Sometimes I get sad

arbin

New member
My husband and I had never wanted kids. It was a big part of our relationship. 3 years of friendship where we piggy backed off each other on why we don't want kids. 3 years in our relationship telling people we won't be having any. Then 8 months before our wedding I was late.

It was January of 2020 and there was a lot of uncertainty in our lives. But what I was certain of is there were 2 lines. He knew exactly what to do but I wasn't so sure anymore. I spent 28 years protesting pregnancy and had even executed my right to choose twice before this. But something was different this time and the decision wasn't so black and white for me anymore, but we weren't finacially stable, he was between jobs, there was a sickness we knew was getting scary, so dispite my reservations we made the right choice for our lives. Then we got a puppy.

After that lockdowns happened. During that time we spent alot of time together just him and I. We talked everyday about how hard that choice was but it was the right choice. My husband and I for so long never wanted kids but now we were both sad about what could have been. We agreed that if we were ever going to have a child it would only be 1 and only if
  1. We both had good jobs that provided maternity leave for us both
  2. Those jobs offeres us a schedule to take care of our child to eliminate childcare as much as possible
  3. We owned our own home
  4. We were married
  5. I was cigarette free of at least 6 months
We were already getting married that August so that was set. So during lockdowns we searched for jobs that could provide us the things we needed. I quit smoking immediately with chantix. I got a morning bank job and he got an evenings home respite job. We saved and saved and bought a house the following June and by August with all our goals met we started trying and by September 3rd I was 3 weeks pregnant.

He was terrified when he found out. Even thought this was planned I dont think either of us expected to get pregnant first try. Through my whole pregnancy we were dead set on 1 and done. He was going to get a vasectomy after our child was born. With every question of how many do you think you'll have 1 was our unanimous answer. Loud and clear. I had a beautiful flawless pregnancy. No complications, no scares, not even a single braxton hick. I even told my roommate I would surrogate for her if delivery went well because I enjoyed pregnancy so much. I went in to labor the night before my due date and through my entire labor I was told it was text book. Flawless 0 complications. I walked and joked through contractions completely unassisted. Then it all fell apart.

At 9.5 cm I stalled, got a epidural that failed and at 10 cm they broke my water but she wasn't moving. She was stuck and my body was crushing her. After 36 hours, a failed epidural and 12 failed spinal block attempts I had to be completely anesthetized for an emergency C section. I hemorrhaged, and her skull was dented due to my spine digging in to it which was why she got stuck. We were both lucky to have survived.

After it all. My milk came early and breastfeeding came so easily to us. But my doctor came in with 3 other doctors and told me that after everything and the hemorrhaging she believed after consulting multiple other colleagues I would not survive another delivery. She recommended an immediate tubal ligation. So a few days later we went through with it. It was completely free due to medical necessity and there was no disscussion. It wasn't that big of a deal for us because for so long we agreed one and done.

But now here I sit. 3 months later with my 4 month old scared of missing any moment with my daughter because it's the only moment that I'm gonna have. My husband doesnt understand. He says we were always OAD, it was never negotiable for us. But its the fact I don't have a choice anymore. I never wanted more but knowing the choice is gone breaks me. I'm so scared something will happen to my daughter, I worry she will be sad she won't ever have a brother or sister. My husband is so supportive but he doesnt understand. I feel broken and defeated over something I never wanted anyway. I guess I'm just asking does it ever go away. I love my daughter and I can list 100 reasons why OAD was the right choice for us. But that feeling in the back of my head of the fact I'll never be able to have another just won't go away. It hurts.

Tldr; My husband and I only wanted 1 child after not wanting any for years. After a traumatic birth I got my tubes tied due to medical necessity and am dealing with the guilt of OAD. Does this get better?
 
@arbin Even the right decision can be a difficult one. The reality of having a baby is often very different from what parents think it will be, too. For me it was like "I love this so much why would I not want to do this again?" But we also knew that realistically it wasn't in the cards for us.

It's ok to feel sadness and grief even though you are certain of your choice. It doesn't take away from the love you feel for the child you do have. Have you considered counseling to help you process your traumatic birth?
 
@arbin This is all so fresh and sudden, and even though parts of it were planned, you certainly did not plan for intense medical trauma. I think all your feelings make complete sense and it's ok to mourn having a choice like that taken from you. I do also think it will get better, but don't be afraid to feel your feelings!
 
@arbin I feel a part of what you feel. Me and my husband said either 0 or 1 kid. I now have a 4 month old after a very traumatic last month of pregnancy and birth. I loved being pregnant and I love the baby days. I think I still want to be one and done. But I’m angry that the decision isn’t no longer mine, it’s been made for me. Getting pregnant again would mean I’d risk my health or in worst case , my life. Thinking of being one and done sometimes hurts for me too. I’m sorry I don’t have anything else to say or if it’s going to get better.
 
@arbin Yes. It gets better. Your hormones are fresh and motherhood is sucking you dry right now. As your LO gets older and more of a person, motherhood gets more enjoyable and things will level out. 9 months and 18 months were big leaps for me.
 
