anita2bennetts
New member
A bit of context before I start, I’m American and living in NZ with my partner (we are both in our early 20’s) and their mom(55),sister(35) and sisters 2 kids (11 and 4).
I’ve been living with them for over a year now and it’s pretty clear MiL is a narcissist and she’s very much into the new age spirituality cults. She often claims to be a great nana and brags about how much she’s helping SiL, but she’s not good with children, lacks patience and is obsessed with seeming like a saint.
SiL has been taking care of the kids on her own for about a year at this point as well (their dad moved away for SiL not wanting him around but they stay with him on some weekends). They suspect the 4 y/o kid has ADHD but can’t get any help for it till she’s older. Everyday if not multiple times a day that poor child has a meltdown and not just normal tantrums and little moments of being upset; she screams, cries, hits herself, throws herself around and is completely emotionally disregulated. More recently she has started saying “ow” or “owie” after they “intervene”. I want to note that she doesn’t say those when she’s hitting herself, only when she falls on accident or gets hit by someone else. That type of behavior went from her saying “ow” maybe once a month to multiple days a week and sometimes multiple times a day. In response MiL and SiL belittle and mock her, ignore her, yell at her to shut up, leave her on the other side of the house and pretend she isn’t there. MiL has repeatedly bragged to us about how the kid doesn’t listen to her mom and only respects MiL because she “gives her a growling that scares her” (this still doesn’t actually calm the kid down whatsoever). MiL shit talks SiL to us constantly (we do not feed into it). Often they just ignore the child until she’s coughing so much she can’t cry anymore. We try to stay as separate as possible from everyone in the house because my partner has trauma that gets triggered by most crying noises and I have CPTSD from my abusive parents. It’s only gotten worse in the past few months… when we ask if they can do anything to help the kids needs be met we are brushed off and they blame the kids ADHD then say they can’t do anything till she’s older for a diagnosis. I was parentified growing up so I have not stepped in for fear of them pawning the kid off on me and taking no responsibility for their part in this. I’m genuinely surprised no one has reported them yet as my own family got reported quite frequently just based on children crying so loud and so often neighbors could hear. Me and my partner are at a loss, we already plan to leave this situation asap but it will still take time. And though they don’t hit her frequently it’s just a matter of how pissed they get, which is sickening (hitting in any amount is not okay let alone for reason of losing your temper). Should we report them? Is there something else we can do? We are child free by choice and younger than them by a mile so they don’t respect what we think about raising kids and what is and isn’t ok. Any support would be great, open to answering questions or any ideas for other places I should post this.
I’ve been living with them for over a year now and it’s pretty clear MiL is a narcissist and she’s very much into the new age spirituality cults. She often claims to be a great nana and brags about how much she’s helping SiL, but she’s not good with children, lacks patience and is obsessed with seeming like a saint.
SiL has been taking care of the kids on her own for about a year at this point as well (their dad moved away for SiL not wanting him around but they stay with him on some weekends). They suspect the 4 y/o kid has ADHD but can’t get any help for it till she’s older. Everyday if not multiple times a day that poor child has a meltdown and not just normal tantrums and little moments of being upset; she screams, cries, hits herself, throws herself around and is completely emotionally disregulated. More recently she has started saying “ow” or “owie” after they “intervene”. I want to note that she doesn’t say those when she’s hitting herself, only when she falls on accident or gets hit by someone else. That type of behavior went from her saying “ow” maybe once a month to multiple days a week and sometimes multiple times a day. In response MiL and SiL belittle and mock her, ignore her, yell at her to shut up, leave her on the other side of the house and pretend she isn’t there. MiL has repeatedly bragged to us about how the kid doesn’t listen to her mom and only respects MiL because she “gives her a growling that scares her” (this still doesn’t actually calm the kid down whatsoever). MiL shit talks SiL to us constantly (we do not feed into it). Often they just ignore the child until she’s coughing so much she can’t cry anymore. We try to stay as separate as possible from everyone in the house because my partner has trauma that gets triggered by most crying noises and I have CPTSD from my abusive parents. It’s only gotten worse in the past few months… when we ask if they can do anything to help the kids needs be met we are brushed off and they blame the kids ADHD then say they can’t do anything till she’s older for a diagnosis. I was parentified growing up so I have not stepped in for fear of them pawning the kid off on me and taking no responsibility for their part in this. I’m genuinely surprised no one has reported them yet as my own family got reported quite frequently just based on children crying so loud and so often neighbors could hear. Me and my partner are at a loss, we already plan to leave this situation asap but it will still take time. And though they don’t hit her frequently it’s just a matter of how pissed they get, which is sickening (hitting in any amount is not okay let alone for reason of losing your temper). Should we report them? Is there something else we can do? We are child free by choice and younger than them by a mile so they don’t respect what we think about raising kids and what is and isn’t ok. Any support would be great, open to answering questions or any ideas for other places I should post this.