What are the best phrases you never thought you’d have to say?

[myrockbrokethechains]

@kaylank92 It’s okay to be a hippo and attack me, but you can’t bite me when you’re a hippo.

 

[lulu_glo]

@kaylank92 My son would get up onto any elevated surface he could, jump off, and be super bummed out that he couldn't fly.

One day at the park, he got onto a bench, jumped, gravity did it's thing and he landed perfectly on his 2 feet, all to his dismay.

"Dad."
"Yeah bud"
"I can't fly"
"That's a bummer bud. Sorry"
"Stupid birds"
"Yeah. Stupid birds"

 

[ray3]

@kaylank92 Why is this sticky!?

 

[ufoxummy]

@kaylank92 Don't lick your brother's tongue. I heard this from my brother to his daughter.

 

[suz75]

@kaylank92 "Is unlce Josh's girlfriend dead?"

"No"

"Oh.........is she updating?"

 

[probablynot]

@kaylank92 So many of these are grisly poop stories… makes me feel like I got really lucky

 

[bruinsfan37]

@probablynot Top of the tallest slide, no underwear. I cried.

 

[tboss]

@kaylank92 To my wife - “she pooped in the tub again”

 

[2soulsearch]

@kaylank92 Quit stabbing your sister!

 

[cajames]

@kaylank92 poo poo pee pee

 

[buylatisse]

@kaylank92 No hun you may not poop in the cat's litter box

 

[katrina2017]

@kaylank92 Why did you flush slime down the toilet?

 

[sharon3]

@kaylank92 “Give me the screwdriver the dog isn’t enjoying you stabbing her”. Our dog lets my toddler do whatever he wants with no complaints.

 

[iambuddha55]

@kaylank92 I promised myself I’d never say “because I said so!” Hated hearing that as a kid and it was never a good enough reason for me. Cut to: me saying that in every other possible combination of words besides “because I said so!”

 

[notaspammer]

@kaylank92 Please don't wrap your penis around the fork...
Ah yes dinner table conversations

 

[vettesfan]

@kaylank92 No sticks in the house.
Rocks stay outside.

 

[mlabarge]

@kaylank92 Oh my Gosh. He pooped on a Bible.

 

[hartenseelvira]

@kaylank92 For some reason when my kid was very young I got really into taking her Elmo plushie and doing a pretty flawless impression where I’d say “Elmo become cruise missile” and I’d launch it at her.

It turned into all kinds of violent scenarios. “Elmo become death, destroya of worlds,” or “Elmo cause nucleah wintah” or “Elmo do carpet bombing on civilian centah.”

The kid never reacted much but my wife and I found it highly amusing.

 

[tinyhomebiglife]

@kaylank92 Wow every comment is “ butts” or “dicks” or “poop”

Hilarious Reddit. Hilarious…

 

[truth10]

@kaylank92 “ got stressed up while working”