wynning826
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And I want to add my husband also falls asleep and won't wake up to baby cries. I guess 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep isn't enough for him.
Unhelpful husband
- Thread starter rubbles
- Start date
@wynning826 If the 12 full hours of sleep is accurate, I have a question for you to consider. Does he have a sleep disorder of some kind? The reason I ask here is that sleep apnea can absolutely make it so you are excessively sleepy and appear to sleep a lot -- but it's not restful sleep at all because you stop breathing multiple times a night, causing you to slightly wake up each time it happens. If someone is falling asleep easily and isn't rested after 12 full hours of sleep, a sleep study is probably a really good idea.
(Not a health professional, just a working mom with a CPAP that helps me actually sleep and feel rested.)
(Not a health professional, just a working mom with a CPAP that helps me actually sleep and feel rested.)
wynning826
New member
@elden He does actually have sleep apnea but he refuses to use his cpap machine! He uses it like once a week. I try to make him use it but he's a grown man with all his problems solutions right there and he refuses to utilize them so I don't feel sorry for him 
He says he has trouble getting up because he's more comfortable sleeping so that's why he doesn't use it a lot : | which I laugh at because no matter what I'm still up first feeding the kids and doing everything. I think it's a mix of sleep apnea and pure laziness.
He says he has trouble getting up because he's more comfortable sleeping so that's why he doesn't use it a lot : | which I laugh at because no matter what I'm still up first feeding the kids and doing everything. I think it's a mix of sleep apnea and pure laziness.pheadablessed
New member
@wynning826 He's literally weaponising a health issue.
Your tolerance for this man is extraordinary.
Your tolerance for this man is extraordinary.
wynning826
New member
@wynning826 Can you wake him up?
jamesmason10
New member
katrina2017
New member
@rubbles I feel for you. I can relate. My issue is I don’t like confrontation and complaining because I don’t want to fight. I tell him what I want or ask. Then watch it not happen or fail miserably. I let it go because he does a lot of other house things that I cannot do. But now our family has grown and I am just too tired to do as much as I am. So, as other posters will say “leave him,” I will not give you that advice. I’d rather we find ways to communicate clearly and guide them. If that still does not add up, we get professional help. Something has to give before you say “I give up.”
@rubbles Just here to say you sound like me and your husband sounds like my husband. No advice, just solidarity. I’m terrible at asking for help so it’s extra infuriating when I DO ask and he still doesn’t do it. Recently he told me he feels like he “isn’t doing enough” and it took all I had not to agree. But then I resent that kind of comment because he’s also putting it on ME - yet another thing for me to fix! Sigh…I hope things improve for you soon!
@ben332 Oh girl, I feel you. When you say "yet another thing for me to fix" I felt it to my core. I think you should open up that feeling with him. I have figured out ways to articulate that, and I think it can get better. We definitely had fights sometimes when that particular phrase was communicated, but eventually my husband got past his own emotional issues and realized what I was trying to say - why do I have to be the super hero ever damn time in this family? Can you please solve problems on your own without complaining to me? It's so subtle though, the difference between venting and asking your spouse to come in and save the day. And that's why communication is so important. 
Good luck.
Good luck.@rubbles I think you're resentful because you think about if the man made 2.5 times as much, then the wife might consider quitting her job. If she quit her job, you better believe that house and children would be managed well and the husband would barely need to lift a finger. You can't consider the reverse because you'd have a jobless husband and still be on the hook for the house.
There was a time when my husband was much less competent than he is now. I think part of it was that we had less kids and he could get away with doing less and now we have four kids and that's not possible. Two parents are nearly always required and chores are split.
The other thing is that I stopped caring. I used to get mad when he didn't do as much as me and that didn't cause him to step up his game as I hoped. So what I did was decrease my game and for awhile, we were even in both being lazy. What I never imagined would happen is that he picked up the slack on his own! He just didn't want me telling him to do more I guess, lol.
There was a time when my husband was much less competent than he is now. I think part of it was that we had less kids and he could get away with doing less and now we have four kids and that's not possible. Two parents are nearly always required and chores are split.
