UPDATE: I (24) recently found out I have a 5yo son I never knew about and now he lives with me

Here's the background for what I' updating:
So, first of all, thanks so much for the advice and support I've received over the past several days. I wasn't expecting anywhere near the amount of messages and comments I got. The past few days have obviously been extremely busy so I'm sorry if I wasn't able to reply to most comments.

I Left on Thursday to go and meet Jack. It was a 3 hour drive. My boss told me I could have a couple weeks off with pay (I work in finance/property development so I'm able to work from home easily) and then I could probably go on paternity leave. When I got to the foster home, the social worker introduced us, apparently she had previously told him who I was but only introduced me by my first name. Obviously it was awkward but it overall went well. Afterwards, the 3 of us (jack, me and the social worker) went to his old home to get some of his stuff, a 2 bedroom suite in a public housing co-op. I have to admit, the place was a total rats nest. I knew that his mother had been on drugs, but the entire suite took me by surprise. I told him that we could take anything he wanted, he mostly grabbed toys and clothes. I know a lot of people asked me to bring his bedding, but he didn't have any sheets, just a comforter that was falling apart, so I opted to leave it. The management of the co-op is going to handle the disposal of the rest of the stuff in the suite. We were done by about 2 PM and then hit the road.

I had to get a car seat since it's mandatory in my province for kids under 9, so that was interesting trying to figure out how that all goes together. It was another 3 hour drive back to my place. I tried to make small talk and ask him about his life and interests, but he was obviously really shy and quiet. We stopped halfway through the drive for lunch and it was kind of the same; awkward conversation. It was kind of awkward getting him to order food since he wasn't sure of what he liked I guess, but he settled on chicken strips. He fell asleep for the rest of the drive home, which gave me a chance to digest everything that had happened over the last couple days. We finally got home around 6 PM. He went right to bed and slept through the night while I listened to parenting podcasts (yeah I know, last minute cramming). I have a 4 bedroom house so I gave him the guest room. (only other bedroom I have furnished as a bedroom).

Friday, he woke up at like 5 am and woke me up asking for breakfast. I fed him some orange juice and cereal. Afterwards, I asked him what he liked to watch and we ended up settling on Paw Patrol. I had planned on going to get him new clothes, bedding and food, but while watching TV, I saw him eyeballing my fishing rods that I keep on a rack on my front door. I asked him if he liked fishing but he said he had never been. I felt like this was a good opportunity for bonding and asked if he wanted to. with that, he lit right up and was actually smiling and exciting for the first time since we had met. I live a 10 minute walk from the ocean so we grabbed some gear and headed over. We spent 2 hours there while I showed him the basics and how to cast. He genuinely had a good time, and so did I. He actually caught one before we left and went absolutely mad laughing. I knew I had to get a picture of him holding his first fish and I almost became emotional with how happy he was. Afterwards, we went home and then went out to go shopping. I guess he hadn't really ever been able to choose his clothes and wasn't used to brand new clothes, so he was acting as if he could only choose like 3 shirts. I had to make some judgment calls as to what to get him. It was the same with buying groceries and bedding. I had thought of calling my girlfriend and inviting her over to meet him, but figured that might be a lot at once, I had told her about Jack previously and she's totally supportive, as are my friends. That night, he asked if he had to take a bath. I hadn't really thought of that but it had been 2 days now so I figured that yeah, he does need one. After getting over the whole ''I'm going to jail'' vibe of giving jack a bath, he just played in the water. I wasn't sure if I should leave him alone or not, so I just kind of sat there awkwardly before washing his hair and drying him off. Getting him to brush his teeth was a bit of a fight, apparently he didn't have to do it all that often back home but he finally agreed when we did it together. Luckily after reading reddit posts about bed-time, I figured 7 PM would be good. After putting him to bed, we finally talked about his mom dying. It was pretty messy and he cried a lot and we hugged for most of it.

Saturday was pretty relaxed and was mostly spent hanging out at home. My neighbours have elementary school-aged kids so I'm trying to figure out how to approach them to getting the kids together to play. He only turned 5 a couple weeks ago so he won't be starting kindergarten until September so I need to look into daycare down the line. Tomorrow (Monday) I plan on taking to a pediatrician to do a physical to get an idea of his health and have him refer a counsellor or therapist for Jack to help him get through this rough time. I also need to find him a dentist. He's still calling me by my first name and isn't calling me dad, I told him it's totally up to him when or if he wants to call me that. Right now I'm just trying to focus on giving him a safe environment and make sure he feels comfortable during this transition.

So far, so good...

EDIT:
  1. No, I haven't told my mom yet. I plan on calling her tomorrow or the next day
  2. I wish I could reply to every comment but truly, thank you so much to everyone who had given their support and advice. I am in shock of the kindness that total strangers have to give
- For the people who are claiming BS:

a) I do not own my house; It was my grandparents originally, left to my mother. But she lives out of province so I'm in the process currently of buying her out.

b) If you're calling out about medical inaccuracies, I'm not a doctor. If it's beyond basic first aid or high school biology, I am not an authority medicine. I'm just repeating what I heard a social worker say to me after telling me that I'm a father, I was totally in shock so I may have missed some medical specifics.

c) No, Jack could not cast a fishing rod by himself, I had to stand behind him and help him hold it. But if he ever asks, it was all him...
 
