The 'not your birthday present' tradition my M.I.L started

[lorrainegodslittlegirl]

@jackiecline Yeah I agree with you, imo this teaches them that they should always be the center of attention, even when it's someone else's big day.

 

[jackiecline]

@lorrainegodslittlegirl I hate it, and it makes me feel disappointed in both my mother in law and wife. They can not see what damage they are doing to their future development.

 

[stephygirl777]

@jackiecline I want to preface this with saying that I agree with you. This would bother me. However I think the lesson of humility can still be taught. Plenty of kids grow up more spoiled for gifts than your kids and don't become monsters or anything.

1. They'll go to other kid's birthday parties where they wont get gifts. Then if they ask, you can explain that its something that your family does that's just for them, not something that other families do, and that when its other kid's birthdays we should be happy for them since its for them.
   
2. Even on their birthday, as long as they open their gifts after the birthday kid has opened all of theirs, and if possible (probably not based on your story), not while everyone is looking, then it still gives the message that, on someone's birthday its for celebrating the person.

I don't see too much harm in it in general as long as you teach the accompanying lessons, which it seems like you want to so.

 

[franhardin]

@jackiecline I wouldn't get too worked up, tbh. By all means express that you want to put an end to it (I agree with you), but there are tons of things you can do to mitigate the "damage". E.g. talking to the girls to explain that the present is well-intentioned, but the person whose birthday it really is is the special person for the day. I'm sure they'll eventually figure out that it's a weird "tradition", if they haven't already.

 

[butforgrace]

@lorrainegodslittlegirl Gives big "propose or announce a baby at someone else's wedding without permission" vibes.

 

[jackiecline]

@fleshisweak This is what I have tried bringing up, but it backfires. I moved cities to be with my wife (gf at the time), so I moved into her family dynamic. I still feel like an outsider, especially with my M.I.L. She is very matriarchal. I think I need to have some conversations going forward and really stand up for it.

 

[kingdomdoors]

@jackiecline Not married or with kids yet but as someone who has a strong willed “mother in law” this is the way. I’ve had to put my foot down a few times with my boyfriend and I did so early on in our relationship. It’s really paid off and has made my relationship with her infinitely better. I don’t know if you’ll necessarily get the same results, but you should 100% talk to your wife about setting boundaries.

You guys are partners—transparency is key and remember you guys should always be on the same page (or trying to get there).

 

[prepperoni]

@fleshisweak yea i mean, birthdays are definitely one of the free 'life lesson' passes that costs almost nothing and bring big social value. then again - parents these days just arent opening presents at the party any more so maybe that is moot.

 

[sarah92ali]

@jackiecline I hate this for you, I honestly do. I’m sorry.

 

[jackiecline]

@sarah92ali I just feel like I get cut down every time I mention it. My mother in law is quite opinionated and can usually do nothing wrong in her own eyes. Pointing that out won't be a good idea for the family dynamic as much as it pains me not to.

 

[sarah92ali]

@jackiecline I know you can’t go back in time, but this is the reason why both my spouse and I had very clear communication with our own parents prior to first born arriving… Clarity that this is OUR child, we want to rise them a certain way, and we will have certain things we are doing or not doing- and that we want the grandparents in the kids lives, but not at the detriment of things we believe as parents are detrimental.

I might suggest the real problem isn’t with your MIL, but that you and your wife seem to not be on the same page about the parenting. I know that’s sticky, but if you and your wife find the middle ground to tackle (not literally… yet) your MIL, you’ll probably feel a lot less alone in this. Just my two cents. I wish you luck.

 

[jackiecline]

@sarah92ali Thanks a lot. That rings very true with what you're saying. When my eldest was born, we didn't lay down ground rules. I had just moved in with my wife and her mum after moving cities to be with her. We were in a LDR beforehand. It was hard to come into that dynamic and enforce my own rules if that makes sense? I can see where I went wrong, and I think the wife and I need to have a few sensitive conversations going forward or it could become a much larger issue.

 

[sarah92ali]

@jackiecline I really hope she takes you seriously. Stay strong, Fellow Dad.

 

[zhaud]

@jackiecline /r/justnomil
/r/raisedbynarcissists
Also you need to get your wife into a couples therapy so she can see from an outside professional how bad her enabling is and will be for your kids and your relationship. This kind of lack of spousal backup (usually against their own parents) can lead to divorce.

 

[rodsorp]

@jackiecline I’d focus more on getting your wife on your side, so you can provide a unified parenting front. It’ll be way easier to address the MIL with her daughter’s life of experience interacting with her.

 

[3boysmomma]

@jackiecline Reminds me of Pass the Parcel in that one episode of Bluey. Lucky's dad was right.

 

[r3b3cca834]

@3boysmomma I was looking for this response lol. It always comes back to Bluey

Edit: I WANNA PLAY LUCKYS DADS RULES

 

[inderword]

@3boysmomma Excitedly came here to suggest this as a family watching exercise. But of course someone already mentioned it! This sub knows

 

[lulu730]

@jackiecline We're raising a nation of squibs! Just one big present, that's how it's done!

 

[jackiecline]

@lulu730 Luckys dad!! Couldn't agree more.