Unhelpful husband

[nikkolas]

@messkat So I struggle at offloading stuff at work and have an executive coach. From what you’re describing - it sounds like you might be doing what I do at work - hand off small tasks but never really offload the true ownership of something. So I’ll give you advice that my coach gave me.

You need to tell him what you want him to “own” and describe what “owning” something entails. Example: I need you to own the baby formula. That means you know the brand we use, monitor if baby is tolerating it, stock up when you see sales, and monitor the supply/replenish it when necessary. Or I need you to own all doctors appointments - you need to schedule all the doctors runs with our kid, make sure they fit in your schedule or you coordinate a time that works for me when you’re setting the well child visit. Also, keep me informed if anything comes up during the visits.

Shift ownership - if you only delegate takes you’ll be delegating tasks for the rest of your life lol. Also understand that there will be a learning curve and that he won’t do things “your way” or perfect - but don’t criticize or take it back over

 

[jamesmason10]

@nikkolas The problem is he has to be willing and able, especially stuff like formula or doctor's appointments. Those aren't things where it doesn't matter if it's not done perfectly.

 

[matamare]

@jamesmason10 Odds are he'd weaponize incompetence it so she takes it back on her plate

 

[jamesmason10]

@matamare Maybe, but you can't just let your kid go hungry or miss important medical things to prove a point. Or at least I wouldn't.

 

[matamare]

@jamesmason10 I'm sure some men would. She probably wouldn't and then does it herself and you're right back when you started.

 

[jamesmason10]

@matamare Yes, I mean her, but what's the alternative? Starve her child? Skip vaccines? Mismatching clothes is one thing, but not everything can just be handed over if he's not on board with it.

 

[matamare]

@jamesmason10 Yeah that's basically what I said. It's nice to suggest handing over stuff to him but 1) if you still have to supervise it's still a strain and 2) depending how lazy he is (weaponized incompetence) you just can't give him some tasks

 

[nikkolas]

@matamare LADIES WTF?!?! why would you have a child with someone that either a) was too incompetent to feed a child or b) not want to help raise their child so much so that they’d neglect feeding them to prove a point.

Why the hell would you procreate with someone like that and then expect a different outcome and come to the internet to vent????? You made a horrible partner choice to have children with.

 

[junobet]

@messkat When we were little girls we were told we could do it all, so we have ended up doing just that-- literally doing it all.

Also, I think a lot of men in Gen X/baby boomer generation did the bare minimum of the child rearing/housekeeping, and these are our husbands' dads. So that's what was modeled for them growing up. Women in our generation caught up and surpassed men in the workforce, yet these men still don't do shit.

My HOPE is that it starts to change big time with the way our generation parents. I am the breadwinner and I am determined that my son will be an equal partner in his household one day.

 

[verdia6470]

@junobet 100% spot on. We’re doing the HARD emotional labor to break a generational curse where men got a free pass to do nothing.

 

[sultannns]

@messkat My opinion is that while the culture has shifted to be more equal there are still a huge amount of men who subconscious still expect the patriarchal roles. They may not even realize it, but with their actions you can see they expect it.

 

[oswald3%C3%A1]

@sultannns My mom and I were just speaking to this the other night. She and my dad were married for 54 years (until he passed away). He was unique, given that he was a product of the 50’s and 60’s. Plus, his own mother was very traditional (did all the childcare, household chores, etc). I remember my dad once telling me my grandfather never changed a single diaper (my grandparents had 7 kids in total, too). My dad did not have a good relationship with my grandfather, so I’m guessing that’s why he was the polar opposite. He was supportive of my mom’s career and education (she went back to graduate school when I was 7). He also did any/all chores around the house, and took care of me without being asked. He was a military veteran, and I think that self discipline was drilled into him. But, I also think he despised the way his own mother was treated, and vowed to be different -

I do agree that culture has shifted, but we still have this weird, dark shadow of patriarchy. The only way we change it is to put some boundaries in place that command respect. These men may not like it, but, they’re going to struggle with being single dads a whole lot more. And, that’s the line in the sand. If they can’t get on board, we don’t need adult children to take care of. We all know we can handle work, kids, laundry, etc. Can they - not really. It’s not necessarily about making an ultimatum. It’s about pointing out the obvious direction that things are moving towards. You’d be surprised how many will step up if they realize you’re serious, or if they understand the fate that awaits them.

As my divorced bestie likes to say: I know that I can handle anything, because I have dealt with everything. Divorcing a man child was the easiest thing for me to do. For him, it was the worst possible outcome, because he had taken everything for granted. He knew it. I had warned him. Now he knows how much work I actually did, and that no amount of apologizing will change this situation in his favor.

Boundaries.

 

[juliuscaesar]

@messkat The hardest time in a marriage is with young kids. Some men step up, but just as many fail utterly in being solid partners. It doesn't even seem predictable, you will see guys that were perfectly capable of maintaining their own apartments just completely revert to man children when a baby is born. It's insane, it's like their minds default to "she's a mom now and moms do everything." Once they fail it's very hard to ever look at them the same.

 

[verdia6470]

@messkat Right?? All that we do is taken for granted.

 

[katrina2017]

@rubbles I think men who "don't wake up" for baby cries are fucking liars. Just stick the monitor on high and right at his side of the bed, or on his stupid ear. He's using it as a cop out and men like this suck. It's so selfish.
Pit your foot down. Don't hold onto resentment, he either steps it up or he gets divorce papers. You don't need him if he can even manage simple tasks.

 

[kumaladewi]

@rubbles Why is this so common? There are echoes of this in my marriage. And the more I ask or organize the more he pushes back.

 

[pheadablessed]

@kumaladewi Because women put up with it.

 

[misti4u]

@rubbles Girl, it’s not that he can’t do these things-

he.
does.
not.
care. About your feelings, or the well being of the children. I think it’s time for a more serious talk.

 

[mcasabona]

@rubbles We struggled with this early on. What worked was me creating an Excel document of everything he and I did in the home and then having a long and challenging conversation I framed as "you and I both work full time. Here's my sense of the household responsibilities, including what you currently do. What additional will you take on from this list to make it even?"

First conversation was three hours of me holding boundaries and him trying to negotiate. But we made huge progress. Then the next couple of months were me not intervening when his things weren't done the way I liked them to be done particularly, holding boundaries, and being clear if something wasn't working as a last resort.

Whenever he showed resistance I leaned on his own words that he saw us as equals and didn't want me to feel unhappy because I had to do and manage everything.

Things aren't perfect but it's much closer to even and he has a much better appreciation for the mental load, and some weeks takes on more than I do. I will say if he hadn't reacted in this way divorce would have been on the table.