The other thing is that I stopped caring. I used to get mad when he didn't do as much as me and that didn't cause him to step up his game as I hoped. So what I did was decrease my game and for awhile, we were even in both being lazy. What I never imagined would happen is that he picked up the slack on his own! He just didn't want me telling him to do more I guess, lol.
@rubbles My wife and I (both 38 F) have been through this. I was the stay at home mom while our kid was little. My wife was still in the active duty military at the time, and she was working a terrible schedule: 12 hour shifts that randomly rotated between days and nights. It was awful and she was wrecked whenever she was home. I basically did everything home and kid related. I'm not kidding when I say she literally did nothing except exist when she was home.
My wife is transgender (male to female) and transitioned when she left the military. So we had this entire journey where she had to learn that her former veneer of male privilege didn't carry the fuck over to her brand new life. I was raised very traditionally and religiously (think TradCath) and I never talked back to my husband. Not the case with my wife. She probably thought I lost a few screws, but what really happened was that I started treating her like a peer and equal- not the Head of the Household.
After my wife got out of the military I went back to school, and I became the breadwinner. She wasn't working due to disabilities and mental health issues (many of which I share, as I'm also a veteran). Despite many conversations about the new allocation of household responsibilities, she decided to just... fucking not. And my dumb ass (used to dealing with all the home and kid stuff solo for years) just dealt with it and drowned until I completely burnt out.
At this point I straight up told her I was not living with someone who thought so little of me that she refused to partner with me to run our lives, share the burden of the mental load, and care for the home we both live in. I was very careful to tell her clearly that if she didn't stop this bullshit immediately and get her crap together that we were getting divorced and that I'd never been more serious about anything in my entire life. Initially, she had a massive tantrum- because of course, who would want to take on their fair share of the domestic labor after well over a decade of being babied, catered to, and pampered? I stood my ground, because this was an ultimatum I was entirely comfortable following through on. I made it a point to mention that she could either take on half the household responsibilities now, or all her household responsibilities when I filed for divorce and asked her to move out. Her choice.
She magically got her shit together. It's still a process sometimes where she forgets and says she's "helping me" with a household task, or she'll stop and ask me for directions. She's met with a blank stare from me, and it shakes her back on track. She's a capable, intelligent, highly educated adult. She has a smartphone, she can Google how to do chores or just try different approaches and figure it the fuck out as she goes. We were cleaning up all the crap on the dining room table tonight and she's like "Where does this stuff go?" My response was that I had no idea where anything went, I was making decisions on where to put random crap away (or throw it away) as I went along, and that was her job as well.
I don't do her laundry, I don't pick up after her, and I only cook for myself and my kid (she's a picky eater and my dumb ass was making two meals). I insisted on us getting separate bank accounts in addition to the joint account and allocated out our money by our income percentage- and we contribute to the joint bills by our income percentages. Her bills are her responsibility, not mine. I stopped managing her medication and she miraculously figured it out on her own. I work a 9-5 corporate job from home and she's home all day as well (she freelances). I stopped doing all of the chores I was doing during the day since I was home. I don't feed the dog in the morning or let her outside. I don't pick the kid up when she stays late for clubs after school. I'll order the groceries but I won't pick them up (and if it's not on the grocery list, it's not getting purchased). My wife caught on pretty quickly and picked up the slack. It's a huge improvement and she's not quite there yet, but she's close. And I no longer fantasize about smothering her in her sleep with her own pillow.
I will say that even though going through these changes was a giant pain in the ass, it was really great for our marriage and even better for our friendship. My wife's mental health has improved because she has pretty frequent opportunities to act like a capable adult human. She's been a more involved parent, and she's become a more caring spouse. We've been spending a significant amount of quality time together because all my spare time is no longer being sucked into a black hole of household drudgery. And I have the energy to not only take good care of myself, but to care for my wife in the ways that make her feel loved without feeling any residual resentment over the unbalanced domestic load. I've had the time and energy to focus on my own health and caring for myself- I've been addressing my longstanding chronic health issues, working out regularly, and I've lost 80 lbs this year. Standing up for myself, learning how to set boundaries, and quitting being a fucking people pleaser has paid off in dividends.
