My husband and I had never wanted kids. It was a big part of our relationship. 3 years of friendship where we piggy backed off each other on why we don't want kids. 3 years in our relationship telling people we won't be having any. Then 8 months before our wedding I was late.
It was January of 2020 and there was a lot of uncertainty in our lives. But what I was certain of is there were 2 lines. He knew exactly what to do but I wasn't so sure anymore. I spent 28 years protesting pregnancy and had even executed my right to choose twice before this. But something was different this time and the decision wasn't so black and white for me anymore, but we weren't finacially stable, he was between jobs, there was a sickness we knew was getting scary, so dispite my reservations we made the right choice for our lives. Then we got a puppy.
After that lockdowns happened. During that time we spent alot of time together just him and I. We talked everyday about how hard that choice was but it was the right choice. My husband and I for so long never wanted kids but now we were both sad about what could have been. We agreed that if we were ever going to have a child it would only be 1 and only if
He was terrified when he found out. Even thought this was planned I dont think either of us expected to get pregnant first try. Through my whole pregnancy we were dead set on 1 and done. He was going to get a vasectomy after our child was born. With every question of how many do you think you'll have 1 was our unanimous answer. Loud and clear. I had a beautiful flawless pregnancy. No complications, no scares, not even a single braxton hick. I even told my roommate I would surrogate for her if delivery went well because I enjoyed pregnancy so much. I went in to labor the night before my due date and through my entire labor I was told it was text book. Flawless 0 complications. I walked and joked through contractions completely unassisted. Then it all fell apart.
At 9.5 cm I stalled, got a epidural that failed and at 10 cm they broke my water but she wasn't moving. She was stuck and my body was crushing her. After 36 hours, a failed epidural and 12 failed spinal block attempts I had to be completely anesthetized for an emergency C section. I hemorrhaged, and her skull was dented due to my spine digging in to it which was why she got stuck. We were both lucky to have survived.
After it all. My milk came early and breastfeeding came so easily to us. But my doctor came in with 3 other doctors and told me that after everything and the hemorrhaging she believed after consulting multiple other colleagues I would not survive another delivery. She recommended an immediate tubal ligation. So a few days later we went through with it. It was completely free due to medical necessity and there was no disscussion. It wasn't that big of a deal for us because for so long we agreed one and done.
But now here I sit. 3 months later with my 4 month old scared of missing any moment with my daughter because it's the only moment that I'm gonna have. My husband doesnt understand. He says we were always OAD, it was never negotiable for us. But its the fact I don't have a choice anymore. I never wanted more but knowing the choice is gone breaks me. I'm so scared something will happen to my daughter, I worry she will be sad she won't ever have a brother or sister. My husband is so supportive but he doesnt understand. I feel broken and defeated over something I never wanted anyway. I guess I'm just asking does it ever go away. I love my daughter and I can list 100 reasons why OAD was the right choice for us. But that feeling in the back of my head of the fact I'll never be able to have another just won't go away. It hurts.
Tldr; My husband and I only wanted 1 child after not wanting any for years. After a traumatic birth I got my tubes tied due to medical necessity and am dealing with the guilt of OAD. Does this get better?
It was January of 2020 and there was a lot of uncertainty in our lives. But what I was certain of is there were 2 lines. He knew exactly what to do but I wasn't so sure anymore. I spent 28 years protesting pregnancy and had even executed my right to choose twice before this. But something was different this time and the decision wasn't so black and white for me anymore, but we weren't finacially stable, he was between jobs, there was a sickness we knew was getting scary, so dispite my reservations we made the right choice for our lives. Then we got a puppy.
After that lockdowns happened. During that time we spent alot of time together just him and I. We talked everyday about how hard that choice was but it was the right choice. My husband and I for so long never wanted kids but now we were both sad about what could have been. We agreed that if we were ever going to have a child it would only be 1 and only if
- We both had good jobs that provided maternity leave for us both
- Those jobs offeres us a schedule to take care of our child to eliminate childcare as much as possible
- We owned our own home
- We were married
- I was cigarette free of at least 6 months
He was terrified when he found out. Even thought this was planned I dont think either of us expected to get pregnant first try. Through my whole pregnancy we were dead set on 1 and done. He was going to get a vasectomy after our child was born. With every question of how many do you think you'll have 1 was our unanimous answer. Loud and clear. I had a beautiful flawless pregnancy. No complications, no scares, not even a single braxton hick. I even told my roommate I would surrogate for her if delivery went well because I enjoyed pregnancy so much. I went in to labor the night before my due date and through my entire labor I was told it was text book. Flawless 0 complications. I walked and joked through contractions completely unassisted. Then it all fell apart.
At 9.5 cm I stalled, got a epidural that failed and at 10 cm they broke my water but she wasn't moving. She was stuck and my body was crushing her. After 36 hours, a failed epidural and 12 failed spinal block attempts I had to be completely anesthetized for an emergency C section. I hemorrhaged, and her skull was dented due to my spine digging in to it which was why she got stuck. We were both lucky to have survived.
After it all. My milk came early and breastfeeding came so easily to us. But my doctor came in with 3 other doctors and told me that after everything and the hemorrhaging she believed after consulting multiple other colleagues I would not survive another delivery. She recommended an immediate tubal ligation. So a few days later we went through with it. It was completely free due to medical necessity and there was no disscussion. It wasn't that big of a deal for us because for so long we agreed one and done.
But now here I sit. 3 months later with my 4 month old scared of missing any moment with my daughter because it's the only moment that I'm gonna have. My husband doesnt understand. He says we were always OAD, it was never negotiable for us. But its the fact I don't have a choice anymore. I never wanted more but knowing the choice is gone breaks me. I'm so scared something will happen to my daughter, I worry she will be sad she won't ever have a brother or sister. My husband is so supportive but he doesnt understand. I feel broken and defeated over something I never wanted anyway. I guess I'm just asking does it ever go away. I love my daughter and I can list 100 reasons why OAD was the right choice for us. But that feeling in the back of my head of the fact I'll never be able to have another just won't go away. It hurts.
Tldr; My husband and I only wanted 1 child after not wanting any for years. After a traumatic birth I got my tubes tied due to medical necessity and am dealing with the guilt of OAD. Does this get better?