Trying for a baby as a young couple?

[mightynameofjesus]

Hello everyone,
I am looking forward for some opinions of you.

I am 21 years old and married to my husband (24) since july this year. We are together since October 2019 (4 years now) and have known each other since February 2019.
We moved in our own apartment in april 2021 and moved to a bigger apartment april this year.
We are living in a big apartment with 2 floors and 4 rooms now, so we have definitely enough space for a kids room.
We both got a drivers license and we own one car together. And we both got an A-Level.

But we both are still „learning“ our job. I am in my second year to become a kindergarden teacher, so I have one and a half years left until I work fulltime for the full amount of money. Currently I am earning around 1300 euro a month.
My husband is in his first year of learning his job, but he has also just one and a half years left, bc his training course is not as long as mine. He earns around 1000 euro a month.

I want to add the main reason I am looking forward for a child younger than some people would consider as normal: back last year I got an endometriosis and adenomyosis diagnosis. This really worries me until now because my gyno said that she would look into pregnancy and fertility rather sooner than later. Especially the adenomyosis can not be operated or effectively treated in any kind (other than endo could possibly be). She said that she would guess that I am not able to have any children later than 30.

I know that this is only a guess based on my current medical situation and that nobody can predict how this disease is effecting my fertility now and long term.

But I am really concerned that I could wait for too long and that I am never be able to get children. Or that I maybe have to pay thousands of euros for fertility treatments. We couldn’t effort this now and I guess we can not effort this in the next three years.

But I am not sure if it’s rational to try for a baby if we both are not earning full money. I mean we both could „pause“ our training courses for parental leave and this would be no problem. But the amount of money we are earning is not huge.

Edit: I am from germany so please keep in mind that I am not a native english speaker. I am sorry for mistakes in my language.

Thanks in advance.

 

[katrina2017]

@mightynameofjesus If it were me in your situation I would wait until I'd finished or almost finished my studies before trying to get pregnant, simply because if you get pregnant right now then you'll give birth before you finish learning, which may disrupt things. It wouldn't be impossible to get pregnant nearing the end of your 'learning' period, but you'll need to factor in the realities of morning sickness and the fatigue that pregnancy brings and decide whether or not you'll be able to cope with it at the same time. You'll need to look at what kind of maternity pay you're entitled to also. I have endometriosis too and I really understand the fear and the urgency. If you're in a good position to have kids then age doesn't matter!

 

[mightynameofjesus]

@katrina2017 Yes I also thought about that! That’s why I thought it would not be a good option to get pregnant around or before my final exams. I am too worried I might feel horrible and can’t take part of it. So I thought this time now would be better. If I would get pregnant now I would finish my second year and then go in maternity leave.
Right now morning sickness and fatigue would be no problem because the school where I learn doesn’t give a shit about sick days, it’s only important to get good grades and manage the practical part.

 

[caringsoul]

@mightynameofjesus Personally, I would wait until you are done with school.

In the meantime, I would try to get a second opinion. Both of your diagnoses definitely impact fertility but I’m not loving the way your doctor is talking to you about this. You deserve to be given real, science backed information and not just “there’s never a right time.” There’s also a lot of fear mongering in medical science about women over 30 trying to have a baby even though the decline (in healthy women) isn’t all that steep until we’ll after 30 and I suspect that this impacts how some doctors talk to women regardless of their specific situation. Find how likely you are to need fertility treatments now versus in five years, how effective those treatments are likely to be at different points, and any other questions you have. While your timeline is condensed, this isn’t a decision you want to jump into without having as much information as possible.

 

[eastsideeric]

@caringsoul I agree. I don't like the way the doctor discussed OP's fertility with her. OP, please consider a second or third opinion. Some doctors also have the attitude that if you have a condition like endo or PCOS it means pregnancy is near impossible, but that's not true.

 

[indicators]

@mightynameofjesus I would finish up training first. Establish yourself within the career, so that when youre done with parental leave you can go back at it. Or if you move locations, you wont have to restart training. You really want to be as stable as possible before having children. So no plans on changing career, locations, schooling, etc, for a while.

You’re gonna want to have some sort of financial plan in place, as it looks like you’ve explained that your doctor isn’t certain about your fertility. So you may end up needing fertility treatments as it stands. Fertility is tough, as some conditions make it harder, but female human anatomy is largely under studied, and conditions like that can’t determine whether you’re totally infertile or not.

 

[mightynameofjesus]

@indicators And what I wanted to add: thats the thing, I want to avoid paying fertility treatments so it made sense to me to try sooner so that my chances are higher to fell pregnant without any help. Also I got more time then.

The opportunity to pay fertility treatments will not be there for the next 3 or 4 years because it’s extremely expensive.

 

[indicators]

@mightynameofjesus But why not then take those three to four years to finish up your studies? It’s so much harder to have children while doing school. And it’s a baby baby, they’ll need all of your attention for a couple years.

My mom had me when she was 20. She had to wait till she was in her 30s to go back to school because my siblings and I. My dad had to work several hours a week to compensate while she was at school. I didn’t see either of them for most of my tween/teen years because they were so busy playing catch up all the time. And they had to pay a lot in child care services for us. It’s only now in their late 40s that they have enough time for us, but we have all left the nest .

I wont be able to understand your exact position due to your health problems, and I’m so sorry you’re going through that because I can’t imagine the fear it brings. I wonder too if you could cross post the question in an endo subreddit and see if they have any better advice?

