Severe anxiety about upcoming bachelorette trip for my best friend and leaving baby

@miyuki256 I also stayed home with and EBF my daughter until she was 17 months old. Never took a bottle past a few weeks old. When she was just over a year old, I was invited to a bachelorette party a few hours from home. My daughter, my husband, and I stayed in another rental down the road. I spent as much time as I could with my friends, came home when I needed to nurse, went back to the party, and slept with my family at night. It worked out so perfectly, everyone was happy, and it eased so many anxieties. No bachelorette party is worth that amount of added stress on you or your baby. Trust your gut! I’m sure they won’t even notice you going back and forth. My friends didn’t at all!
 
@miyuki256 I would go with your gut. I left my baby with her dad overnight for a concert, and I didn’t want to at all. I was anxious the whole time and just wishing I was with her. She is also very attached to me at bed time. It was just rough all the way around and I wish I had listened to my gut and just pissed my friends off and not gone.

It is okay to not want to be away from your baby!!
 
@miyuki256 I didn’t breastfeed and my partner has always done half of the night wakings but I wouldn’t spend 3 nights away from my baby now that she’s 21 months old let alone at 10 months. Some people are fine with it and I wouldn’t judge anyone for taking 3 nights away but also I personally wouldn’t want to and I don’t think it’s a symptom of anything that you want your baby close by and don’t want to be away from them for three nights! Different people are ok with different things. I can understand your friend feels like you might not really be focused on her and her bachelorette if you’re popping back to see your baby a lot but ultimately your feelings about your child trump hers about you, you know?

Even if you did have PP anxiety then so what? That wouldn’t mean you should just leave your baby for three nights as if that would magically make you get over it and have a great time partying with your friend. You’d be having a horrible time! (Not that I think you have PP anything, just your friend saying that makes no sense if she thinks it’s going to make you change your plans.

You offered what you’re comfortable with and your friend has to accept it or accept you’re not coming. Maybe reassure her you will be present with her and only pop back to see your baby once a day or something but that you are only willing to come if you can do it this way. If she thinks you have anxiety then hopefully she’d be caring and empathetic and understand this is what you need. Maybe put it to her that way, and explain how it’s making you worry as you feel like you really want to be there for her but you just can’t take that long away from your child right now. Be firm and kind and if she doesn’t accept it be firm and unkind! A real friend would be understanding.
 
@miyuki256 My 2 cents - assuming your baby will eat and have a loving care giver for those days, I do NOT think this will have a lasting negative effect on her. 2 of my 3 babies would have been just fine if I was gone for three nights at 10 months, so this is really baby dependent.

However, constantly having to pump, to find places to pump when everyone is doing activities and drinking and partying sounds super unpleasant. I hate pumping so it would be awful under the best of circumstances for me, but your aversion may not be so strong.

Now, I’m a pretty reasonable person, if I was the bride and thought this was ridiculous but you came to me and explained as you have here, and I really valued our friendship, I would understand. As the friend though? If my bride to be friend was giving me a hard time about this, I’d really question the utility of the friendship. I wouldn’t burn the bridge, but I’d be really inclined to say hey, friend, we are in different places and that happens with friends sometimes. I’m going to have to skip this event. If you would rather not have me in the bridal party I totally understand, no hard feelings, in fact perhaps you would like to include a different friend who is on the same page with you in terms of life stages. Then go on your merry way. This friend will either have a baby one day and realize why this was hard, or she won’t. But it kind of doesn’t matter much if she can’t be supportive of you now. Personally I think life is too short to make major concessions to people who act unreasonably.
 
@miyuki256 Your friend probably doesn’t realize that even if baby doesn’t come, you still need to take breaks to pump to avoid engorgement and mastitis! Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from.
 
@miyuki256 Your friend is kind of a dick. You offered your own solution to not interfere with her event and she's shaming you for it? When I had a 6 month old my best friend booked an Airbnb with an extra room for my husband and the baby to stay in. When one specific bridesmaid complained, she booked him a regular BnB down the street and often invited him to stay and join us for meals. She even picked the airbnb because it had a highchair for the baby. THAT is how friends act.

Sometimes friendships fade or change after children are introduced to it-- and that is okay! You do what you think is best, what you need to do, and if you catch flak for being the best parent you can, then think hard about what kind of people you want in your life going forward.
 
@miyuki256 That is ridiculous. My sister (and MOH) came to my bachelorette at our family cabin for 2 nights and left one day early because her daughter was 18 months. But I had given her a complete out to not come if she wasn’t comfortable leaving her. I didn’t want her to bring the baby because I wanted to party without having to be considerate of a baby in the house. But if she had said she wanted her baby to stay in another house and visit once in a while I would have been totally considerate of that! It’s completely normal to not feel comfortable leaving your baby who isn’t even 1!!

I JUST left my 15mo twins for 2 nights to wean them and it was a lot. I was ready to go back home after 24 hours.
 
@miyuki256 I would definitely not go. Hell I wouldn't even want to leave my 7 year old for 3 nights definitely not a breastfeeding baby. A true friend would understand, however, if you have made commitments to pay I would make sure you still pay it if deposits have been paid. My friend dropped out of my bachelorette just because she changed her mind, I was understanding but it left me out of pocket as I still had to pay for her room which did annoy me.
 
