The 'not your birthday present' tradition my M.I.L started

[larryc]

@lulu730 “They’re not my rules!”

 

[solongdeceased]

@lulu730 Lucky’s Dad is the real MVP

 

[widow2009]

@jackiecline Buddy, this is trash. I am going to do everything in my power to avoid this in my life as I can see my wife and MIL getting on this train when my nephew gets gifts and my daughters a little older.

 

[widow2009]

My family doesn’t do gifts, we enjoy company. Christmas time normally my parents make a little donation to the local food bank, and we share maybe something small. In-laws on the other hand, go wild with gifts. I’ve never seen a Christmas tree with so many gifts under it. My nephew (11yo?) gets so many gifts he opens one and before he’s finished opening it he’s opening the next one. It hurts a little to watch cause it’s not teaching him anything good. Everyone tells him say thank you. Anyways. Venting here too about Christmas. Very fortunate though I suppose.

 

[jackiecline]

@widow2009 I am exactly the same! I grew up in Africa, where times were very hard sometimes. Christmas to me was spending time with family and having a BBQ outside. Gifts were actually not much on our agenda. We did other things instead like fmaily sports days or going to the beach. Christmas is at summer time in the southern hemisphere before you think I'm weird. Well, I am weird, but that's besides the point, haha.

In the UK now, and it's just so heartbreaking to see my kids get utterly spoiled, much to my aversion to it. M.I.L spends 100's on each kid. They actually have a 2nd and 3rd Christmases on boxing day and the 27th, respectively, because they have so much. I have tried to make my daughters humble and to an extent they still are. It's a losing battle with the M.I.L I find. Glad I'm not the only one though.

 

[roxchristian]

@jackiecline They’re definitely undervaluing your life experience and perspective on this. Maybe tell your wife that you’re disappointed that you’re not able to give your kids the memories of family togetherness during celebrations that you had growing up.

I’m sure these gift-centered events also end up with the kids spending the rest of the day with their toys and not the rest of the family. Your daughters are being deprived as much as they’re being spoiled.

 

[hldawson3]

@jackiecline Growing up we did this but the gift was a small box of malteasers which we'd normally eat when the other person was opening presents. I think the big issue doing this is with the size of the presents.

 

[derrynhman]

@hldawson3 Size and Qty.

Growing up when it was my brother's birthday I got a new book, movie, or CD. He got a new snowboard or something equivalent.

 

[msdelrio]

@jackiecline I’ve never understood doing this. It just seems like it takes away from the specialness of the birthday kids day.

 

[jackiecline]

@msdelrio Yes! This!! They don't understand that you may be making other girls feel better by making the one whose special day it is, feel worse. My mother in law spends 100's on their birthday. I don't know if it is just because I was brought up being thankful for the small things my folks could afford and see the effort that went into getting or making very personal gifts.

 

[zazzy]

@msdelrio Mum did this for my brother on my birthdays as a way of making him not upset/feel included, and I can tell you now, I’m 37 and still have a really fucked up relationship to my birthday, and receiving gifts in general.

 

[hbkfan32]

@jackiecline Absolutely, huge waste of money and teaches bad values

 

[jsanford108]

@jackiecline “My mother in law always means well” -OP

“My mother in law is quite opinionated and can usually do nothing wrong in her own eyes.” -Also OP

My mom loved me unless I disagreed with her. (i.e. no love, nor family, nor mutual respect). I’m picking up those vibes here pretty hard with your other comments and these extra gifts sound like love-bombing. If that’s the case, you’re not going to accomplish anything until your wife sees it too, and if you come out and say it you’ll likely be met with some hard denial. Maybe just ask questions and hope she starts to figure it out herself. I’d say you needed boundaries but if your wife has always lived by her mom’s rules she’ll undercut you without even knowing it because your MIL’s rules are just natural to her. GL

 

[jackiecline]

@jsanford108 This is exactly right. Sometimes it's so hard to see the wood through the trees, especially in this family dynamic I'm in. M.I.L love bombing is an understatement. She goes so far it makes me very uncomfortable. She went through a lot with my wife when my wife was a kid and I think she has tried to make up for it with her grand kids.

 

[becausegodlovesus]

@jsanford108 Yeah, that's a good idea. My wife used to have a similar thing with my MIL who has major boundary issues. I did a similar thing of just nudging her to notice it for herself and if my MIL did anything that was driving me crazy, I would wait until we had a calm talk that night and let her know how I didn't like how she did that to our daughter and it was against how we want to raise her. You can't expect your MIL to change much but hopefully you can get your wife to set better boundaries to be the one to push back to her mom.

 

[lovinggirl]

@jackiecline “When it’s not your birthday, what can you do? Get a not-your-birthday-present and freak out too!” -Fancy Nancy probably…

 

[hinniss1]

@jackiecline Stuff like that is annoying, but in this case I would ask those affected directly if they want to discontinue the tradition. Alternatively you can discuss introducing some conditions, like the budget, size, theme, type, etc.

That could make everyone happy and keep it from spiraling.



Having said that. Four girls,... impressive. All my respect to you.

 

[heyheyheynoname]

@jackiecline My MIL does the same thing and I don't like it. I think it teaches a bad lesson. When it's someone else's birthday, it's ok for the birthday kid to get presents but not you. That's life.

That said, it's minor enough that I don't find it worth fighting about. My MIL isn't perfect, but she's generally kind and good to her grandchildren. It's not a hill I'll die on. I comfort myself by saying that along with the bad lesson, maybe it teaches a good one - that even on your special day, you are not the complete center of the universe and others still matter. It's ok for something to be only 90% about you.

 

[ineedtovent24]

@jackiecline Yeah this is pretty terrible on so many levels. Maybe you can “convert” this to something less problematic? Maybe have “goodie” bags of candy. Can start out with expensive candy this year and slowly work it to something less each year.

 

[prmiami777]

@jackiecline My in-laws did that when the wife and siblings were growing up now to be fair they had 3 under 4 at the time.. they continued with my niece and nephew but when my kid was born I said no. I want mine to know birthdays are that persons day not theirs and vice-vers