@hotinco The 3rd month of negatives hit hard because it seems like everyone I knew got pregnant by or in their 3rd month trying. It’s laughable to me now how bummed I was 3 months in.
Then it was a 6wk miscarriage.
Then it was what would have been the 12wk mark with the pregnancy we lost last February. That’s when we would have announced publicly.
Then shockingly our 1st chemical didn’t hit me hard at all, but having another chemical the cycle right after threw me into a tailspin.
Then it was the due date of the previously mentioned 6wk loss.
Then it was starting with our fertility clinic. Just the “I never thought we’d have to do this” mindset.
@hotinco I don’t think it’s a milestone, but seeing so many people have babies and I was still trying for almost 2 years. I always asked myself “why me? What did I do to deserve this?”
It was also every time the cycle started over again. Every negative test. Ugh. Torture.
But I do want to tell you ladies that it did eventually work out for me. So it’s not impossible to have a baby after trying for so long, even though it feels like it.
@hotinco There were so many. Starting treatments was really hard for me. Each new treatment is like a loss of how it was supposed to be and a new hope. In some ways it became easier with time and in others it became harder.
All the little reminders in life are hard too - birthdays, holidays, mothers and fathers day, people making comments, people getting pregnant.
@hotinco I’m on a similar timeline as you with age 35 looming in a few months. I can’t believe I still have nothing to show for it and I really thought it would be easier than it is. Add to that a shitty first fertility appointment with a doctor using information from the Stone Age and I am on edge all the time about baby stuff.
We found out another of our friends are expecting and me having to pretend to be happy when I just want to die is really starting to affect my marriage. My husband is supportive but as the woman I think it’s always harder for us to be dealing with this. Sounds selfish because I don’t want to celebrate anyone. But hell, I don’t even care about having a baby shower and all this attention seeking stuff. I just want my baby!!!
For me, Mothers and Father’s Day is beyond rough and birthdays aren’t fun anymore since the passage of time just shows what we don’t have at this age
@hotinco The 6th month hit hard. The 12th month hit hard. Our 3rd failed IUI hit hard. But the hardest thing has been the realization that IVF might not be achievable for us. My husband is active duty enlisted, we don't make much money and are constantly moving. We got excited to be stationed to Japan as IVF is much cheaper there and might be able to afford it. Only to find out that the ship he is going to deploys really often for months at a time and he'll only be back for at most a month at a time. And it's not like we get a schedule of the year in advance so we can plan around for IVF one month. So have now reached the milestone of being not by choice child free. This one is the hardest one to hit.
@atrh111 Can’t they use frozen sperm to create embryos? If he’s home for a month at a time that should be enough time to go in for an appointment to drop the sample and store it? Or multiple samples.
@hotinco I first conceived in my 4th cycle, but it ended in a loss at 12 weeks. So far, the milestone that's hurt the most is not conceiving again in my second 4th cycle. I felt like such a failure because I couldn't do it as quickly as the first time, and now I'm 7 months older than I was the first time, so that time of being pregnant and then waiting to get my period back after the miscarriage really set me back. The next milestone, coming up in less than 5 weeks, that will be really awful is the due date, and then my 38th birthday in May. I'm trying so hard not to put lots and lots of pressure on myself for this cycle, but I know if this one's a bust and I'm not pregnant for the due date, it's going to be a really shitty month.
@hotinco I wanted to have my first kid at 25, and since we started trying when I was 24 that seemed totally reasonable. I'll be 26 in 6 months, and this birthday will be especially hard because the due date for my miscarriage was about a week after it. Now I'm just hoping to have a kid when I'm 26. I know I'm still young but I always wanted 3 - 5 kids and now I'm wondering if that's possible.
@eastside Your experience is so valid. It’s a pet peeve of mine in TTC community people say to “younger” people that they’re young and still have time. A “younger” age doesn’t make a TTC journey emotions any easier.
@hotinco I ended up getting fertility support to conceive. Might as well talk to your doc and get testing. We were lucky and IUI was successful but I have friends who have gone through IVF. For me, the hardest moments when were friends got easily pregnant/seemed like everyone I “knew” via social media was
@hotinco I had a full depressive breakdown at the 6 month mark given that I had only ovulated twice in that time. For me the biggest heartbreak was blank OPKs, realizing I wasn’t ovulating on time like everyone else. Super long cycles. Wondering if I’d ever get a real shot. 1 year was hard but I was in therapy by then. By 15 months I had made an outline of steps I wanted to take and when as we headed towards the 2 year mark. It included taking time off of work and going on vacation so that gave me something to look forward to.
@hotinco I found the 9 months mark surprisingly hard because I kept thinking "If we had succeeded right away, I would have a Baby now" and that really hit different
@hotinco Yeah, reaching the 8-month mark was tough for me as well, especially since statistically, I thought I'd surely be pregnant by then. When the one-year mark came around, I opted to try Clomid. I was ecstatic to conceive in the first round in January, but then I miscarried on February 14th. Although I'm surprisingly coping well mentally with the miscarriage, it still brings up worrying thoughts about the future. Will I conceive again? Will I miscarry again? Will I ever have a successful pregnancy? This entire journey is incredibly challenging. However, I haven’t lost hope and have already started ttc again.
@hotinco The 1 year mark was really hard but also kinda liberating. Basically because we know we’re gona stop trying and just use medical intervention. We just hit the 1 year in January and now we’re focusing on saving money for IUI and then IVF as a backup plan. But now I am not going to try to jam in 7-8 “baby dances” in my fertile window and stressing us both out. And now I’m done blaming my body or my husbands diet etc. it just wasn’t in our cards to have it done “organically”.
@bolt as someone who just crossed the year mark, this is helpful. my husband and I were also glad to get to the threshold where we can make big moves for medical intervention instead of wondering wtf we're doing wrong. Trying to keep that in mind when my fear about "what are we actually going to have to do" creeps in.
@hotinco turning 35, hitting the 1 year mark, and a couple of "haha jk i'm your period and I'm here late as hell" fake outs have been hardest. I feel a little more hopeful now that we've got labs and such scheduled but I know I'm teetering on the edge of a complete emotional breakdown if the labs come back bad or doc's first suggestion doesn't take. (to be fair, I cried an inordinate amount right before my last period started, so complete emotional breakdown isn't over a huge threshold or anything hahaha). So far I'm okay with other people popping out babies everywhere, which kinda surprised me but I'm thankful. I know that could quickly change the longer this goes. womp womp.
@hotinco It's all hard...but it's sort of interesting to look back and think about which moments hit me the hardest. For me I think it's:
Cycle 3 - I was convinced I was pregnant, and convinced it would probably take "about 3 months."
Randomly cycle 9? - again, was just convinced I was pregnant, thought there had been all these signs, it was the anniversary of a death in our immediate family...
The new year.
First appointment with our RE around cycle 13-ish. Even though I already knew the reality of our situation, it really hurt to hear a medical professional say the things out loud.
End of cycle 14 - this was our last cycle before we did all of the baseline testing and appointments to get set up for IVF.
I will say, there are also plenty of 'milestones' that didn't hurt as much as I thought they would, including two good friends being pregnant or having babies, and this month when we're actually starting IVF. Sometimes I feel hopeful, sometimes I don't, and it's not always logical. You certainly learn a lot about yourself going through this process!