@mercantilewriter This is a lovely update. After all the poor little boy has been through, I cant think of anything better for him than going to live with a dad who loves him, has plenty of money to support him and right by the ocean too! My heart broke for him reading your first post, because i have a 6yo son myself. Hope everything works out for you two.
 
@mercantilewriter Your Dad instincts are totally on point! Responding to him, giving him choices (choosing clothes etc), giving him safe space to grieve his mum. Amazing stuff. He will remember that spontaneous fishing trip for the rest of his life. Am in tears reading the update, all the very best as you two find your way together!
 
@mercantilewriter Good for you, mate. Sounds like you're doing great!

Regarding the bath thing, here's my two cents:

1) there's nothing wrong with you hanging out in the bathroom with him if he wants company; you can chat, play with bath toys together, or you can read him a book.

2) if he wants some space/privacy, at age 5 I'd say it's also fine for him to be in the bath alone as long he knows basic safety protocol (don't stand on the edge, don't stand up at all unless you're getting in or out, etc) and as long as you're within earshot (i.e., if you hear a thump you'll need to check in to be sure he didn't slip and knock himself out.)

However, other people can be pretty obsessive about not leaving a 5-year-old alone in the bath so again that's just my two cents. (I have a 9-year-old and a 5-year-old.)

7pm is a good bedtime. My youngest goes to bed at 7:30 mostly because I can't shorten our routine any more than it already is. If he's dragging his feet getting ready for bed and winds up going to bed a bit late... don't stress about it.

For tooth brushing fights, I have taken the policy "ok you don't have to brush your teeth tonight, but then we aren't eating anything with sugar in it tomorrow" (no breakfast cereal, no sweetened yogurt, no candy). That usually brings them around, but if it doesn't I let them push the boundary and experience the consequences. You might also check out the podcast "Chompers," it has fun facts and stuff for kids to listen to while brushing and tells the kids when to switch sides and when they've brushed for long enough.
 
@ggirl1986 I love that rule about brushing teeth! It has natural consequences and gets them to make a decision (rather than being forced to do it because an authority told them to)
 
@kings73186 Wellll, kind of logical consequences more than natural (natural would be "get a cavity and see how you like that" I think).

But, logical in the sense that "well, if I can't trust you to brush your teeth, then I'm going to do what I can to keep your teeth healthy otherwise"
 
@mercantilewriter I could cry reading this. You did wonderful. Like wonderfuuuul, I can’t even say enough. Boys do so well with activities so it was great you noticed he was eyeing the fishing rods and you picked up on that. Chicken fingers are always a safe choice if you aren’t sure lol my son is 5 so your posts tug right at my heart. Also consider that he may not be ready for kindergarten in the fall, it sounds like he hasn’t had much structure. I know childcare is down the line but my biggest suggestion is finding preschool that’s structured and will get him ready for school (you may have to look at private preschool versus a traditional day care setting.. churches usually have very affordable preschool programs.. at least here in the states).

Bath time you did great. My son loves to just “relax” in the water. I give the option whether he wants me to wash him or he wash himself—which sounds like woukd probably make jack more comfortable having an option. Also take into consideration he may have never been taught how to wash or brush teeth etc. again, you’re doing so well at all of this so just little things. Bed time was a solid time.. also check his cues throughout the day—he may still need a nap (.my son does). Anytime you can get out and do a physical activity he’s going to thrive and love it.. he may even discuss more.

Maybe look into some childrens books to read at bed time — the wonkey donkey always cracks my son up, the pigeon books (don’t let the pigeon stay up late etc), little critter books, Pete the car, pig and elephant books by mo willems, you can probably also find some childrens books about death and dying that are more his speed. Bless you and him, love this update
 
@mercantilewriter It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job of tackling a mountain-sized surprise like this. There are plenty of parents in 2-parent households who don't step up nearly as well.

Please remember to give yourself a break now and then for both your sakes. Best of luck going forward, you've got a solid start already. :)
 
@mercantilewriter I am so glad to hear an update on your story! It sounds like you are doing all the right things; letting your instincts lead the way! I think you are doing a fantastic job! Congratulations on this new journey! I'm very happy for you and Jack!
 
@mercantilewriter this is genuinely the sweetest thing I’ve read in a while. you’re doing a great job and you seem to have your wits about you when it comes to taking care of him. don’t forget that you probably need some support during all of this too, so don’t be afraid to also see a therapist and ask for help, as this is a big adjustment for you. good luck to you both, sending lots of love your way ❤️
 
@chrissie0555 Oh, I do. This woman was supposedly a junkie who couldn't afford clothes or bedding but she had enough to pay at attorney to write a will? I don't know a single person in their 20s who has a will. Especially not a drug addict.

Also a 24 year old owning a 4 bedroom house doesn't sound believable either. Everything in this story just worked out too perfectly. Sounds like a bad movie.
 
Back
Top