My wife is transgender (male to female) and transitioned when she left the military. So we had this entire journey where she had to learn that her former veneer of male privilege didn't carry the fuck over to her brand new life. I was raised very traditionally and religiously (think TradCath) and I never talked back to my husband. Not the case with my wife. She probably thought I lost a few screws, but what really happened was that I started treating her like a peer and equal- not the Head of the Household.
After my wife got out of the military I went back to school, and I became the breadwinner. She wasn't working due to disabilities and mental health issues (many of which I share, as I'm also a veteran). Despite many conversations about the new allocation of household responsibilities, she decided to just... fucking not. And my dumb ass (used to dealing with all the home and kid stuff solo for years) just dealt with it and drowned until I completely burnt out.
At this point I straight up told her I was not living with someone who thought so little of me that she refused to partner with me to run our lives, share the burden of the mental load, and care for the home we both live in. I was very careful to tell her clearly that if she didn't stop this bullshit immediately and get her crap together that we were getting divorced and that I'd never been more serious about anything in my entire life. Initially, she had a massive tantrum- because of course, who would want to take on their fair share of the domestic labor after well over a decade of being babied, catered to, and pampered? I stood my ground, because this was an ultimatum I was entirely comfortable following through on. I made it a point to mention that she could either take on half the household responsibilities now, or all her household responsibilities when I filed for divorce and asked her to move out. Her choice.
She magically got her shit together. It's still a process sometimes where she forgets and says she's "helping me" with a household task, or she'll stop and ask me for directions. She's met with a blank stare from me, and it shakes her back on track. She's a capable, intelligent, highly educated adult. She has a smartphone, she can Google how to do chores or just try different approaches and figure it the fuck out as she goes. We were cleaning up all the crap on the dining room table tonight and she's like "Where does this stuff go?" My response was that I had no idea where anything went, I was making decisions on where to put random crap away (or throw it away) as I went along, and that was her job as well.
I don't do her laundry, I don't pick up after her, and I only cook for myself and my kid (she's a picky eater and my dumb ass was making two meals). I insisted on us getting separate bank accounts in addition to the joint account and allocated out our money by our income percentage- and we contribute to the joint bills by our income percentages. Her bills are her responsibility, not mine. I stopped managing her medication and she miraculously figured it out on her own. I work a 9-5 corporate job from home and she's home all day as well (she freelances). I stopped doing all of the chores I was doing during the day since I was home. I don't feed the dog in the morning or let her outside. I don't pick the kid up when she stays late for clubs after school. I'll order the groceries but I won't pick them up (and if it's not on the grocery list, it's not getting purchased). My wife caught on pretty quickly and picked up the slack. It's a huge improvement and she's not quite there yet, but she's close. And I no longer fantasize about smothering her in her sleep with her own pillow.
I will say that even though going through these changes was a giant pain in the ass, it was really great for our marriage and even better for our friendship. My wife's mental health has improved because she has pretty frequent opportunities to act like a capable adult human. She's been a more involved parent, and she's become a more caring spouse. We've been spending a significant amount of quality time together because all my spare time is no longer being sucked into a black hole of household drudgery. And I have the energy to not only take good care of myself, but to care for my wife in the ways that make her feel loved without feeling any residual resentment over the unbalanced domestic load. I've had the time and energy to focus on my own health and caring for myself- I've been addressing my longstanding chronic health issues, working out regularly, and I've lost 80 lbs this year. Standing up for myself, learning how to set boundaries, and quitting being a fucking people pleaser has paid off in dividends.
sourapplecider
New member
@emilyd Thanks for sharing your experiences here. It is really interesting to see the dynamics between genders, and then being changed and how you two have made the adjustments. As we see more and more of similar marriages I think we will (hopefully) see more changes in our attitudes and perspectives across genders and how we negotiate these intimate relationships with all kinds of couples. Very cool -