@miyuki256 You are acting completely normal!
I EBF and cosleep (14.5 months) and at 10 months we went on a holiday with my parents, during the day we went skiing, and left him with my parents from abt 10.30am - 3.30pm, and that was the longest I’d ever been apart from him. It was a good ice breaker, and he was fine (we are very close with my parents) infact, since then it’s been progressively easier for him to spend time away from me. You really start to notice their independence. That said, I still haven’t spent a night apart, but am gearing up to do it in the next few months….
 
@miyuki256 I exclusively breastfeed and left my baby with Dad for 3 nights when she was 5mo for my sister's bachelorette. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I felt a lot of pressure to be okay with leaving her even though everyone on the trip was as understanding as non-parents can be. All the moms in my life who breastfed thought I was crazy for even considering going. It was personally really important to me to be there for my sister, so we made it work, but I wouldn't have done it (build stock, bottle train, pump all day, miss her hugs) for anyone else in the world.

I originally planned for baby+dad to be nearby the whole time, similar to you, though it didn't work out logistically for other reasons. This is what I'd do if I had to do it again, and is an incredibly reasonable compromise.

Not going is also reasonable! There is no set timeline for when a baby should be able to thrive away from mom. All families use different tools and certain popular ones (e.g. bottles, separate sleeping, pumping) don't work for all families.

I just wanted to give you solidarity in your pre-trip anxiety. I hope you have the support to decide how to approach this with what's most important to you and your family. And if you do end up going, remember that you can tap out of any activity that's taking too much from your cup, and remember to lean into any activity that is replenishing too!
 
@miyuki256 19 month old checking in.. My best friend’s hen party is one evening fairly local (1.5hours away) to where I live, and I’m not going because we breastfeed to sleep; always have done; I’m not willing to stress myself or my daughter out. I’m 36 so I’ve had my time for now :)
 
@miyuki256 I just recently told a good friend that I couldn't make the same trip for her celebrations for the same reasons as you. My baby is 15 months old now and breastfed. She was SO fine about it and even said she would plan something else for us to do together to celebrate in a way that is easy for me. This person sounds like a rubbish friend and I think you'll regret this if you do go. 🙏 💘
 
@miyuki256 My little one is very close to yours in age, mainly bottle fed, goes to daycare 10hours a day as I’m working full time and I still wouldn’t even had said yes to such a trip.

Since the Airbnb has been booked, and if your “friend” is being so unreasonable, the furthest compromise I would make is to stay at the Airbnb and go for SOME parts of her bachelorette, not the other way round.

I’m not even considering how well your husband can handle baby on his own. Even if he was perfectly competent, it’s still awfully challenging to be handling the baby for 3 full days solo at a place that’s not your own home.

If you are financially strapped, and if the Airbnb is refundable, I would seriously say no to this. Cook up a reason if you have to. Baby cannot sleep well at night without you. You don’t have pumping equipment and even if you bought it, and will be away 4-6x away for an hour at a time and won’t be able to participate fully. Doctor advises you not to take trips because XX. Or heck, baby can “fall sick” at the last minute (although that might mean deposits lost for you)

I’m livid she says you have PPD. It’s perfectly valid not to want to leave your baby for such extended periods. If she is truly your best friend, she won’t be such a bridezilla over this.
 
@miyuki256 This isn't ridiculous at all! Seems like a great approach. A lot of people would have just skipped the weekend. I still haven't spent a night away from my 19 month old (but going to soon I think).
 
@miyuki256 My daughter is 12 months and I will not be spending the night away from her for a long time. I also breastfeed and nurse. She would have night without me. I have zero desire to leave her and I will skip weddings, parties, whatever. If they don’t understand screw them.
 
I wish I could individually respond to all of you as I am so very grateful for all of your responses. I’m taking all of your feedback- the experienced advice and or words of solidarity. I haven’t posted much on Reddit and wish I had for other circumstances as this has been so helpful and comforting.

I texted my friend and let her know that I will only be going on this trip if I can prioritize my baby without judgement. I told her that the only reason I’m even considering going at all is because of how much she means to me and that I want so badly to be able to celebrate her and that I hope she can understand. She called me and apologized. She does have a 3 yo son and her circumstances were much different from ours so she explained that she had to stop and put things into perspective to see where I’m coming from. She is also dealing with a lot so I understand her momentary lack of judgment/understanding and appreciate her apology. I’m going to go and will be staying at the air bnb with my family and popping in and out of the bachelorette festivities as /u/[colourfulgiraffe] suggested.

Thank you all so much again!! You’ve given me the confidence I’ve needed to face this head on and I feel so much better.
 
@miyuki256 This is the shift of true adulthood - when it is not about people pleasing, but advocating for your child’s needs as they can’t for themselves. Your baby NEEDS mom, you are his entire universe as I have heard it put. Not wants, needs.

Her perspective is valid to her. Okay, let that be her reality. If there is still such a major difference in values and she can’t let live and support your decisions, cut ties after the wedding.

Be super savage when it comes to boundaries. They wanna stay out late? Let them. But you choose motherhood and align with your inner voice. She isn’t a bad person, she just is unable to see how truly important your role as a mom is. Maybe she will in time and years from now will meet you with an “ah ha!”. Maybe not. But live your calling with conviction.
 
@miyuki256 I EBF both my daughters. Coslept/cosleep still. I am still nursing my 2.5 year old. All that to say there is no way I would have went on this trip when my girls were that age. It would have been a nightmare for me and them both.
 
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