure! And it’s good to hear that the aches were still there but you just get used to it! I’m always achy but I’m sure my body will adjust in time. Thank you again for your insight!! I’ll be sure to let you know when I go for my first pp run. I’m trying to take my time as well so no rush but have set for my first test run to be April 1st unless my physio gives me the go earlier. Let’s see how it goes!
 
@christian_follower I’m 10 months PP from my c-section and dealing with unresolved birth trauma. At 6 months, the emotional chaos and forgetful fog finally cleared- I started to feel more emotionally “like my old self.” At 9 months, I was taking the stairs easily and finally got back to running again.

Scar massage helps! Low impact exercise or even just walking and being physical with baby helps. Practice good form when picking baby up to avoid ongoing back pain.

I think there is a good chance that you will get back to being physical again. If you put yourself on a rushed timeline, you will stress yourself. If you stress yourself, it will affect your sleep. Sleep is essential to looking and feeling better. I think you should try shifting your focus to finding a way to get the rest you need.

Every day, you get closer to being physical again. In the meantime, please give your body love and grace ❤️
 
@muireach This is absolutely sound advice especially regarding the sleep. I absolutely do need to change my mindset and just understand that this is just a process. Grace has been my theme for the year, just have to practice that. I really appreciate you sharing your journey. I’m looking forward to the fog to lift soon ❤️❤️❤️❤️
 
@christian_follower I see you.
It actually takes 2 YEARS for your body to fully recover, we are MEANT to be cute dumplings that nurture and nourish and have bodies we don’t know. It certainly feels crap tho! I couldn’t even have sex comfortable for 18 months PP with each babe. If weight loss is a goal, make sure you know how much of a calorie deficit you need to be in and stick to it. Focus on strength but slowly, no rush ❤️
 
@christian_follower Just here to say I read your whole post and I hear you, and every single thing you feel is valid. I’m so glad you’re going to get evaluated for PPD, and hopefully that can get you headed in a better direction.
I had an emergency C-Section in August and I had gained about 70 lbs in pregnancy so I completely relate to the body struggles. I’ve lost about 60 but the distribution of things is different than it was before (aka my belly still looks much bigger like you said you’re experiencing).
I know it is so hard to be going through so much all at once, but the progress you said you’ve made is AMAZING and the fact that you’re taking steps to get help is HUGE as well. Even if you’re not feeling proud of yourself for those things, I am. You’ve got this. It WILL get better. But in the meantime don’t beat yourself up for these feelings you’re having.
 
@benjir Thank you so much for the encouragement ❤️❤️❤️ it actually feels good to have someone acknowledge my progress lol I was stressing about having these feelings which definitely was making things feel harder. Your encouragement was super uplifting. I felt it all ❤️❤️❤️
 
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