 

[kca741979]

@indicators But is juggling children and a job really easier than children and studying?

 

[light3]

@kca741979 Germany has very good parental support including childcare and parental leave. One of my colleagues was studying, doing an internship while raising two young toddlers as a single dad. I’m not saying he has it easy, but in Germany it’s easier than the vast majority of places.

 

[indicators]

@kca741979 Depends, honestly! I don’t think it’s a decision between kids and a job versus kids and studying. It’s more kids and studying versus no kids and studying. I’d just get the studying done first so I can focus on getting in my career and focusing on whatever my kid needs, haha.

 

[kca741979]

@indicators Yeah I'm mostly asking because I've heard from many people that the first years of a child's life are the most difficult and time consuming for the parents. And I'd imagine that depending on the future job and the uni, it might be easier to have those first few years while studying. I for example am currently studying, and could theoretically spend almost all of my time at home, only going to university for the exams. I'd imagine it's not so easy in most jobs

 

[eastsideeric]

@kca741979 I came here to say this too. My husband is a Ph.D. student, and we're planning to try next year while he's still in school. He'll be done with his classes and working on his dissertation. He will have a ton of flexibility with his schedule since he won't have classes. A lot of people have babies in uni or grad school for that reason: jobs will never give you as much flexibility with your time like you have as a student.

 

[indicators]

@kca741979 Oh yeah, that’s why I said it totally depends. Some folks have situations where they only need to study and go in for exams. Others need to be in a classroom at least part time. And some need to travel for school.

I just think it’d be a lot easier for OP if they waited till they were done, that way they can focus on just their studies. Not that it’s impossible to do both, my mom totally did and I give her props! But from watching her, it did not look easy at all.

 

[freddybomb]

@indicators Check dm

 

[mightynameofjesus]

@indicators I dont know. I am just scared. I know a few people with the same two conditions as me and they all started trying early. And with that I mean around my age. They all ended up needing fertility treatments.

I don’t know how it is handled where you live, but in germany every child has a right to get a child care place in kindergarten. It is also adjusted to your income, so families with more income pay more.
So to stay home for a long time is not the plan. And it also wouldn’t be a plan if I‘d work „normal“ because maternity pay ends after one year.

I have an income even though I am in school and I would get around 500 euro more when I have a kid. So my husband doesn’t need to compensate this.

Yeah! I totally understand that. I know that this is a different sub here. Thank you.

I already tried that but there are not that many people active and the answers were rare.

But thank you very much for your answer. I appreciate every kind of information and input.

 

[mightynameofjesus]

@indicators We just moved our location and we have enough space, so moving again is not in the plan for the next years. But if I would move I wouldn’t have to restart training because it’s a little like school. I also get a certificate for each successful year so I could just start after the year I finished.

If I want to wait until I am finished with schooling and career I have to wait a few more years with kids, because after my finished training I want to study social pedagogy for two years to be able to work in child care/ child foster care.

 

[akiba021]

@mightynameofjesus Hi! I think I might be able to give input! My fiancé and I both went to trade high school meaning we both graduated able to enter very good careers.

He moved out and got his own apartment one month into his last year of highschool. Then when we graduated high school at 18 we got a condo together, and we now live in a different apartment. I’m aware many people are against the idea of young parents and that’s fine. However, we always dreamed of being young parents, IF the circumstances were right.

He stayed in his trade and has a career in said trade. I on the other hand decided I wanted to pursue something other than my trade and enrolled in community college, and have since transferred to a university. Had I stayed in my trade the original plan was to get settled in our careers purchase a home and then try for a baby, because I decided to go back to school we decided to wait until I finish school so I can put 100% of my focus into my degree, I don’t even work, I just do school and he supports us.

I personally would say to wait until you both finish your programs. I guess I’m biased because that is what I am choosing to do, however from my perspective it is what makes the most sense. From a $$ standpoint it will be easier when you both have finished school and can earn more. From a time management standpoint, this way you could both dedicate the necessary time to your programs and try for a baby after.

 

[samiwhitie]

@mightynameofjesus My partner is from Germany so I know a bit more about the situation there and how amazing it is for parents. I believe you would be fully supported by the government for 2 years, is that right? If the amount you would get combined with your partners pay would be enough then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying now as long as you feel emotionally ready for this chapter!

I have endometriosis too and totally understand the fertility fear. Whilst there’s no way to know what will happen, statistically it could take a little longer to conceive in which case you could be finished or close to finishing your training by the time baby arrives even if you start trying soon. Another option would be to wait until you’re at a point in your studies that you know for sure you would be able to finish by the time baby is due.

I think people can tend to forget sometimes that age is not everything in terms of readiness. Some people may be 20 years older than you but be in less stable relationships or not have any government support in their country, so it’s really dependent on you and your situation. If you have done the numbers and feel comfortable, and you and your partner are both ready for this then that’s all that matters!

 

[light3]

@samiwhitie I got pregnant with my first child in Germany (but didn’t give birth there) but yeah it’s amazing. I think the state will obligate the company to hold your job for up to 3 years, with a salary that is a percentage of your usual salary. (The state compensates the company for your salary) and you have free or heavily subsidized childcare. Both parents get generous parental leave that they can distribute as they see fit and German companies are usually very generous with sick days. With both me and my husband, if we just say we’re sick we just email, and our bosses will say “ok, rest and get well!”