@good2bbrad This. I had a change around 6 months, a bigger one around 9 months.

OP, I feel so deeply for you reading this. Also out of therapy right now out of necessity, but it will help. Pm if needed.
 
@arbin Oh OP. My heart hurts for you. Please access some therapy to process this. It sounds so frightening. You may be touching on post partum anxiety. Although the feelings of not wanting to miss and second but being insanely fatigued are super common too. I hope you’re ok:
 
@arbin Ohhh this is me. I’m 38 years old, and I’ve been with my husband for 17 years. He has a daughter from a previous marriage, and those years were a wild ride. I had a 2lb uterine fibroid that caused my life hell for almost two years, but I got it out via myomectomy. Because of that, they told me if I got pregnant, I would need a c-section at 37 weeks. I was agreeable to it, and I tried for a year to get pregnant. I finally did. My pregnancy was hard. I said over and over this is ONE And DONE. I didn’t enjoy it. But I didn’t know that I did. I didn’t know I would miss his kicks.
At 36 weeks, I had an emergency c-section due to a placental abruption. It had been happening for days, but no one caught it because it was pooling blood on the inside. I had seen the OB the day before and even with all my complaints, they sent me home. I went back because I couldn’t feel my baby move. He was born, spent 24 hrs in the NICU, and I was told I’d probably have another placental abruption if I had another pregnancy.
My postpartum has been hell, because of traumatic birth, and now I miss and mourn the pregnancy I don’t and can’t have. Even though at my age, I was lucky to even birth a child. I know he is my one and only, but I miss him in my belly, and I’m weirdly sad and angry that the door has closed for me. But I’m grateful for my boy
 
@followerb I relate to that in a way. I adored being pregnant and through the whole thing said I wanted to surrogate just to experience it again. Knowing i will never experience it again breaks my heart. But i am so greatful for my daughter. She is my light man.
 
@arbin Yes it does get better. I had a similar thing happen but mine was placenta accreta found during c-section. They were close to full hysterectomy once baby was out. I was told in recovery what’s gone on, recommend to not go on to have any further pregnancy. It was a shock. I was more scared about my health than having another child. Now little one is 3.5, I definitely don’t want another and I see others forcing themselves to go on to have another for a sibling sake and it’s so miserable (people often say no one cares about second pregnancies… but if the sample of mothers they are talking about is the same type of mums I know, their reluctant depressed demeanors is why!!).

It’s been a blessing in disguise. In a weak moment, pressure of friends/family if I am giving son a sibling, I might have caved and reluctantly gone okay. But I can’t, and life is a joy! Life works in mysterious ways. I’m one of seven, everyone is estranged and hates each other. I talk to my twin sister (carbon copy of myself) only. So it really makes no difference. I hated a big family growing up, I wished I was an only child. No one to compete with for love and attention.
 
@skittblue I truely hope she appreciates being an only child. I was not close with my siblings and wished to be an only child. I just worry she will feel different.
 
@arbin I truly think there’s something about the option being taken off the table that can cause so much hurt, even if they’d never take the option normally.

We’re OAD by choice but whenever I think “I should just get a tubal now and be done with it” something stops me. Even though I have PTSD from the birth, and PPD from her newborn phase. It’s the choice, the option going away, that stops me. Even though I do not want another, I never want to go through birth and labor again, none of that.
 
@arbin Wow I didn’t see this story taking that turn. What a traumatic birth experience, I am so sorry, and to have a choice taken away afterwards is so tough on top of that. You did what you knew was right but it doesn’t mean it was a real choice given potentially dying was the alternative. I think that in of itself can make it more difficult for some, feeling less in control of the decision than your prior decisions made.

I think any major decision that has to be made in an emergency short time frame can also be much more difficult even when you have options, especially with how methodical you were in deciding to have a baby and presumably when you made the choice not to continue pregnancy. So it makes sense that even just having to suddenly make a literal life or death decision and then having lots to time afterwards to mull it over can be a process.

It’s obviously with a lot less emotion but consider if you had to basically buy a car tomorrow because your car was wrecked and you needed to get a new car immediately to ensure you could keep your job versus spending a few months or even weeks car shopping and then trading your car in. Its a lot harder to go through the former where you just survived something traumatic on of itself (like a car wreck or traumatic birth) and then having to make a quick decision without getting to truly browse. It’s a lot. At the end of the day you’re still going to be ok and still going to have a car, but it’s hard when it’s maybe not one you had time to envision envision and fall in love with. Your new future as a power momma to a special little one is something you didn’t necessarily have time to envision and rationalize.

Be gentle with yourself, grieve the traumatic birth, grieve the choice, grieve the different futures you may have envisioned, that doesn’t mean you won’t love and embrace and enjoy this reality either. You just need some time to cry and let go of some of the other paths you didn’t get a chance to daydream about.
 
@katrina2017 Wow. This really helped. Thank you. I'm just being gentle with myself. I love my life. Its just those times when I'm the last one awake stuck in my thoughts. I just feel like i cry alot lately.
 
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