Severe anxiety about upcoming bachelorette trip for my best friend and leaving baby

[ancerbnorehem]

@miyuki256 I was in a similar situation about a year ago, and it really ruined the relationship between myself and the bride-to-be.

My son was a bit older (had just turned 1), but we were very much in a routine of mommy putting him to bed every night and waking up with him for snuggles and comfort throughout the night. My mother-in-law had agreed to stay with him for the long weekend while my husband and I attended to wedding and pre-wedding affairs, but I just could not bring myself to leave him for 3 nights and be 2+ hours away from him for days on end. I did my best to accommodate the rehearsal timeline, makeup/hair, etc, but in the end, she decided she didn’t want me in the bridal party.

It hurt. Honestly, it still hurts to think about. We’ve had very little contact since then and I don’t really consider her a friend at all anymore. But I do feel justified in every choice I made because I know in my heart that I was committed to my baby, and he is the most important thing in my life (like her wedding was the most important thing in HER life, so I respect her decisions, as well).

I guess I’m just sharing this story as a reminder that it’s okay to move on from friendships that no longer suit you. It’s really hard and I still feel sad about it, but you know what’s right for you and your child, and if it’s not good enough for the bride, then make sure you are willing to accept that it may cost you your friendship, as harsh as that may sound.

 

[livegently]

@miyuki256 There’s no way in hell I would leave my baby for 3 nights. You’ve offered an extremely generous option and she belittled you. Hard pass.

 

[paulfan]

@miyuki256 It sounds like instead of appreciating the effort you're making to attend, your friend is being pretty judgemental and unfair. You don't need to explain or justify yourself to ANYONE. You're putting your baby first, because they're a baby.

My LO is a year old and I wouldn't be comfortable leaving her for even one night. Especially if it's to spend time with people who want to be so cruel about my parenting choices. Big trips for bachelorettes are a big ask anyway, but especially when you have a baby.

No is a full sentence.

 

[megbower316]

@miyuki256 My baby is nearly 8 months and I have only been away from her for 15mins at a time to go to the shops. Your friend sound self centred, selfish and I think in your shoes I wouldn't be going at all

 

[crytears]

@miyuki256 Hell no I’m not leaving my baby. Mine is 2 and i still couldn’t leave him for a trip like this

 

[byrd123]

@miyuki256 I just want to say thank you for this post. I could have written it. I have an upcoming bachelorette party that I’m really feeling pressure to attend as I’m MOH. I am breastfeeding and cosleeping, and so I had planned for my husband and baby to stay nearby so I could pop in and deliver milk as needed. The bride got super upset over this when she found out, said I was asking for “too much”, (even though it wouldn’t impact her?) and texted a mutual friend some pretty nasty things about me. It’s made me pull away from the friendship altogether, but I also don’t want to cause drama or ruin her time/ wedding. Still not sure what to do, but really thinking about not going at all given the reaction. It’s tough because I planned everything (based on her specific requests) and now I don’t want to go at all. She’s also a mother, so I didn’t think that it would be an issue. I’m really struggling with it!

 

[miyuki256]

@byrd123 I’m sorry you are experiencing this as well
I hope things work out for all involved. We have to make our boundaries clear even if it feels like others will be disappointed. Hopefully your friend will take a step back and come to you with an apology.

 

[akent1025]

@miyuki256 Not the same situation, but similar! My daughter is 14 months. We no longer BF, but like you, have not been apart for more than 3 or 4 hours since she was born. She is my beating heart and we are very attached. I recently had to attend my best friends bachelorette party in NY, and since I live in TX this obviously meant getting on a plane and flying hundreds and hundreds of miles away from my baby - cue the debilitating anxiety. I dreaded it for months but received support from family and friends that because of the secure attachment we have built, we were both ready for a few days apart. I lined everything up at home best I could, left detailed instructions for my husband and Nanny, and the hardest part - let go and trust! I sobbed all the way to the airport but let me tell you…once I was there and joined the girls, I felt so much better. It honestly felt good to just be responsible for…myself!

I know your situation is different because you’re driving and will have your husband and baby nearby (amazing to have this option!) but I promise you’ll have so much fun, your husband will benefit from having to figure it out during the tough points and your son will ABSOLUTELY benefit from learning to find comfort in his dad too.

Your friend is being judgmental. She should be grateful you’re even attending at all. I’d tell her that, honestly. I’m assuming she doesn’t have kids.

Oh! One thing I’ll recommend is that you DONT FaceTime your baby/husband during your absence. We tried this and since it made me so happy to see her I assumed it would do the same for her, but it didn’t. It just reminded her of my absence and she became incredibly confused and sad that I was “there” but not really. I felt awful but chalked it up to a well intentioned mom-fail. So- be there with him when you’re physically there to feed, but when you’re not there, disappear (no FaceTiming, calling, looking at pictures of Mommy etc). This is just my experience of course, please do what is best for you and your family!

TLDR: you’re gonna have so much fun and feel like you again for a few days. Your bond/attachment will not break or even bend from this. Have fun!